Ready to say Goodbye

I am almost ready to say goodbye to this house.

I think there have been a million little goodbyes.  Some of them hard.  Some of them oh so cathartic. This was Ava’s only house.  This was where we were pregnant, where I came home with her ashes and placed them in her crib.  This is her place.

So in a way, this house feel haunted.

We hated our time here after she died.  Instantly we began working on a plan to get OUT.  We had many fantasies including selling everything we own or perhaps burning it down (kidding!)  It is haunted by our emotions, our grief and the little things you cannot escape.

The day before she died I put together a baby seat we received as a shower gift.  Then she died and Matthew disassembled it, put it back in the box where it stayed until Lillian was born.  That box, ugh, that box.  It haunted me.  I sat for hours in her nursery, rocking in her chair, holding her Ava bear and sobbing staring at that box.  And last week, thanks to the move I got to throw that damned box out! I didn’t even realize we had it stacked with the other boxes in the basement but as I carried it out I felt the grief, anger and exhaustion build up in me.  Later in the day I took Lillian outside and stood there with her watching to specifically see it be taken away by the garbage truck. Gone.  Good riddance.  

Moving from this house feels like a healthy purge of our family’s soul.  We are slowly ridding ourselves of so many of the physical reminders of grief.  Starting anew.

I still worry she won’t be able to find us at the new house.  I am worried she will feel forgotten or left behind.  I am planning her new room so that she will forever have a space in our home. As if at any time she may just walk in the door and be back.  She may want a room to sleep in or a place to put her shoes.  That will always be there for her.  Just in case.

And just where are we off to?  I realized today after Renel asked me on Instagram that I had not said.  Our new home will not be ready until the spring so in the meantime we are off to an small rental one town away.  A quaint cottage hidden among the trees on a hill.  It is a peaceful space for us to spend a few months while we plan our new home.  I will post more about it as soon as we are settled in next week.