Spun

Life is busy right now.

I find myself spinning, mentally.  Too many opportunities, plans and doors opening all at once and I barely have a moment to process any of it.

When Ava died I was very angry with God and the Universe.  I was filled with rage and sorrow.  I knew I was not in a place to make sound decisions or to effect positive change in our lives.  So Matthew and I agreed that we would not make any life altering decisions for 6 months.  It made good sense.  I kept driving our old car, we did not do a single renovation on the house…nothing changed.  I remember sending it out into the Universe like a prayer “leave me alone.  I am closing the window to the Universe right now. Do not bring anything to me.  Let me mourn. Leave me be.”

After one year of quiet we became pregnant with Lillian.  Our Dr was emphatic about my life being as “low stress” as possible.  We focused so intently on the the pregnancy, my health and her health.  We plodded along preparing for her, as much as you can, our focus solely on bringing home a living, breathing baby.

And then we did.

One month after bringing Lillian home I remember the phone started to ring constantly. I remember staring at it wondering how all these people even had our telephone number.  Friends and family from all over that wanted to visit, make plans and connect.  Then opportunities began to knock on our door, from employment to investment and future-building connections came upon us.  And it has not stopped for three months.  This last week, as I stood in my living room rocking Lillian on my shoulder, while chatting on the phone with the bank and reading an email from another business associate it occurred to me.

The Universe opened up the window.

All of the life I checked out of for the last 2 years is suddenly here, demanding my attention and making me check back in.  It just opened the window and let itself back in.  With ringing phones, countless emails, meetings and individuals demanding our time.

However great all this “life” may be part of me wants to close with window and hide away with our little girl.  It is much easier to check out of life.  I have wanted her for so long, I genuinely fear getting swept away and missing her growing up.  I do not want to miss a moment.  Yet some of these opportunities are ones of a life time.  This is where I find it difficult to be a BLM, to remain balanced between the realm where no babies die and the one I know as truth.  To jump at life because I am living it, because it will build a better life for us and for our girls yet to remain as present as possible and not miss it.

I do not want to miss out on a moment where I can kiss her cheeks and make her giggle.  I do not want to miss the smiles, kicks and gurgles as she realizes how to make her favourite toy dance.  I am so glad I have her.  So very glad.

I just need life to slow down a little so I can hear myself think, find the answers and hopefully not miss out on our girl in the process.