Third Birthday Letter

 Dear Ava,

My darling girl.
On your birthday I sang your sister her “night night” song and then instead of singing yours at my bedtime alone in the dark to myself I sang it to her. I looked down at her face and wept. And then harder as her wee hand touched my face, in her own way, consoling and validating my pain.
Three.
Three years of singing your song to my own empty arms. Three years of missing, knowing and loving you. In my heart I feel a great chasm of you. All the things that you are that I do not know nor get to experience each and every day. You.
Three.
Three years of wondering if there is anything I could have done to save you. Three years of going over each and every detail wondering, second guessing and crying out in my soul for the loss of you.
You are forever missed in our family. Nothing we can do or say can ever take away the loss we feel. We grieve for you sister and the loss of a sibling for her. We grieve for your Oma and Opa, Aunts, Uncles and cousins for the opportunity they lost to meet such a sweet, gentle soul. We see the pain they feel at the mere mention of your name. Ay, my Ava. I picture you with a twinkle in your eye. So smart and gentle, a genuine picture of you. The you that I got to know as you grew in me. The you that showed herself through me. I wish we all could have gotten more time with you.
Three leaves me hollow. Suddenly missing in a new way. A way that says I am beginning to grasp the fact I will live my life without you. A life sentence of time without you stretches before me; a barren and stark life bereaved. I wish I could recall each and every moment of my pregnancy with you; those 8 months were our only time together and I wish I knew more of them. There are many more years to come before we can be together again and just how long those years will be is ever apparent. I feel as if I have mourned you a lifetime and yet, here we are at three.
My dear girl, I love you so very much. Your Daddy and I miss you all the way to the moon and back. We send you love each and every day, wishing, hoping and begging that you feel how deeply you are loved by us.
Good Night Ava
Good Night Darling
Good Night Little One
It is time to say Night Night
Good Night Mama
Good Night Daddy
Good Night Lillian
It is time to say Night Night
Good Night Simon and Charlie
Good Night Oma and Opa
Good Night Everyone
It is time to say Night Night
Good Night Everyone, it is time to say Night Night.
All my love,
Mama