The Diaper Confessional

Hi.  My name is Melissa and I use disposable diapers on my daughter.

Yes.

Somewhere, off in the distance I think a baby seal just cried.   Perhaps the diaper I just threw out will be the one diaper that pushes the Earth so far past ecological ruin that it is well and truly my fault because I did not cloth diaper my child. Because all non cloth diaper people must hate the Earth.  Except I do not.

I have received a lot of flack because I do not cloth diaper my kid. In fact, I am the only person I know that does not use cloth diapers. I am ask why I use disposables probably once a week.  It is a weird concept, diaper shaming.  You think that would involve making someone wear one and not constantly inquiring as to my private parenting decisions. But here I stand, shamed and ostracized none the less.   I do not know when it became so chic to scrape poo but apparently, I did not get the memo.The reality is I did not make the decision to not use cloth based on style or the environment. I did not even base it on money.  I based it on HELLP sydrome.

One year ago right now I was making the decision of how to diaper my little one. Here were my potential pregnancy outcomes.

1) Both of us do not survive the pregnancy
2) She does not survive the pregnancy and I do.  At which case I would destroy her room, dismantle our life and move far, far away. (I even had a few boxes packed…yup. That is how serious we were.)
3) I do not survive and she does, she will need convenient diapers that her Daddy can handle alone
4) Both of us survive although I am very sick and require a long recovery and again she will need convenient diapers that her Daddy can handle alone
5) We both survive and are happy and healthy from the start.

Some pretty somber choices, however, they were our reality.  What I may have wanted or dreamed in bringing a baby home from the hospital did not matter.  I needed practicality. I needed a way to care for my girl as simply and easily as possible with no learning curve. That meant disposable diapers.

In the early weeks after having Lillian I was glad I made the decision I did.  My recovery, though I did not have HELLP, was difficult.  She had colic and I simply could not have imagined another thing to do or learn on my list.  That said, I know if I had the innocence before loss I would have taken it much easier in stride in been happily on the cloth diapering train.

I have no regrets diapering the way I do.  It can be awkward.  No one else I know does use disposables so it leaves me out of a lot of Mommy-talk.  Yet another subject I cannot identify with as they all talk about sprayers, scrapers, soaps, soaks and drying techniques.  It has simply become yet another part of “normal” pregnancy and child rearing that I will not be part of.  I am okay with that.

I consider myself lucky to have her here to diaper at all.