This past week the flu hit my house.
Or rather just me *touch wood*
It started Thursday Night and by Saturday morning I was 3 pounds lighter and considerably weaker. Luckily Lillian and Matt have been spared so far. I have Lysoled every thing in sight and am being completely neurotic about keeping her safe from it. Hopefully the fact I breastfeed her will keep her immune to this bug. I cannot begin to even think about how dangerous it would be for her to get it. Terrifies me to the core, I do not even want to go there in my mind.
On Sunday, weak, pale as well as sick and tired of being sick and tired I decided it was time for a little holiday cheer. We packed Lillian up and headed out to a Christmas Tree farm to get our tree. I wish each holiday this year was not a direct comparison to last years…but it is. Last year I cried as we walked through the farm looking for our tree. I did not have our daughter to pick out our tree with, the entire exercise seemed pointless. I sobbed as Matt put it on the roof of the car and it took us 2 days to bring ourselves to decorate it.
We stared at it, undecorated, for days.
It was the very visible elephant in the room.
We seriously considered setting it on fire.
Decided it wasn’t wise and decorated it quietly. Last year was dark and difficult.
Matthew’s enthusiasm for Christmas before Ava was a thing to behold. He adored Christmas. He tends to completely over do Christmas in every sense of the word. He wants the biggest tree, with the brightest lights and the biggest ornaments. He would buy me the Moon with a side of Jupiter and Mars just to see my joy on Christmas morning. He loves to give gifts. Loves. To. Give. Gifts. I personally think he would be perfectly content if I got him nothing…which will never happen. I feared that part of him would never return after Ava. He did not have the same spark in his eyes last year and although we made quite Merry… that Christmas boy was gone. It devastated me greatly. Almost as much as not having her here. My poor husband.
This year, as we walked the Christmas tree farm I saw that boy return. Suddenly he was running out ahead of me saying “Oh! Look at this one! I like this one! Is it better than that one back there? Lillian! What do you think, Lils? Which one do you like?” It brought such joy to my heart to see that the Christmas boy had come back to us.
|We found our tree!|
|Pale, weak yet happy to be with two of my favourite people|
We found our tree and brought it home. This time Lillian had a snack and went down for a nap and we decorated the tree right away. Putting on our favourite Christmas movie (Lo.ve A.ctually) we drank tea and decorated it together. Here are a few of the touches we have put on for our girls over the years.
When we were pregnant with Ava, Matt went to Germany for work. He went to the Nuremberg Christmas Festival, a huge outdoor Christmas bizarre. He purchased this for Ava and it is one of our most treasured ornaments.
|A stocking for each of us. Two snowflakes are the girls|
|Ava’s stocking and snowflake|
|From a fellow baby loss Mama.|
There is one more ornament I will take a picture of, that is a gift especially for Ava.
Christmas hurts. Hanging four stocking and having only three living members of our family, hurts. It is simply wrong. I can’t say Christmas will be joyous ever again for us but with Matt’s enthusiasm and Lil’s smile I have hope we won’t want to set the tree ablaze this year. No promises.