Shaking off anger has never been my strong suit. Before Ava, I never really possessed the ability to stay mad or angry. It just is not in my DNA. To remain angry for days on end is simply not something I could do. I remember trying. I remember someone offending me and thinking “I will be mad about this forever!” And it would last about an hour and a half. When Ava died, being angry was inevitable. I could stay angry for weeks, hell I think I spent the entire month of April 2011 enraged. I do not enjoy it though, it does not suit me.
When I get stuck in one of these, I want out. My hatred of being angry is probably the only thing that matches my anger in intensity. It takes several things to yank me out of it.
1) A clean house. That does not mean I need to have my house suddenly be clean; it means I need to clean the house. I need loud music and to scrub every square inch of the house. I dust, de-clutter and scrub until my hands are almost raw. This can be a dangerous stage of the “get rid of anger” plan as it can lead to involved redesigning and renovations of our very tiny house. Matt has frequently come home to be greeted by me with an entire room in disarray as I announce “The couch looks better over here!” Poor guy.
2) Solitude. Introverted Melissa comes out in full force.
3) What we call “Ava distractions.” These include a list of movies or TV shows that came into our lives in earnest after Ava died. Anchorman, Julie and Julia, Easy A, Eat Pray Love, How I met your mother, Big Bang Theory, Mad Men… you name it.
So as I sit here, my house is neat and tidy and I have spent the day to my lonesome. Julie and Julia is playing in front of me. The get rid of anger plan is in full swing…it may take more than one movie this time.