Rainbow girl

As I sit here I have Lillian in her Beco carrier asleep on my chest.

She is 3 months old, living, breathing and as beautiful as I dreamt she would be.

One year ago today I got my period. The period we were waiting for, the first one after the New Year to begin trying again.   When it arrived I remember thinking “I am ready. No matter what happens now…I am ready.”  I remember playing out all the circumstances in my mind.  I could die.  I could loose another child. I could seize, bleed out and perhaps be permanantly disabled for the rest of my life. I could not be able to get pregnant.  I could have a breakdown from the stress of the pregnancy.

Or I could have a living, breathing child and be perfectly healthy throughout.

Somehow the last option seemed like the least likely. 

Somehow 38 weeks later she was born.

Somehow I get to hold her on my chest as I write.

I find the idea that we call our baby after a loss, our rainbow baby, rather interesting.  We have been through a tremendous storm. The sun is finally peeking through the dark clouds and a rainbow appears.  Appropriate.  Yet, rainbows are fleeting.  She is 3 months old and she is still here. I cannot believe I have gotten to keep her for 3 months. I still have a hard time buying “ahead” for clothes or supplies that she needs.  How can I buy a snowsuit for next year?  I cannot convince myself that she is not fleeting. I pray, I beg to keep her.  I want to be her Mom on this Earth for the rest of my life.  I want to keep her so badly.  My rainbow girl.