Yet another appointment

This week has been a welcome relief over last.

My doctor appointment and ultrasound on Monday were great.  Little girl was sucking her fingers and being cooperative.  It warmed my heart.

Today was my first in office meeting with the Clinical Nurse Specialist.  We met in office and went over the usual paperwork and “birth plan.”  (Yes the entire notion of a “birth plan” is still a joke to me.  Matt and I call it “The Wish List.”) The hospital is being very accommodating, allowing us to have consultations with the NICU and an anaesthesiologist as well as a lactation consultant.  The anaesthesiologist is a very important consult for us.  I did not write about happened last time I was put under in “Ava’s Story,”  it is too horrible to write.  Matt and I simply cannot handle if that portion was to happen to us again.  So now we have requested to meet with an anaesthesiologist that will be sensitive to our needs, allow us to remain together and most important respect our unique situation. The anaesthesiologist is in charge of so much of my care, can make or break it…and I do NOT trust them.  It is a relief to be able to meet with them to discuss everything.

We then went for a tour of the hospital.  This is a different hospital than the 3 we were in with Ava.  We toured the birthing centre and the antenatal unit.  Everything is brand new.  Everything is open and fresh. Everything is patient and baby centred.

And sad.

I left the tour with my package of information and a “plan” being built and designed for us, we have a kicking little baby girl within me…and yet, sad. Sad because we have to do it this way, sad because Ava isn’t here, sad because Ava didn’t have all this…and never could have. She had to die to have this chance.

I drove home, washed in tears. Don’t get me wrong, I am grateful for the attention and detail. Yet I am also tired and sad.  I am only 23 weeks, somehow, this seems like a lot.  I feel like I am suffering from over care fatigue. The level of my care is exceeding my actual medical needs…and sure this is making sure that when I do need them we are ready…but right now it is all a little overwhelming.

Overwhelming, sad and tiring.

I just want Beta to be born safe. I just want to live to raise her.