As I sit here I have Lillian in her Beco carrier asleep on my chest.
She is 3 months old, living, breathing and as beautiful as I dreamt she would be.
One year ago today I got my period. The period we were waiting for, the first one after the New Year to begin trying again. When it arrived I remember thinking “I am ready. No matter what happens now…I am ready.” I remember playing out all the circumstances in my mind. I could die. I could loose another child. I could seize, bleed out and perhaps be permanantly disabled for the rest of my life. I could not be able to get pregnant. I could have a breakdown from the stress of the pregnancy.
Or I could have a living, breathing child and be perfectly healthy throughout.
Somehow the last option seemed like the least likely.
Somehow 38 weeks later she was born.
Somehow I get to hold her on my chest as I write.
I find the idea that we call our baby after a loss, our rainbow baby, rather interesting. We have been through a tremendous storm. The sun is finally peeking through the dark clouds and a rainbow appears. Appropriate. Yet, rainbows are fleeting. She is 3 months old and she is still here. I cannot believe I have gotten to keep her for 3 months. I still have a hard time buying “ahead” for clothes or supplies that she needs. How can I buy a snowsuit for next year? I cannot convince myself that she is not fleeting. I pray, I beg to keep her. I want to be her Mom on this Earth for the rest of my life. I want to keep her so badly. My rainbow girl.