Welcome to the blogging world. There are plenty of us oversharing (hah) and grieving online. Talking about babies who deserve to be talked about that we miss and love so much.
Thank you so much! I have followed you quietly for some time now. I cried tears of joy the day you announced B was born. It is stories like yours that have given my husband and I hope.
We have a Charlie too! Though he is black and white and meows. Don’t let Stephen know you have a Beagle, he may mysteriously make his way to our house one day. I think pets are some of the best kinds of therapy there is. Charlie and Milo are what got us through our toughest days. The love of an animal is the best. Fur babies rock!
He found a coupon on the inside of a Quaker Oat box for a two for one ticket for Cineplex Odeon (local theaters in Canada.) Ordering the tickets online, he found out he could use Paypal to pay for it…and he had a bunch of money from Christmas (5% back on purchases) so he applied that to the ticket price. Voila! 0.87 for a movie night for two.
I will never fully understand what you and Matt have been going through. I still see joy and happiness in you Melissa, even if you struggle to feel it day-to-day. I have read these entries multiple times today and am mourning the loss of Ava with you this evening. xx
I just read your whole story and I am shocked. I just can’t believe what you went through in fighting for your life. And to not even hold your sweet Ava because you were in a coma? I’m just so sorry. So thankful you are alive but so devastated your girl is not.
Thank you so much for your kind words. This last section was, by far, the most difficult to write. I knew it would be. I am working on the fourth and final installment which will detail my recovery and some of her memorial.
Ava and I’s stories are so intertwined, that I cannot tell her story without telling what happened to me. I am hoping the final installment will be able to show more of our girl.
Thank you for reading and taking the time to know our girl.
How beautiful. I had not even half the logic to consider something so beautiful after Andrew died. I wanted to be swallowed by the universe. And you… you went through so much personally and that tree is just a beautiful symbol. I love that people brought something to bury.
This just leaves me speechless. And scared that you came so close to losing your life along with Ava’s. I’m so incredibly sorry that you had to endure all of this.
Your husband sounds like an amazing partner and father. And what a beautiful memorial you chose for Ava – I’m looking forward to seeing more photos of her tree in different seasons.
Must have been at the superstore! I recognized the onesie. I was there they other day and bought the bee one (we plan on nicknaming our next one bee)As hard as it may be, I think it’s a sign of hope, something to hold onto. Something specifically for that baby. I know when we find out were pregnant again, I am going to go out and get a few things for that baby. No matter how short it’s life may be (and yes I am going in fully expecting another loss because after two it’s what you do) I want something specifically for each of our children and I think your step today was great for you and Beta. Now he/she has something specifically for them.
You may also get to a point where you can’t avoid the baby section, where you feel you need to buy things for your angel and future children. Where it is so inviting to go and wonder and dream, try to feel that hope that carrying a child brings (which is nearly impossible after a loss) but it is possible.
I got chills when reading this because I did the same thing yesterday (maybe at the same time?). I was at a home store, buying lawn chair cushions, and there was a book–“The Night You Were Born”–and suddenly it was in my cart. I almost put it back–it felt like tempting fate. I brought it home and shoved it in the closet. But, damn, I hope I’m pulling it out again soon.
I think hope seeps in despite our pain and learned skepticism. I, too, put my purchase away. I know, from reading your blog for some time, that you do not wish to prepare. I completely understand, we both know what it feels like to come home to a house filled with baby stuff and no baby. I hope both of us get to pull our purchases out soon!
The ocean is important to me and I love these images. Sending hope and strength to you as you grieve a baby and grow another. It is exhausting, challenging, loving work.
I understood this line so well: “I must birth this baby in the ocean of grief, I must find a way to calm and control the chaotic, for both of us.” This was a really beautiful piece and I’m so glad you shared. xoxo
So wonderful!! Wanted to reach out and say this to you. I have been walking the same road-less-traveled as you are for 6 months now. Congratulations on your pregnancy. Wishing you a stress-free phase this time at least (u so deserve it)and to all BLM’s who are carrying their rainbow babies.
Thinking of you where you are right now – I love the way your words capture the turbulence and also the beauty of that place that is pregnancy after a loss – all that love and grief and fear and hope. Thank you for sharing this.
I’m glad that you sense that hint of reprieve in the air and that you can hear your soul once again. Such a perfect description of grief, the roaring waves, a storm. I’m so sorry for the loss of your sweet daughter, Ava.
I hope that you find yourself walking in the sand with this new little one, squirming and sun sweet. And Ava will be there too, carried by her mama always x
I am in a similar position as you are. I am glad I have stumbled upon your blog from Angie’s blog. It’s link ups such as these that allow us to find each other and to feel less alone.
Standing in the grief storm, protecting a new baby is a perfect analogy.
I am speechless at the outpouring of support I have received from each of you. Thank you. Most sincerely. For reading our story and connecting with me here. I look forward to the new connections Angie has helped us form.
I have felt such a strong connection to the ocean since losing my daughter. One of the only times I dreamt of my dead daughter, I was in the ocean, searching for her. This post really spoke to me. It was hauntingly beautiful. Thinking of you as you carry Ava’s sibling. xo
So beautiful. Thank you. It captures something so ethereal about this journey. Your post is full of love and hope. Thank you for sharing right where you are.
You have reminded me powerfully of how I felt Freddie’s atoms in everything for so long to start with. I seem to have lost that now and I miss it. It would be worth finding again. Thank you. I shall go looking for him in the world again I think.
I read somewhere that salt water cures everything–in the form of sweat, tears, or the ocean. I’m struck, too, by the similarities between our timelines in terms of loss and subsequent pregnancy. Wishing you the very best as you miss Ava and cherish this pregnancy.
I found your blog about 3 months after Ava had passed and it was a blessing. I was so grateful to have found another Mama out there whom was on a similar journey in time. I cheered (and made Matt come read your post) when you posted about Deuce. It gave us hope. I am glad our writing allows us to connect in this way.
I am so thankful that you have amazing people helping to take care of yours and your baby’s physical health and also your heart. I think the emotional piece is so very important. We are relying on these people to keep you both safe and it makes me so happy to hear about what you experienced today.
I’m so thankful that you have L as well! After all you’ve been through in the hospital with Ava and nearly losing your own life– I can imagine some anxiety will be always associated.
It is always there, you are right. It is all in how I manage it. The little things make a big difference to me, it takes a team of people to help in the recovery from a trauma like ours.
“Grateful for what she has taught me, grateful she blessed me with the title ‘Mama,’ grateful to have held her within me for 34 weeks and grateful for what she has not taught me yet. I carry her with me, each day, as I promised I would.”
I held my breath at this. It just settled in my heart.
What an eloquent description of the ebbs and flows of grief. This reads likea prose poem and it is so haunting. I, too, feel a connection to the ocean (well, it’s sea near me). It’s where I feel my daughter closest to me – especially when it is rough and turbulent and bleak.
My Dear Friend, I just read your whole blog. It is so beautifully, honestly and respectfuly written. We are so inspired by your strength and resilliance. Thank you for keeping us close during this heart-breaking journey. We are always here for you. We love you, Matt, Ava and Beta more than words x
Beautiful imagery here, beautiful writing. I get so much of this. We lost our daughter just after you did and we just had our subsequent son. I understand the fear and uncertainty and birthing in the midst of the “ocean of grief.”
Peace and gentleness to you as you approach 34 weeks and then the birth. I really, really hope everything turns out.
Thank you so much Josh. I have read your posts and admired your ability to put grief into words, video and art for some time. I am humbled by your well wishes, being a fellow HELLP survivor you know what a risk it is we face. Thank you.
Yeah, I totally understand this (as you know). I want a plan this time insofar as we know who goes with whom in various emergency situations, but I cringe when I think of our plan last time around – low lights and a birth tub and attention paid to my “experience” – oh, right and of course a living healthy baby, isn’t that a given? Ha.
I feel the same way. I meditated and planned and researched a birth plan the first time and it all fell to pieces around me, leaving me feeling so incredibly foolish for thinking I had any control at all.
But I actually sat down and did a birth plan over the weekend. Not because I WANTED to, but because I don’t want to make decisions for the Deuce based out of my own fear rather than what’s best for the baby. Honestly, it was easier than I thought it would be, although I added the caveat at the top of the page in bold: “Our number one concern is a healthy baby, no matter what.” I mean, I guess that should go without saying. But for me, it just couldn’t. I couldn’t say “I’d like to have the option to walk around during labor” as though I thought a live baby was a given.
Whatever you decide to do, don’t stress about it too much. We know that things don’t go according to plan, but I also found that just writing out my “best case scenario” wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be. In a way, it helped me differentiate the Deuce from Eliza. I am not invested in my plan the way I was before (I don’t care if we change course completely) but I do feel like things will be a bit easier now that I have some idea of what I’ve asked for and what I can expect.
All we really want, though, is a happy ending this time.
I really like your approach that in completing a plan it is a way to ensure decisions are not based out of your own fear. That appeals to me. I will be thinking of that as I go forward with this.
I have not written out a “best case scenario” but I can see how it would help differentiate the births. You have given me a lot to think about.
My birth plan was and remained to birth a live child and bring it home. I completely understand.
We no longer live in the world in which babies are all born alive and it’s frightening to think we might get every bit of our hope and plan to come true the next time.
I’m not to a point of discussing birth plans or lack thereof, but I would be totally honest with your caregivers that “ideal” has been blown to pieces. I hope they are as understanding as possible about the facts and your state of mind in order to make everything go as well as possible. And obviously a healthy, live baby and mama are the goals…whatever it takes to get there!
With Jacob I created a 5 page death plan (we knew he would most likely pass away) and thankfully my OB did not make us go to the, I don’t even know what they call it now, that meeting where you meet the nurse to discuss it, something like pre-birth meeting…anywho, our OB also mentioned next time we do not have to deal with that crazy crap again because the nurses who deal with those meetings would not even begin to understand our birth plan. My birth plan for next time, get the baby out alive at any possibly costs (hopefully not my life) and DON’T tinker around with “normal birth plan” crap because that stuff doesn’t fly after a loss. We will not be creating a birth plan next time and will play it by ear rather, it’s more realistic that way.
The beauty of the ocean…that’s it right there. It’s terrible and powerful and beautiful, just like this experience. Wishing you much peace and strength through the rest of your pregnancy. I am hoping hard that your little one arrives safely.
When we had Jacob we have 4 birth plans, two for if he lives and two for if he died. In each they included if her lived and was fine or if he lived and needed NICU, the deaths were if he died right away or if he needed the NICU. There is an incredible amount of information that needs to be considered and when it comes down to it, we know things change by the second and the birth plan goes out the window.
They do treat it like life is guaranteed but we know it isn’t so how do you plan for that? I’d talk to your doctor and see what he is thinking and go from there, if you opt for a c-section or natural you can go ahead and plan from there and have a backup plan or 10. There is no easy way to go about it knowing it will most likely change in some way. I can send you the one we have for Jacob if you would like to see how extensive it is……just message me on fb if you would.
I wrote a birth plan for when my son was born, but quite honestly no one ever looked at it. And back then, I had never experienced loss – once my baby was safely in my arms I never thought for one second that he wouldn’t be coming home with me. I spent months articulating a perfect birth plan – I had an innocence that I no longer have now. I can’t imagine having to write a birth plan again, just like you said – there’s too many ifs and buts. Do you have someone who can help you to write it out? A midwife or someone like that to guide you through it? x
I had a birth plan with Lily when I was still that naive girl who thought babies were always born alive. It was simple, but it said that I wanted an epidural and I wanted all the newborn procedures to be done.
With little C, I just had one plan: I wanted both her and me alive. That was it. I knew all too well that plans can go horribly wrong. Thankfully, my OB knew our history and didn’t push us to make a more detailed plan.
I know what you mean about not being able to make decisions. I can’t even work out what to make for dinner any more, let alone anything actually significant.
Hopefully your doctor can help you make some of those decisions? It does seem like too much to put all on you – as we all know now, things can be taken completely out of our hands. We haven’t tried again for a second baby yet, but I can’t imagine coming up with a birth plan, other than “Alive and home with me.” Thinking of you.
Good for you for asking for the information and space you need and refusing to make “decisions” for someone else’s convenience.
and Happy Anniversary! That’s so sweet about the mini wedding cake surprise. A good husband and marriage through loss – I thank my lucky stars for those things every day. Have you seen this article?
I did the EXACT same thing. I literally would pour out the pills from the bottle and count them almost weekly– as to hope some of the miraculously shaved off more days of my pregnancy or something. Even more wild? I took them while ttc and while pregnant up until my day of delivery (that I didn’t know would be my delivery date) and if I’d made it to my induction date, I would’ve had the exact amount I needed to finish off the pregnancy. Crazy. Except I went early and have 6 pills waiting for me for… next time.
I love it! Pregnancy after loss is a psychological endurance test. I will take any little tricks I can use to keep me moving forward positively. 124 more pills!
This makes me smile because it’s totally something I would do, but I didn’t do it. I didn’t let myself think that far ahead. I guess I didn’t want to acknowledge the end goal in sight. I just wanted to blindly take pills until *surprise* it was my due date! Or something crazy like that. Anyway, my jaw dropped when my doc told me at 36 weeks to stop taking the baby aspirin. I actually miss it because it made me feel like I was doing something proactive every day! I also can’t quite believe we’ve made it this far.
“which is good because I am the sort of girl that considers him mowing the lawn for us romantic” – Hahaha, that made me chuckle! Same here. It sounds like you had a lovely day though. Congratulations on your wedding anniversary x
I agree. Mowing the lawn (or cleaning in general) is totally romantic. I’d take that over flowers any day. 🙂
The cake looks delicious (from someone who had a very large salted caramel chocolate at 9 a.m. for breakfast). Cake totally tastes better at times where it’s not normal to eat cake. And your dinner plans and ordering in? Totally something I’d have preferred as well.
Congratulations on 5 years. That sounds monumental!
Hello Melissa- I found you through finding my new normal blog. She just gave birth to frostina and I’m thrilled for her! I saw you were pregnant with your rainbow baby girl and I am also pregnant with our rainbow baby girl. I am a month ahead of you. Our daughter Camille died at 38 weeks almost a year ago. Her birthday is coming up on June 30th and its a really hard time for me. I need to read more of your blog but I anted to say hello. This journey we are on is so hard. Happy anniversary to you and I will read through your blog.
Nice to meet you Renel, though very sorry it is under the circumstances. I am glad you are enjoying my blog. I am new to blogging but enjoying it so far. I hope we are able to keep in touch through it.
Oh birthdays. I will be thinking of you and your sweet Camille going forward. The only way I got through Ava’s first birthday was by being away, far far away. Just having a plan for it helped.
Wow is right. That is so lovely, so perfect, so kind. There are times in my journey that I’ve been struck with how clueless people can be, but there have been so many more times that I have been overwhelmed with kindness, often by the most unexpected people. I am so glad that you have a Jane.
I was also quite the hostess. And I’ve only started that up again, but I’ll be honest in saying that it hasn’t come easy and it isn’t as welcomed. I actually like when people leave. And I get nervous they won’t want to be near Andrew’s urn. It’s all very pathetic.
I love that story and the beautiful picture in the bathroom that you only renovated because you had nothing else to do and couldn’t “flee the scene” of your lives. Elliot and I still talk about wanting to leave it all and run. To just go and explore and sell everything we own– even with Andrew’s brother now here. What you lose changes you forever. And when that thing you lose is a real person, a child no less, you really are different beings. I’ve always valued travel and experiences more than things. It couldn’t be more true now that Andrew is gone than ever. Love and experiences. But I guess when we have to live in the reality of loss and finances, we’ll have to settle on renovating bathrooms.
I am so glad you said that you were nervous about people wanting to be near Andrew’s urn. We have a beautiful photo of Ava over top of our mantle. It is in my favourite space in the house. Yet I see each persons face when they notice it…I see their emotion, their avoidance, how it makes them feel be it good or bad. It rips me in half.
We really are different beings after loss. Loosing Ava has made me value the people in my life a great deal more…as well as the experiences we have. Even if it does mean we have to settle for renovating bathrooms.
Reading (I read the Hunger Games series and a few classics I had always intended to), TV (the Tudors, Project Runway, How I Met Your Mother, and 30 Rock – all from Netflix), embroidery (surprisingly easy to just pick up a book of basic stitches from the library and make cute little household things on felt, like coasters and little toys). That’s mainly how I passed my restricted activity time…and lots of sleep 🙂
New here – beautiful post. Just love the story you shared about your trip to NY.
We have a sketch of my son up on the mantle and when new people come to the house I get a weird feeling when they DON’T say something or ask – are they ignoring it? Do they not realize its my dead son? Does it make them uncomfortable? Maybe it’s none of these things but I can’t help but read into it.
Thank you for reading my blog! I always read into people’s reactions as well. It makes me sad that Ava is an elephant in the room at moments like that, when I really want to celebrate her.
I’ve never had to pass time like that but I would try sewing or cross stitch like SG suggested. I know of these sweet no-sew blankets you can make with fleece and you tie them together. They’re nice as a throw on the couch or for the baby, or a niece of nephew. If you’re interested I can e-mail you the instructions. I am going to make a couple for Ruben and Jacob for Thanksgiving.
It would involve a little cutting and general floor time, but it’s all I got hun!! 🙂
Blogging, knitting, sewing, Netflix (watched some shows from my childhood)I napped a lot as well, I must have went through the clothes and reorganized them a thousand times. Thankfully this time I have Pinterest so I plan on getting a bunch of projects done from on there.
There is something really cathartic about letting yourself have those intense moments. I think that’s a big reason why I didn’t want any help sorting through Eliza’s things. I knew it would be a huge tear-fest (at least at first) and I just needed that time to miss her intensely and not try to be cheerful or brave about it. I hope that as time goes on we can have those moments of connection that are easier and maybe even have happy tears instead of just sadness.
Somehow you put the car in drive again…wow doesn’t that sum things up? Glad you had this moment to connect even if it involved a lot of pain. Hope you and Beta have some stress relief in sight <3
Oh my Gosh, I’m glad he’s okay. You are so good with him, poor little guy – he’s had it tough over the past few months. Hope you sleep better tonight, Melissa.
Oh, poor puppy! Man, I love that your vet has after hours support. We’ve managed to avoid major health issues with our dogs (it’s more likely that I overreact and the vet is like “Meh, your dog’s fine.”) but it’s so sad to think of them not being able to communicate! Glad your guy is ok. Hope you all sleep better tonight!
I’m sorry you are tired but glad you have all the care you may need just in case. The 20 week stint I think is so hard because there is so muchsit and wait time. Too early for baby to cone but so long until she is here. Now that I have started my 3rd trimester I angering not to be in countdown mode because iris still so far for me too. I am sending positive thoughts to you and hope baby Beta just keeps kicking.
I often felt so conflicted about all the proactive things we did for the Deuce–desperately grateful that we were doing all this monitoring, and devastatingly sad that we hadn’t done it for Eliza and that we’d never know if it could have made a difference.
I’ll want to write more about this when I have time to process it, but I want to tell you that after going through the traumatizing experience of Eliza’s birth (although I don’t think my experience was actually as traumatic as yours in terms of the health care professionals), I was definitely holding on to a lot of fear and anxiety even while I was in labor with Caroline. I expected that, of course, but what I didn’t expect is how much Caroline’s birth was a healing experience for me. Not like “fixed!” obviously, but just like it helped heal a gaping wound. I hope that can offer you a little bit of hope, although I know how precarious things feel at 23 weeks. Hang in there, baby Beta!
Thank you Brooke. There aren’t many more words I can say than that, thank you. You give me hope that healing can come from wee Beta and that I am not alone in my struggle to reconcile Ava and Beta’s stories.
Doesn’t look too bad to me! Though, I wouldn’t boast about Detroit… actually, I’d rather avoid it!
You know… you can buy Chicago deep dish and have it sent over. Of course it might cost the equivalent to your mortgage payment for a month… but there are possibilities! 🙂
Enjoy your mini-vacation!! We also stuck close and did just a weekend vacation in Long Beach while I was pregnant with Ginny, instead of a more elaborate trip (with Elizabeth, it was a trip to the Caribbean…never even considered going that far from my OB this time) – but even a little trip is fun, isn’t it?
Hah. Your house adventures sound a lot like ours. My husband and I both said that we wished we didn’t own a house last night to one another. There’s always something. We feel even more amped to fix all the little things because B was born, and that’s expensive, time consuming, and frustrating!
We had raccoon issues on our roof when we moved in and have since replaced our roof and fixed our chimney and tore apart our basement and refinished our deck and stripped wallpaper and and and. So many things. We’re about to spend another chunk this week dealing with radon and oh yeah… those stupid foxes. :/
My husband went to Germany for a week (three weeks is crazy!) when I was pregnant with B and it wasn’t a fun week for me either! Husbands just aren’t allowed to leave town when we’re pregnant– especially after losing our first babies.
I agree! Husbands are not allowed to leave town when we’re pregnant. Overnight trips about the max I can handle at the moment; at least having the roof taken care of it is one less thing to go wrong.
We too have done significant work to the house. I am pretty handy, all things considered, that said I am ready for the house to take a back seat to Beta for a while.
Can’t wait to see pictures. You know I love that pink tree! Reminds me of Eliza’s tree as well. And Behr Oyster is the color of my dining room so we both must have great taste. 🙂
I’m glad you’re able to make a space for Beta. Our tiny bungalow is a two bedroom and so far Caro still doesn’t have her own decorated room (guest room in use by my mom and dad) but I am so looking forward to fixing it up for her!
Great minds must think alike! I love the colour. We are fairly certain we are having a little girl but I wanted a neutral regardless. I am enjoying finding the right pieces one by one. I look forward to seeing Caro’s room as you put it together.
Good thing your roof has been replaced. Now Mr. Raccoon won’t be able to make noise in your attic every night. As we all know, they may be cute, but they are certainly very capable of damaging your property. If you want, you can fortify the openings of your home where he might be able to enter. That way, you keep your house safe from intruders, furry or not.
I think the fact that you had a good day yesterday means that it was worth it. Between hormones and the physical strain of pregnancy, you are bound to have good days and bad days (and happy days and sad days) no matter what you do. It is hard to know your limits. I went back and forth between needing distractions and wanting to see people, to wanting to hole up at home and hide from the world until the baby arrived. Just be easy on yourself. Like you said, this part is temporary.
Thank you Brooke! I think you are right, if I feel good while out and about that should be the focus. Grief still surprises me… how you can pay for the good days. This too shall pass!
Pregnancy. Gah. So terribly hard. Say no as often as you must. This could very well be the hardest thing you’ve ever done– at least carrying B was for me.
I told a good friend we couldn’t host him at our house flying from 2,000 miles away, so I totally understand. It’s all-consuming. Problem is, no one will ever understand because this is a unique and unfortunate situation we’re dealt (pregnancy in general as a BLM).
Just keep breathing and tread water. I’m just so glad you had a semblance of normalcy for a change.
Life is exhausting right now and that is hard to explain to people. Others kind of get that pregnancy can be hard, but they do not understand the emotional exhaustion of everyday life that comes from grief.
I feel so selfish at times and that makes me sad, but I also feel good about doing whatever it is that my husband, growing baby and I need at any given time. I feel like since it has been over a year since Bear died, I should be in a more stable place, but my couselor and other BLMs remind me that I am normal and that I am still in the midst of enormous grief (and a stressful pregnancy!) and that helps to continue doing whatever is best for us.
That sounds like a really fun day. We are a total baseball family…I’m missing my son’s t-ball game right now because I have to rest…I know he is dissapointed and said he understood when I tried to explain, but saying no, as you know, is difficult and makes us seem loke total downers. I hope you are feeling rested.
I will never get to the day in my pregnancy when Camille died. I will be induced before than. I hope that 34+7 days will be a relief somehow. I remember thinking with this pregnancy about milestones. Will I misscarry, whil the anatomy scan go well, Okay now baby is viable but it just seems like trading one anxiety for another. HOPING for a positive outcome. So glad to hear things are going well. I have found it gets more difficult the farther along I get. SIGH
As a NICU nurse and the mother of a baby who died at 39+1, I know all too well that viability can be bs. But as the mother of another little who is currently still on the inside and 25 weeks, I can also say that I feel just a little better than I did one week ago…the little milestones DO make a difference! So much hope!!
Lovely! I appreciated how you let yourself change your mind about how to prepare over the course of being pregnant. That was really important for me, too – to go with what I needed to do at the different stages.
I was also saying “no” to people and invitations constantly while pregnant with Ginny. It is exhausting and self-preservation is important, but of course sometimes distractions are good. Hard to strike a balance…as you know. I just kept telling myself, “the goal is for us to survive this pregnancy. Survival, not enjoyment.” Sometimes lowering the bar helps, you know? And it was totally worth it in the end, of course 🙂
Yay for little milestones and good news on test results!
Sorry not to have been commenting much – it’s so hard on the phone with the security question…but I’m on the computer today so you get to hear a bunch from me 🙂
It is okay SG. I know you are busy with Ginny. I am glad whenever I can hear from you as I you and I are quite similar in how we handle pregnancy after loss.
I did not feel much of a relief when I hit viability. In fact, I almost felt more anxious–like now it was entirely up to me to be vigilant and make sure this baby was ok. But I DID feel some relief when we passed 34+3. It seemed to confirm that my two pregnancies were not the same, and while it will always break my heart that my body seems to have mysteriously failed Eliza while growing a second baby perfectly fine, I welcomed the reassurance that, in all likelihood, the Deuce would be okay. Wishing the same for you, and hoping the weeks pass quickly until Beta is here.
Yes, the water comment got me big time! I was so tired of drinking gallons of water… but oh wait, it doesn’t end! Breastfeeding makes you a thirsty beast, it turns out!
My drinks: plain water, La Croix (no artificial sweeteners and no sugar), and water with {enter fruit or veggie: lemon, cucumber, lime, whatever is on sale).
I love fruit in my water because it makes me feel like I’m at the spa. Bonus, I drink more! 🙂
I was talking about this in counseling the other day and how my losses will affect my parenting in future children and I don’t know if it will make it worse or better or be a bit of both. Only time can tell how it will shape our rainbow babies. It is something I do worry and think about a lot though.
Yes, I have worried about this, too. I’m not convinced my grief has made me a better person or parent. And I know, too, that Caro will wonder how her life would be different if Eliza were here. But bereaved does not mean broken. And so we do the best we can.
What a beautiful afternoon. Thank you for sharing the beautiful pictures and for showing us that sometimes our friends and family can really get it right, even though we often more examples of when they get it entirely wrong! I hope you had a lovely, relaxing day. Sending you best wishes for the challenging days ahead.
Kip was right. Little animals like raccoons, birds, and squirrels can make holes on your roof and leave animal droppings that might cause health problems for you and your family. The best thing to do in that situation is to regularly check your roof for these little critters. If there are any, take immediate action and drive them away to prevent them from damaging your roof
Dear Melissa, Just a fellow Ontario-er (um, Torontonian actually) reading along. I was at the game on July 14 with the fam. In the 200 level behind the third base line. Maybe our butts shared the same seats a day apart 🙂 I wanted to let you know I’m thinking of you while you make you way through these last weeks of your pregnancy. I think you’re doing great.
I have often thought of how much you and I have in common, Brandy. We deal with stress similarly that is for sure! Thank you for entertaining my anxiety filled self, I will need the support through the next 10 ish weeks.
Yup, the best thing to do when anxious, cook and bake! I’ve made so many things this weekend as we prepare for our ever so critical appointment on the 14th. I can only imagine how much more I can possibly bake this week, I probably could have my own bake sale. Thinking about you often as you get closer to the critical part in your pregnancy.
I can’t believe you’re almost 30 weeks. All the food sounds delicious and if that’s what it takes to ease anxiety – keep baking. I really wish I lived nearby! OK, maybe for more than just food but Ill be thinking of you this week. Enjoy time with Matt! I have a nice strawberry shortcake recipe if you’re looking for a dessert.
ohhh gas emitting carpet. I thought the same thing about our carpet when I was pregnant with Andrew. Then he died and I figured it was safe enough by the time Benjamin rolled around because it was so. damn. long. of a wait and surely all was fine by then.
My friend who went through years and years of infertility and IVFs and IUIs and miscarriages and hell welcomed her twins into the world last October. I remember her telling me while they were in-utero that if she could just get them here, she’d practically let them juggle knives. It was her uterus that was most destructive.
Just get that baby here. Let’s worry about gas-emitting carpets later. I’m pretty sure if you just open your windows often that those gases should find their way out soon enough.
I grew up in Los Angeles and I’m turning 30 in a matter of weeks. The smog didn’t kill me. 🙂
I just pulled into the parking lot at my massage therapists when I saw I had a message. Your comment made me laugh so hard I had to stop from snickering through my entire massage. I couldn’t agree with your friend more, if this little girl arrives safe I may practically let her juggle knives, where she is right now is the most dangerous.
I have the windows open in the gas infested room (well the entire house, it’s gorgeous here) and will not be putting any cloth materials into the room for a few weeks.
I was just thinking today (on my way taking Milo to the vet) if anything happened to my Milo (my first baby) I would be a wreck. It would not be pretty. I’d lose my mind if anything happened to him. Even just knowing he has an ear infection makes me want to stay home and cuddle with him because he’s not feeling well!
Glad he didn’t get out and you can now know he is safely indoors.
I think all your questions are totally valid. I would want them answered before I bothered with the 3 hour long glucose test. One of my friends failed the 1 hour test and instead of taking the 3, asked if she could just “assume” she had GD (although she really didn’t think she did) and just adjust her diet and monitor her blood sugar. Her MFM was fine with that. Sorry your Tuesday was so exhausting. May the next few weeks pass quickly and peacefully!
That is exactly what I am thinking of doing! I woke up this morning and printed off pages of GD diet info. I am now looking at getting a meter and will simply start monitoring. I cannot see why this secondary test is necessary. I am capable of monitoring myself and can adjust my diet. I too, do not think I do, but why not just monitor if that is what they want?
Thanks for validating that I am not crazy for not just accepting this.
I’m just sorry. I don’t have anything but that to give. It frustrates me that you’ve been through so much and it seems like you’re being given the run-around.
Mr. Raccoon definitely had a good time living on your roof. But sad to say, he has to go as he has done enough damage on the roof already. Good thing you were able to spot this problem early on and got a roof replacement. Animals living on the roof can cause a lot of damage to the structure. Apart from the fact that their noise will give you sleepless nights, these creatures can cause awful roof damage.
Just reading more of your blog and about your little Ava. I’m so sorry of course for all that you’ve been through already. And so sorry for all the frustration and worry that you are going though now. Will be holding you all in my heart during this tough time.
PS – Ava has always been one of my favorite names – so simple, yet so elegant and graceful.
Thank you! We had several names chosen for her, but Ava means “little bird” and to us, she was this beautiful bird that fluttered in and out of our life all too soon. The second I saw her she was Ava.
I am sick reading this. The comment from the MFM specialist is so unprofessional and disgusting it makes me hurt so much for you – that you ever had to hear those horrible words. Hearing “you baby has passed” or “there is no hearbeat” is hard enough – but “expired” what a fucking idiot. I’m so, so very sorry.
You are the first person, Caroline, to pick that up. That line was by far the most soul destroying, disgusting, gut wrenching thing anyone has ever uttered to me. I did not post it on my blog but I did have a conversation with him when I was out of the coma to discuss that children are not DAIRY PRODUCTS and cannot EXPIRE. Sickening.
This is so beautiful – and by the picture on the top right of your blog, I can see that it is growing and blooming just beautifully. I hope it brings you much peace. You left a comment on my blog on what should have been my son’s 2nd birthday and said you were going to take a moment with Cale while you were at Ava’s tree. That meant a lot to me, and I just want to thank you. And thank Ava – for leaving a beautiful reminder of a beautiful life.
Thank you Caroline! I actually received the email alert of this message while standing at Ava’s tree. It seemed too appropriate. So I took a moment and sent some love to Cale and Ava together. The tree is growing well, I should take some new photos and put them on the blog.
She could be! And what a much deserved celebratory Thanksgiving it will be.
You are so brave. To think of going through Andrew’s clothes when he died. I can’t even. There are still clothes I can’t put B in because without a shadow of a doubt, we bought those clothes on days with SUCH JOY and excitement and I just can’t “wear” that. Despite knowing my boys would share clothes anyway if they were both alive (which makes wearing the other clothes easier), there’s definitely at least one outfit I simply can’t bear to let anyone wear. I just can’t.
When Ava died we had baby things all over our house from the shower a couple days before. Matt took every baby item and shoved it into the tiny, tiny nursery. It was complete chaos.
It took me a month to open the door and look at her room.
It took me another month to decide I wanted to clear it out, so just the crib, chair and change table remained so I could sit in there and be with her in my own way.
I cleaned out all her possessions alone. I did it all by myself. Breaking down, screaming the house down, ear piercing screams of agony. It was cathartic and what I needed to do. It was exhausting but in the end I had a space to grieve her that felt like it was just her and I.
I agree. Some clothes of hers I will not be ever able to use with Beta. There is a onesie, somewhere in that clean pile of laundry in front of me, that is a brown and white onesie with the words “I Love Mommy” written on it. I found it in our room 2 days after coming home from the hospital. When I found it that day, I went ballistic. I tried to put my hand through the wall, I almost ripped out my staples, I lost all control. Poor Matt had to subdue me, it was awful. Somethings I just can’t do.
I had the chance to snuggle (aka hold her while she fussed) with a friends’ 7 week old this evening and thought of Beta’s first visit with Aunty Liz….Shooo much shnuggling!
Glad you found your way back on top from that horrible day this week. You’re one strong lady. x
Hmm, traps can play a factor, but it is also one of the more dangerous things to do. Raccoons are dangerous, especially in your case, with a 20-month-old pregnant raccoon. Good thing you were able to replace the roof – something that will be unpenetratable for those silly and smart raccoons.
I am sorry you have to take the test. After everything you have been through though, this test is miniscule. A hassle really. You have rocked bigger things than this. Bring someone whose shoulder you can borrow, close your eyes and breathe deeply. When it is done you’ll be 1 step closer. Wish I could take it for you. You know I would, in a heartbeat. Sending hugs and healing vibes your way.
Unfortunately I have to go alone, no one to go with me. I have dealt with bad nausea before so hopefully I can work my way through it. I have my phone, Ipod, and e reader to keep me company. Thank you for the love! We appreciate and need it 🙂
Those things will all help! When I took it I felt fine by the last blood draw so hopefully any discomfort will be short-lived. I’ll be thinking about you.
glad that’s done and a monkey off your back. Sorry for the mama guilt, but you are doing what you should be for you and that little one. Hope the weekend is better
I only get excited about seeing BLM nurseries, for the record. I won’t even tour (I politely decline or change the subject) nurseries for other babies. Truth. I’m a jerk. But whatever. It’s like the air is different in their nurseries. Smug. Ignorant.
Thank you! I agree, touring non BLM murseries is difficult. This nursery is as much for me and my potential grief for my second born as it is for Beta. Our innocence as been lost.
I’ve been thinking about this post and intending to comment for a while now…at several points while I was pregnant with Ginny I broke down crying over this very issue. How could I offer myself up as her mother when I felt like such a broken person? Two months into mothering her though, I feel none of those emotions anymore. We are wonderful parents, extra patient and caring and appreciative of this chance, beyond what we would have been before. It’s not all bad. It’s not all good either – I hate that Ginny will learn about her sister in the abstract and deal with loss like that so young… But I guess my point is that we may be broken and bereaved but still have so much and even more to offer our living children. I hope you find the same as I have. 🙂
Thank you so much for sharing! I received a lot of comfort in your words. I love the line “We may be broken and bereaved but sill have so much and even more to offer our living children.” Beautiful. I, too, hope that I will find the same! Thank you!
Beautiful. I wanted to read all your blogging before looking at the pictures so I knew exactly where your heart was; I can only imagine what it all means to you. It looks lovely, Melissa. Skip ahead a month or so and I also pray there’s a blog with a picture of you and Beta in that recliner. xoxo
Now that I think about it…I’m not sure I ever fully entered that room. Probably because of all the stuff! It was ugly! You know what, your house may have been uglier than mine. But, High Five for high gloss paint!!!!!!!! We’re equal there 😉
Oh! This house was uglier than yours my dear. I could send you photos that would send chills down your spine. People just forget because of all the work we have done. Lime green counter tops, the upstairs bath tub, fire engine red carpet, stained carpets, downstairs panelling *shudders.
Glad you had a good hospital day and spoke with someone kind… Makes such a difference to a “normal” person but even more so to a Mom who has already been through so, so much.
Thank you for the close-ups! That’s a ton of work you’ve done to that room. Remind me when we finally a buy a house to consult you on our decor! So glad to hear of a good hospital day. Now to try to decipher the numbers/letters that allow me to make this post…
The room looks absolutely perfect. You and Matt have put so much work into that house 🙂 I’m surprised that Simon wasn’t sitting on top of the change table to make sure that everything was in order!
Work it, girl! I laugh at all of that, because we’re all just so different. I cooked while pregnant just because it gave me something to do that would make me forget I was pregnant. But not really because I thought we would starve. 😉 If it makes you feel any better, I would prefer to juggle while cooking than to eat my husband’s cooking every night.
It’s a good man who will put your toenail polish on. I will admit, Brian cut my toenails for me when I was pregnant. I’m not sure I would have done the same for him!
I also researched and found the perfect stroller when I was pregnant with Bear (oh, and the perfect diapers, perfect bedding, perfect everything!) It has now been sitting in my basement for a year and a half. I hope we both get to use them soon!! 🙂
I never researched things with Ty, did some with Jacob but this one…I have been reading tons of things on the best products just to make sure Bee has the best, top of the line, best for baby (that we can afford) products out there. Never in a million years would I imagine standing in two different stores for 30 minutes reading ingredients lists and smelling baby products to see what one is the most eco friendly for baby. At least I decided on a carrier, the colour is another story but it’s like how do you prepare to have these things, to buy them when your so afraid they won’t get used. To have them in your house (and most of mine have just collected dust) and look at then like they are a curse, that because we have them it will cause our babies to die. I pray for nothing more then for your stroller to be used by Beta and perhaps come spring time I can join you and beta for a walk with my stroller that is sitting in the closet.
We didn’t care when B was born, either. My own OB said she’d prefer we chose a different date than the leap year for induction. We laughed. Rain or shine, Christmas or Thanksgiving… get this baby out alive and healthy. The date is really trivial. Really, really, really trivial.
Hoping your safe arrival of Beta is soon and smoother than expected.
I remember retreating as well around that time. You’re so close, but it’s almost like walking on needles. The fear of discussion, wishing, hoping, talking about Beta means it might not happen. That’s how I felt about B. I ignored phonecalls and interaction because I was tired of having no news to report. I wanted to report I was holding a live baby, not the same story of appointments and ultrasounds and NSTs and freaking out.
Yes give yourself that calm by all means. We also withdrew in the final month and survived and conserved our energy (physical and emotional). Your little family comes first and the rest of the world will deal 🙂
I really don’t think so. I hope…but dont think so.
My goal is to one day listen to friends and passers-by complain about all they HAVE, and somehow not let it stir my soul with sorrow for what I dont. Again…it’s a goal. I’m no where near that longed for reality.
I’m glad you felt your girls, and had that very special time with them.
I’m following along. Hot on your timeline. (I hope you don’t mind)
People are smug and I think I hate them. I’ve got all kinds of issues related to losing Andrew, and learning to hate people more? As if I needed help with that! Gah.
I couldn’t agree more. I was sceptical and a cynic before Ava died. After Ava died, it is even worse. Matt is the same, he finds watching “the happy people” (as he calls it) incredibly difficult. It is so much easier to be bitter now. I can usually keep it in check but yesterday was RIDICULOUS. It was one of those moments where I could have just disappeared into my anger for a while.
I’ll never forget a friend telling me when I was pregnant with Caro that another pregnant friend was really in for it because going from 1 to 2 kids is SO MUCH HARDER than going from 0 to 1. I just stared at her for a moment and then said, “Well. Sounds like a good problem to have.” I think she realized she’d put her foot in her mouth. I didn’t want to make her feel bad, really, (she’s been very sweet and supportive) but SERIOUSLY why would she say that to me? If only.
Oh gross! What a awful moment! Why on earth would she say that to you? If only indeed. I have maintained through our journey that the most difficult things of having your child die are related to the people that surround you and the things they say. The things people say have caused me significant pain. If only you could have both your girls, and I could have both of mine.
I have a friend – a very good one – who regularly mentions to me how hard it is to have two children. I can’t understand how she could allow herself to do this and I try so hard not to hold it against her, because I value our long friendship, but…People are just so, so oblivious. I’m sorry for your hurt, for what you’ve lost with Ava’s death, for what she’s lost.
no, we never do escape it. 🙁 I am lucky to have one living kid now and I hear people talking (complaining) about their kids or their deliveries and I just want to scream “MUST BE NICE TO ONLY GIVE BIRTH TO LIVING BABIES!”
Like Brandy, I have all kinds of issues related to our loss of our son. Working on not hating people for their good fortune is one of them. And I shouldn’t say “hating” but it’s a constant battle not to be bitterly jealous.
lots of love to you as you anxiously await your second girl while missing your first.
When we were there the other day there was a girl who was pregnant (you could tell the apple did not fall far from her dads tree) and she kept going out for smoke and talking about being at the methadone clinic…what it took for me not to slap the crap put of her!
Oh goodness, full speed ahead! I’m happy to hear everything is still smooth sailing. I’ll be following along, waiting for this very loved babe’s arrival. You’re doing great mama!
I was wondering how you’d be feeling on this day. Bittersweet I’m sure to be moving forward. Missing your Ava of course, but thankful for each more day with Beta.
I felt like (and sometimes still do) that is the only reason people read my blog or checked stuff on facebook – not out of a genuine concern, but rather to just know what is happening in our life. I had purged my facebook friends for that reason. My husband lost his brother 8 months after we lost Cale and when a bunch of people “friended” me on facebook when he was killed, I declined. Like they just wanted to be friends with the people who have tragedy strike.
I hope that however many days/weeks you have left, they are peaceful and hopeful. Lots of loving thoughts sent your way
I know what you mean. I love that Eliza has connected me to others… But I hate that so many people only know what’s going on in our lives because my daughter died.
I remember the relief and new anxiety of passing my own 34 week mark. Lots of love to you in the coming days. I can’t wait to meet Beta.
I would have died if a tech said that to me. I found out my baby died during an ultrasound, so I would have lost my s%*t if she had said that. Kudos to you for hanging in there! 3 more weeks… wow you are so close!
I know! I think if I had not been lying down I may have passed out! I am so thankful for our Dr who happens to be very competent and laid back enough to help us roll with the punches.
I’m quite impressed with your skills! There’s always the crockpot, too. Hah. Or the Wilson default, frozen pizza. You’d think with my culinary snootiness that I wouldn’t eat them frozen, but I sure will!
Lol, you and I buy, (and freeze) the same brand of light rye bread! Happy cooking Melissa. I have my freezer packed with zip lock freezer bags…chicken gumbo….beef stew…meat sauce,… And a few ready to cook already assembled lasagnas. I did a few cook-store-freeze marathons in February when expecting my babe….and haven’t dropped the habit since! Gives you such a relaxed, accomplished feeling at the of the night knowing that WEEKS of food is ready to go, homemade and preservative free at your finger tips, no? 🙂 !
Holy smokes – those are great and the setting is just incredibly beautiful! Looks like something out of a Monet painting. How fitting that Ava’s tree is in such a place of beauty.
Do they not realize they should preface all such statements with “it is normal” FIRST – like, “this is normal and your baby is FINE, but. . .” Good grief – sorry for the heart stopping moment – glad it was fleeting.
Relieved to hear you guys are going well… Especially you’re soon to be on the other side of your belly bundle. Things sound good. And you guys give me hope that it CAN all work out the next go around. Sending love, Keep us posted (if you’re up for it!)
I’m starting to stalk your blog more and more. And this made me laugh. These sassy animals. Never a dull moment egh?
After we lost Cale, I was sitting on my front porch with my mom and our dog Roscoe was running around in a hyper frenzy. She just smiled and said “I’m so glad you have him.” Because in happy times and in sad times, sometimes they are just a wonderful distraction.
(And of course sometimes they are just a pain-in-the-ass distraction)
I couldn’t agree more Caroline! I do not know how I would have survived without Charlie and Simon after Ava died. That said, there are moments where they are a real pain. Luckily we got up this morning and he appears to be feeling a bit better. Here is hoping we can keep this little girl healthy and happy where she is until he is mended.
In a very twisted way this is Simon’s way of letting you know just how much he cares. Cats get these problems when they are stressed. Of course it would be nicer if they just brought us a dead mouse or something…. Gotta love the kitties!
The part about you guys spending the day saying “Where is he? Is he squatting?” makes me laugh. Ah, the life of a pet owner. I’d guess that a kitty with a UTI will make a newborn seem easy. At least she’ll be peeing (mostly) in diapers.
Thinking of you as the days go by. 36+ is a GOOD place to be.
I had the same freak out. My MFM went over the way aspirin stays in your system and the risks if continuing because I was so worked up. It was like crossing the finish line too early or something. But it means you are so close!
How weird. I was on baby aspirin from the moment we started ttc until the day I delivered. There was never a talk of the aspirin needing to be out of my system. I wasn’t going in for a scheduled section, so maybe there is a difference?
I was so hoping you’d be having Beta sooner! I can’t wait. I’m so anxious right there with you.
Wow, 2 weeks! Can you even wrap your head around that!?! I’m hoping, praying, good vibing all the way with you guys. Wishing you guys a very restful wait.
I felt so sad and angry in the days leading up to Caroline’s birth. A lot of my grief resurfaced and felt so fresh in those final weeks. It was difficult and I felt frustrated and a little guilty for being so sad. I hope you have the same experience post-Beta as I had once she was born–unadulterated joy. More than I had ever expected. Many moments are bittersweet, but those were pure sweetness.
I’m right there with you, trying to wait patiently and not be overwhelmed by the massive anxiety at the end of this pregnancy. We’ve been listening to the new Mumford and Sons album (song “I will wait”) and working on making it through each day. Hoping and praying for happy news very soon!
That “raw” paragraph is so honest and perfectly written. I had the same answers. I didn’t want to find anything else to do or “enjoy” that time. I wanted to have a baby like I should’ve long, long before.
Thrilled this pregnancy is almost over and so completely hopeful a little Beta will be home soon.
I was on LDA and my Doctor recommended phasing it out early too – because Finn was breech and flipped at the end, but if he needed a C-Section they wanted me off of it. And Finn is a crazy, happy 15 month old now.
We know WAY too much – you are right. But what I had to keep reminding myself was that we know too much of the SMALL statistics and of the slim chances of things – the norm, the norm is for the vast majority of babies to be happy and screaming and pink when born! Praying you are in the norm so very soon.
Oh man Melissa, I’d say try less is more…but I know at this point there’s nothing stopping you! At 38 weeks with Alexander, I started cleaning, washing everything, organizing things that were already organized…then, one day, ate some smoked salmon that really turned my stomach, and was throwing up OUT OF NO WHERE. In turn, I threw my back out, and was a beached whale for about 5 straight days.
I guess what I’m trying to say is… If you don’t stop yourself, it’s possible something else will stop you FOR you!
Take it easy – if that’s even humanly possible at this point.
I’ll jump on the “I can’t stand doctors” train any time. I’ve heard “normal” “average risk” “nothing to worry about” too many times…and I’m not even out of the first trimester. Ugh.
It seems Mr. Raccoon found a comfortable spot on your roof! Though he seemingly had a wonderful stay on your roof, he severely damaged it, which is the problem with critters staying on your roof. It’s a good thing you discovered where he lived on your roof. Otherwise, he could have invited other raccoons, and they would have multiplied! Well, if you don’t want Mr. Raccoon coming back and nestling in your roof again, I suggest you patch up all the holes on your roof, and schedule a regular inspection to check if you have uninvited guests up there!
My list was similar to yours. My husband was a life saver. I went on a lot of walks. Honestly, it now all feels kind of like a blur. Like I don’t really know how we got there – we just did. Somehow.
Grief does make you honest, but I’m thankful for that.
Might I also suggest treating yourself to a pedicure. With one of your core friends. And pick a place where they don’t speak much English. It limits the questions 🙂
Honestly, I don’t think there is a real answer for me personally other then, I cope because I have to cope, I have no other choice. It’s like when people ask us how we make it through the grief of losing a child, we do it because we have to. We do it for our babies.
I don’t know you ”IRL” but I follow your blog… I’ve been hoping and praying, even remembering your sweet Ava, among (far too many) others, when I lit a candle in honor of my baby sister last night. How perfect! Congratulations! Wishing you all a peaceful, joyful recovery!
Oh my god, Melissa – happy day!!! I have been thinking about you, and I just had this feeling yesterday that you gave birth. It just hit me. I’m so happy to hear she’s here, and healthy. October 15th. What a glorious day. Such a tribute to her sister. Forever remembering. I thought of Ava. There are so baby A’s that I’ve come to know along this journey.
WONDERFUL NEWS!! I was just thinking “maybe she hasn’t posted because she had the baby!” So happy to hear of her safe arrival. Many congrats to you. Holding Ava close in thought today 🙂
So glad to hear that Beta made it safely into this world without HELLP rearing it’s ugly head! I can’t wait to read more about her arrival, and maybe learn her IRL name?
Lillian is absolutely lovely! Congratulations on the birth of your precious second little lady! Ava must be so proud to be a big sister. So wonderful that you’re both healthy and strong!
So beautiful, so precious. I am so glad that she is safely here with you and that Ava was present in the hearts of so many when her sister made it into this world.
I appreciated this post so much. I agree and understand it so well. I’m thrilled L is here and bringing back some joy into your life. Brooke was right on. We aren’t healed, but some joy can return with these babies. We need it to, not only for our sanity (we do live the rest of our lives!), but because it’s not fair to the siblings of our beloved babies for us not to share joy in THEIR lives. In a way, they force it on us in a very healthy and good way.
This line: The joy in our life now is as palpable as the grief and I am glad of it.
My goodness, yes. Both palpable, but at least they’re both present together… no joy is just not okay.
If you need to mix it up and she likes the Four Seasons, try Bach’s Brandenberg Concertos and Mozart’s Eine Kleine Nachtmusik. The recordings by Neville Mariner and the Academy of Saint Martin in the Fields are great.
I took months with some of my thank yous. I just wasn’t in the proper headspace to do it. I felt bad about it but eventually I did send them and I figure that’s what matters. I’d say don’t stress yourself over it.
Honestly, if you’re sending announcements, I would just use that and write a personal thank you on the back! But that’s from a girl who didn’t do announcements at all. 😉
I was not aware that you are suppose to send Thank You Cards….I’d say if you are sending out announcements, just do it then. If it takes you months, its better late then never as well and I’d hope most people understand why they will not arrive right away!
Sounds like B & L have some things in common, other than the obvious sadness.
The loud, goose-like squawking WHILE sleeping? Yeah, Benjamin did that the entire 3 months he slept in our room. At 3.5 months, we were more than comfortable sending him to his room on the same monitor where he (and we) have slept better ever since.
I’m so sorry your girls had to “meet” this way. What a life. No one could’ve anticipated this.
Ha ha! So I am not the only one with a Goose! Her noisiness cannot be understated. We adore it but it does make sleeping next to her rather difficult. I give you credit for sticking out 3 months next to a gooser!
That’s a beautiful announcement. I love how you incorporated her big sister. Ah, I’ll never get over how hard this all is…. Sending my love to your family of 4
What’s even more crazy is that everyone wants to touch their HANDS. My kid sucks his thumb and the last thing I want people doing is touching hands that will be going directly into his mouth!
Brave mama for hitting up the mall! But I understand. It’s cold outside and for those of us who didn’t have the items we needed because we were too terrified to buy them without the certainty that rainbow babies would be born alive… well, we’re left with some work to do.
I still look at his mobile and think that I did that with a newborn in my arms because I couldn’t bear to do it beforehand.
Hoping all those sickos (or not) keep their grubby hands of L!
I agree about the hands. This drives us nuts even still! My friend told me that I should put a sign on G that read “I have contagious diarrhea”. That should keep people away. In all seriousness, it should be okay to say something like “she is a newborn, we’d prefer if you didn’t touch her”. It seems so simple when I type it but I never had the guts to do it. And so we always did exactly what you did. Honestly people!! How about you don’t count your till and then come running up to touch a newborn. This should be a given.
Oh, moving! I want to lose my sh** with just remodeling the basement we have. To think of moving might send me into an anxiety attack. I wish you all the luck! It is a tinge exciting though, eh?
Ouch, moving……I unpacked my sewing machine today and I have no idea where the pedal is. We moved 1 year ago on the 17th of December. Do you think I know where that thing is? All it will take is the right house and you’re in trouble! 🙂
I’m more angry than I thought I would ever be now that Benjamin is here and Andrew is not. Angry for him, you know? Angry he won’t have a big brother to teach him things or stand up at his wedding.
I’m angry for myself, but so much more angry for him.
Tears again. Anticipation of today… thought it would be harder than the actual. Not the case, for some reason. I’m a sopping mess today.
I sure wish we had a tree ceremony here. We have a remembrance ceremony I won’t be in town to attend this year and it makes me so sad. I’d love to see the ornament you hung, if you have a picture?
What a precious moment between sisters! You’re such a loving mama, recognizing that even tiny little ones can be impacted by the tones and moods of what we allow in our homes. I can’t imagine how much more painful the tragedy must be for BLMs…. I known it must send t your empathy into overdrive. I think dancing with Lils is a great way to move thru the tears.
Oh my! I absolutely love that picture of Ava’s tree in the four seasons… of course that means it’s been four seasons (and more), but it’s truly lovely.
Nothing can prepare you.
Keep dancing and singing. I don’t know any other way to do it. Crying while dancing and singing? Par for the course.
What a lovely tradition. I hope you post pictures every year, too. And how wonderful of your mom to add a bow touch on her tree. Almost made me cry reading that!
That is really lovely. I also love how your mom stopped by and decorated the tree. Beautiful. This was our first Christmas without our little girl – she died in March. It was hard comparing the excitement we had while pregnant last year with where we were this year. We decided to head out of town, with no internet access at all, but this really inspires me to try to find our own Christmas tradition. Beautiful.
I’m so glad Lil is here save and sound. And I’m SO glad you were HELLP free this pregnancy completely! Would’ve been nice to be able to enjoy it though, you know?
For me, no. I don’t really. That’s sort of the luxury of choosing education as a career (when I decide to go back). I didn’t write about my students/job/boss when I was teaching and blogging. I do believe in confidentiality when related to certain things… so my fear of getting fired? Not there.
As far as the safety of B? Well, truth is… what will people do to him? I suppose they could know where I live, but there are kids all over the internet on many, many blogs that aren’t sad dead baby blogs. I just don’t think someone would want to target a family so… sad. Maybe I’m wrong, but I’m a lot more convinced that Kel.le Hamp.ton would get creepy stalkers than me.
I’ve never had anyone to hide from in family or life, so I’ve always been okay with being open. With that said, I do read blogs of people who don’t use their kids’ names and instead use only letters. They’re not searchable in that regard. There are plenty of anonymous bloggers out there, but to be honest, I don’t think their following is as strong if they don’t choose to be ultra vulnerable. I think that’s what makes us all more human speaking behind keyboards.
If you are afraid of sharing too much, go private? Instead of writing for others, reach out to others through Faces and their blogs. You can still be a huge support to others without a blog. I email with lots of people who don’t blog and I feel like that’s also quite beneficial.
I don’t worry about this much either. I don’t write anything that isn’t honest, but I also edit what I write in the sense that I don’t talk about work at all and I’m careful what I write about my husband since some of his co-workers read it (I mean, he’s MOSTLY perfect, but there are times…) I will never be (and never want to be) a blogger celebrity. My blog has few readers and the only search terms that would pull it up really would be related to baby loss or people who know us specifically, so I feel like the known good outweighs the potential bad. I don’t use my married name for my job, and my maiden name is very common, so I kind of have a big of anonymity that way when it comes to the idea of students possibly reading my blog (unlikely, but I make sure not to write anything incriminating in that sense–I’m fine with anyone who knows me knowing how deeply I grieve Eliza). But I do refer to Caroline as Zuzu almost always now as a bit of a privacy measure.
Overall, it’s just not a major concern for me. I know it is for a lot of people, though. I have a friend who took down some posts because she felt it might be seen as unprofessional in her career. Just do what feels right for you. The way I see it, you’ll never be able to control everything so as long as you’re authentic and you don’t feel over exposed, you’re doing what works for you.
The cleaning product aisle? I swoon over them, too. But I have to admit, I get more excited about the green cleaners now. There are still plenty for me to geek out about. Hah.
I know! She has changed so much! A big 3 month old in 3 days. I am glad I am not the only one who forgets… there is something comforting in knowing our wee ones have changed us so much.
We are a military family, so I often find that the things I keep out of my blog are things relating to deployments and my husbands work timeline. I don’t vent about his work situation or people he works with either, but lord knows I could 🙂
I don’t worry about it too much though to be honest. I think that the good has outweighed the bad in terms of people finding my blog for the right (albeit sad) reasons.
I’ve needed jeans for ages, but going shopping is exhausting. I’ve always found the small talk exhausting, and unfortunately now, it’s impossible. It’s making this whole “trying to meet new friends” resolution realllllly fun. Gah.
I hate the ugly place. I hate it because it’s always there and often times make me feel ugly. Like everything she said was true. And harmless. But to us there is SO much more behind the scenes. Yes, we should enjoy our time – it’s wise advice (albeit a little annoying) but to a BLM it’s not just about enjoying our time with this baby, but about the fact that we didn’t get to with this other baby.
I couldn’t agree more. I hate the ugly place for what it says about me and how ugly I feel for going there. What she said was entirely harmless… yet so potent through my eyes.
Yoga pants it is. I just bought a patch to sew up the hole in my old jeans so that I don’t have to find new ones. It is so hard to not want to smack people sometimes. I know other parents are trying to relate by giving advice/trite insights, but they have no idea that they should be so thankful that they will never be able to relate to my experience.
I had/have a hard time with “rainbow” as well, but love that they’re beautiful and surely represent a large undertaking of grief and sadness. Though, the storm is never over and the rainbow… I hope not fleeting.
Whatever we call these babies, they are precious gifts I’m so thankful we have.
You’re so right. It’s one of the things I worry about with getting pregnant again. Not only am I going to panic throughout the entire pregnancy, but probably that baby’s entire life! Much love and hope for the future.
I resisted the “rainbow” term for a while, too, but I use it now because I can’t think of anything better. I relate to your reluctance to buy ahead. I’ve done this a few times (for REALLY good sales) but I always feel funny about it–like I need to spit on the evil eye three times or something.
Yes! I totally get this… please stay baby, please. I have asked Harlow outloud to please never leave. Loss of a baby, our baby, your baby… it makes me or life seem so fragile. So easily broken. So I hold on really tight nd love with all my might…I totally hear you.
Ugh. Yes. The ugly, honest place where I want to slap people in the face with a taste of reality. Sometimes I can bite my tongue. Sometimes, not so much.
Sooo sweet. Reading this is helpful for me. Even though I’m almost 18 months away from our loss, I still wonder whether or not I should have a baby or whether or not I can have a baby and so many of the things that you said are true for me, too.
It’s amazing to me how life is really transient now – how one minute it’s here, my son is here! – and the next minute it’s gone.
I’m so glad little Lillian is here to stay. She’s beautiful. I love the name Lillian.
Oh my gosh, yes. I was so hypersensitive to criticism from David in the early weeks/months after Caroline was born. I think a lot of it was postpartum hormones, but I didn’t feel especially sad or anxious like ppd–I just felt hypersensitive to both good and bad things. It evened out after a while. You are perceptive to recognize it while you are in it–it was something that I mainly noticed in retrospect, especially after David would make an innocuous comment that would suddenly have me in tears.
I do love the image of your girls shaping you. I feel the same way.
When my first son was very young I told my friend that motherhood turns the world from a two dimensional experience into a three dimensional experience. That was the closest thing I had to compare it to. Like I had felt joy before, but now I felt it in three dimensions. I think that losing a baby changes this even more – to a fourth dimension? Like there’s a hole in my soul that shapes my entire experience of the world in a new way.
I’m glad that Lillian has come and has given you this new softness. How much more pleasant and joyful to be in the world when you have that kind of sweetness coming back at you.
And yes, postpartum hormones may amplify your internal landscape. I know they amplify mine. . .
Yes, yes, yes! I think I also was super sensitive because while parenting was new after Finn was born, it was my second time as a mother. And I wanted (and still do) that validated. But yes – EVERYTHING is felt deeper.
I am also similar… this is why I took everything the doctors said about low weight/feeding to heart. I didn’t want to be a bad mother. I felt so fragile.
I think there is some combo of hormone and PPD/PTSD tied in there. I KNOW I wouldn’t have been so sensitive with Andrew, had he lived and was my only living child. But when your firstborn dies? There’s a sense of guilt that will always play out. I’m guarded still.
I think we’re all trying to figure out the best way to navigate down that path of celebration, grief and acknowledgement. I’m sure it will adapt as Lillian asks questions and forms her own relationship with Ava. I hope you find the way to celebrate Ava this year that feels as good as it can in your heart.
I’m not sure if this helps, but I found your blog recently while searching for babies after preeclampsia and HELLP. I had both, about 4 months ago and my sweet son was born at nearly 24 weeks. He lived for 4 short days, and then passed away. The grief has been devastating. But, even more…I think all girls in our shoes wonder about ever getting pregnant again. The hospital was terrifying, everything that happened was scary and horrible. How could I put myself through that again? And yet, I’m already thinking about it.
Basically, I appreciate you putting things out there. And there are great resources for preeclampsia survivors, but nothing really affects me more than hearing one very personal story. So, thank you.
For Cale’s second birthday (Finn had just turned one) we just did a small blue balloon release in our backyard. Just my husband and I and my mom who was in town. It was peaceful and nice and we shared a big cupcake instead of a cake. Nothing big. But just enough to make the day his and to think about him and send him love.
None of the circumstances are your fault. I am guilty of this line of thought as well. Truth is, if we had known all was about to go south, we WOULD HAVE acted. But how were we to know?
You are a fantastic mother and I’m so happy to know that the deer is alive and you guys are safe and sound!
I am glad you did not hit the deer and you and Lillian are both safe. Good job for stopping straight and not trying to swerve! I often have grief moments after leaving family things. Nothing bad happens there, I just think it is tiring to interact with people and an extra reminder that our oldest babies should be here. And wow, do I have the guilt about how could I not have saved the baby in my belly. Ugh. But as Brandy said, it we had known, we would have changed things. I try and remind myself of that, but sometimes the negative thoughts come out anyways.
That is so scary!! I’m so glad that you and Lillian are safe. We are all doing the very best we can, every day. Sometimes the voices of the grief tell such awful stories. Such awful stories. I hope you can hold onto that knowing – that real, physical knowing that you would have done anything. Of course you would have.
Ugh! Those moments where I’m sideswiped by some unknowing person inquiring about my life where the dead baby bomb hovers. . .Thinking of you as Ava’s birthday approaches <3
It’s crazy how we’re going about our dead baby business and someone opens up the wound without realizing it. It’s like we’re so used to living without them in our own worlds and performing tasks such as buying candles for their birthday cakes they’ll never see that we are caught by surprise when someone draws attention to it all. Such an innocent question.
I know just how you feel about speaking her name. Don’t ask. But, please do.
Also thinking of you and Ava around her 2nd birthday.
p.s. We don’t carry a balance either and use our credit card exclusively. We save gobs of money that way! Plus, it’s super convenient.
I remember having this exact same realization about three months after Caro was born. Like “This is my life now.” And all that it entails. After years of being childless and free to do what we want, then months of happy optimism, then and months of mind-numbing grief, then a fearful pregnancy, we were finally at what felt like a good baseline of “normal.” There are still days that ebb and flow with grief and stress, but overall, this newest normal is a pretty good place to be.
“Good baseline of normal” what a great expression! That is is entirely. We have finally found a good baseline of normal after years of flux. The ebb and flow of grief is still there, I expect it always will be.
So funny. I’m glad you wrote that down. It’s one of those weird/bittersweet/hilarious/confusing moments that only we BLMs can speak to.
Now that you wrote that story out, I was reflecting on our own laughter. I vividly remember laughing and cracking jokes in my hospital room just hours, not days, after Andrew died. I can’t recount many moments I laughed in my entire life, yet that stands out so clear.
This grief sure is Bizarre but that is a really sweet story – thanks for sharing. And written so well! And thank God for the laughter – sometimes that’s all there is to hold back the tears.
Happy Birthday!! And happy, happy 30th! The party looks amazing, and I hope everyone had a great time. Welcome to your 30’s. I hope that they are full of joy and love!!
I feel so similar to this and really understand it. Sometimes I want to just close the windows and go back to the quiet. Other times, I need to escape it – it’s hard to balance the two.
You are so totally a mom to two lovely girls. Isn’t it wonderful to see that written or hear that aloud. Like, woah. Do I really have TWO babies to attach to my name? How special. And at the same time, how unfortunate that the only thing we’ll ever have are both names together and not loads of other things that unite them as our children.
I can feel B’s warm hands as I think of them. They’re so perfect.
I remember being SHOCKED that Caro’s hands looked just like Eliza’s when she was born. Like Eliza’s hands were “dead baby” hands instead of newborn hands or something? I don’t know. I was just so stunned that some of the features I thought were elements of death were actually elements of being newborn–does that make sense? It was my second favorite thing about Caro’s birth (the first being that she was alive and screaming, obviously). You have beautiful girls with beautiful names. 🙂
For some reason the second picture won’t load, but I imagine it to just be so precious.
When Cale died and we held him I was obviously crying, but seeing his little hand on top of his chest – it was under the blanket, but the blanket was loose enough to see his perfect little hand – and it just made me weep so much more. Because it was so perfect and just more evidence of this amazing little being that I created and wouldn’t get to raise.
These same thoughts have struck me numb on several occasions lately. I thought I knew what we were expecting when we were expecting Eliza, and I grieved for every moment I’d imagined that I’d never get to live. Everything I know now has deepened that loss, taken the imaginary and made it gut-achingly real. These days with Caro are sweeter than they might otherwise have been, but I’ll never get the taste of bitter loss out of my throat.
And yet, we now know the magnitude of what Ava and Andrew and Eliza and Bear and all of our babies would have given to us as well. It hurts deeply.
I am so thankful we’re experiencing this love now, but it makes me grieve even deeper sometimes because of what exactly we missed when we laid our babies to rest.
Yeah… we’re sad for you guys. At least you know we’re serious about Target being the best store ever (well, in the states). The maternity clothes from Target is just about all I wear while pregnant. I have quite the stash of the same exact shirt in every color imaginable. If I weren’t a BLM and could joke about this crap, I’d say it’s a good enough reason to get pregnant to just wear those amazing shirts that are comfortable as can be.
But I’m a BLM and that’s not funny. But they’re cute.
Exciting that Lil’s inaugural cart ride was at the Bullseye! Also, not all Targets have the plastic carts here… I imagine the newer ones only. My fave Target doesn’t, but the one in the opposite direction does. They’re about 50/50. Random tidbit. 😉
She’s most def an adorable GIRL and it drives me INSANE when people touch B’s hand. He is a ravenous thumbsucker and I am not cool with that!
Bee and I enjoyed Target as well! Bee even got a sticker from the cashier. I would have politely, or maybe not so politely, told the lady not to touch my daughter. I can’t stand when people do that, especially strangers. We had a close call the other day too but I moved Bee away.
And maybe it’s just me, but I would not dress my little boy like the above picture, that is very girly.
People are sooo stupid. We took Zuzu to a Christmas party (briefly–for David’s work people) in blue and lavender pjs covered with snowflakes. People see blue and automatically think BOY, no matter what. It’s absurd. I got all offended at that party because someone said, “How old is she? Two months?” WTH? She was five months. Did she LOOK or ACT like a two month old? No.
Also I hate people touching the baby’s hand. Yick.
Wait, so are you moving? Or just finishing the last of the rooms in your house?
I am not looking forward to this (for you) because I know what it’s like to miss the husband while he’s slaving away on a house project (ehm, basement!) for months. But, it’s so nice when it’s done.
We just did curtains in our bedroom this weekend. Lived here three years and we had no curtains. Just PINK blinds that were original when we moved in. Unreal. We feel so sophisticated with floor to ceiling curtains. Like big kids.
Back for a second peek because I am so excited to see the new kitchen. Feeling pretty good about my carrier now… look at all you did with her in that thing!
I want to blog about this article also! I didn’t experience the “circle jumpers,” although I can understand your sensitivity that. But I did have a friend who said things to me that were inappropriate–that needed to be spoken outward to a further circle and not inward (things like, “I thought you would be better by now.”–six months after our loss. I know she was sad about the way our friendship changed, but it was infuriating the way she made my loss about HER.
Oh wow. I’m so glad I saw this post! Thank you. Great article AND yes we had circle jumpers, too, and I didn’t have a name for it. They just made me mad and uncomfortable. Yes.
I like what you said about people’s ignorance of grief. People just don’t know what they don’t know! But what’s hard is when they think they know what they don’t know. I ran into this many times with my sister. My older sister. She just didn’t know what was appropriate conversation. Ever. When I go back and look at timelines in my first year, she is always the one that triggered so many upset emotions in me. Talking about starting a family, trying to conceive, planning, counting the months it would take… And here I am only a handful of months out. She just didn’t ever get it that this would NEVER be something we were going to bond over, or even be ok for her to talk about with me. And she only ever dug her hole deeper as the months passed. To the point where we do not talk. And she thinks it’s about her LIFE, when it’s really about her, and her ignorance. It’s so sad really.
I read this article, and want to forward her the link…but I’m afraid it won’t be received…she’ll think it doesn’t apply to her. Because she didn’t “dump” in… She was just a buzzing oblivious presence, and went on about unimportant things that were really hard for me/us to tolerate. And it’s the fact that she just.doesnt.get.it that caused the entire split to this day.
God, sorry. I just dumped on your blog!! But this stirred up a lot. I’ve been wanting to write about this whole relationship crumble with my sister for some time now…but don’t want to sound petty to foolish.
Thank you for posting this, and giving this oh so common occurance a name
I have some lanolin left over from the early nursing days that I sometimes put on Zuzu’s diaper rash. I figure if it works for bloody nipples, it can work for raw baby butt. The very best thing you can do though is just let it out to air–try to keep a diaper off of her for as long as possible. I put down crib-size wet mats on the floor and just let Zuzu play naked (this was pre-crawling, obviously–now I just have to let her loose on tile and be willing to clean up a puddle). One of our daycare teachers told me she had seven kids and no diaper ointment works as well as fresh air on the bum. But Bordeaux’s Butt Paste is her recommendation for diaper rash. Hope Lillian’s feeling better soon!
It so frequently changed, what worked for my kiddos, but I second the lanolin, the boudreaux, and the air. A small amount of baking soda in their bath seemed to help, and so did a surprising amount of straight cornstarch in the diaper. If you all have Triple Paste up there, it was amazing sometimes. I would get desperate and use 3-4 of these methods together occasionally! Hope Lillian and you both recover soon and fully!
If you use disposable diapers I have heard that the Bordeaux’s Butt Paste is the best. If you use cloth, Dimpleskins Bum Bum Balm works very well and of course, if you can manage naked butt time but that in combination with runny poops probably is not the best combination. Also try getting the natural diapers as they have less chemicals which could be easier on her bottom.
Piddle Pads are the best! I swear by them, I’d be lost without them. We go through so many. I also get peed on a lot as Bee’s small thighs make cloth diapers not fully leak proof. But oh well, it’s just pee. Glad to hear she is starting to feel better!
Oh my. I know those nights! You never see them coming and inevitably, they are after a long day of work and busy-ness. As tired as we are, us BLMs have our hearts beating fast and just say words of thankfulness to have these kinds of problems. 🙂
I’ve been missing Eliza especially a lot lately. I wonder if it’s the change of season? It’s finally warming up here, and I think each time the seasons change, the ache in my heart hurts a little more at the passage of time without her.
I had no idea you had a problem adding me to your reader! Does anyone else have this problem? That is inconvenient to say the least. I have searched my settings and do not see anything amiss. Can anyone help me?
She shows up just fine in my reader. But Caroline’s blog won’t appear for me. Very weird.
A year makes SUCH a difference. I’m so sorry you got to know us, and so very glad you did. And of course, so happy that you were able to try for another pregnancy and end up with your sweet Lillian.
Loving everything about this post, except for the sad. I can’t shake it either, though for different reasons. This was a difficult week on so many levels wasn’t it? Ava’s tree brings happiness to my heart as well. ♥
Such a cute onesie and of course how sad and endearing about Ava’s puppy. So sweet to share that piece of Ava with her little sister. May she love it and be comforted by it as well.
Yes, there’s so much to grieve that we don’t even realize while in the thick if it and grieving the most precious of all – the original loss of our child. But sadly, and unfairly, it doesn’t end there.
I do think that we’ll all mourn the loss of not only our children who died, but the family we imagined. We mourn that we’ll never have the correct number of stockings or the family life we envisioned with that first glance at those two double lines on that pregnancy test.
Lil is so lucky to have such wonderful parents who wanted her so bad. I remember wishing the world to grant me one more chance to have Andrew alive and that I would never ask for another child again. And here we are with different circumstances. It doesn’t make us mourn their loss or the reality of how our families are so far different from we ever anticipated they would be, however.
Our babies absence always is there. Grieve and don’t feel ashamed about being sad about losing the vision of what you thought your family would look like. I did not have life threatening pregnancy complications, but we had fertility issues. Getting pregnant with our first, who died when I was 32 weeks pregnant with her, felt like a miracle at the time. 5 rounds of IUI, a failed round of IVF, 2 fertility doctors 3 years of trying and no pregnancies. Then a baby with no interventions like a gift from the heavens, and then to lose her… I knew that we may never get pregnant again, but we tried again, we went to a TCM practitioner, a hyponotherapist, I meditated and did yoga and we got pregnant again, now we are in the last few weeks of that pregnancy, holding our breath, waiting for our second daughter to come, praying and hoping for a living, healthy baby. If she makes her appearance healthy and happy, we would like to try for another, but I know that may not be possible, plus I turn 37 later this summer which adds some more issues. We have many friends with fertility issues that have turned to adoption, which has it’s own chances of heart break as well. Although that path is not right for everyone, and not an easy road, during my darkest times of infertility I would think of my friends with their children and remember there are many ways to build a family. Peace and light to you as you mourn Ava and your vision of what your family would look like.
I can relate so much to this, even though we haven’t made a firm decision about whether we’ll try to have another baby. No matter what we do, we’ll never have the families of our dreams, and we all grieve for that.
It took us longer than two weeks but it was two intensive weeks to get us up and running. It is a nice space finally after years of not liking our kitchen.
Love Ava’s tree. Our flowering plum for Eva died this year but seeing yours is lovely. We’ll plant another because trees, unlike children, can be replaced. Love the puppy.
My beautiful friend Melissa. I adore your honesty. Although you may not have the family you dreamed of in the conventional sense, there is no avoiding the fact that I have two little (ok, not so little) babies who love you like family. You are part of their good times and bad, fights and giggle fits. Family is what you make it. It is a place in our hearts.
Sarah was your first blog connection, huh? I had no idea! I wish she were there with us and Otis’ little brother as well. 🙂
That’s the one thing I love about this community– we’re so inclusive. Even if we have our differences, the main connection we have is that we lost our children, all within a similar time-span. These are people, that no matter how different on the surface, are grieving something fierce along with us.
I love that you remember hearing your names screamed as you arrived. I’m so glad you felt welcomed and loved. Getting a chance to meet your Lil was so special. Seeing these rainbows really does connect me to their older siblings. I am honored to have seen photos of your sweet Ava and understand even more of what your experience was like.
The love was so palpable. Speaking of love… your wedding anniversary? How come you didn’t mention that! We would’ve done something special for you guys! (though, come to think of it… this was quite special in itself!)
I’m sure Matthew knew in agreeing to come with you that this was an ultimate gift, not only for you, but for him. I hope he understood how welcomed and loved he was as a bereaved dad as well. It was such an honor having you both here.
Matthew said he was honoured to come and felt so validated by being included. I think the men in our lives try to be strong for us so much that it is easy forget the pain they suffer as well. This weekend was so healing for both of us. We were glad he could come (and let’s face it, I could not do an 8 hour drive with Lily by myself!)
I couldn’t agree more, somehow meeting the little siblings brought the babies closer to me. I now can picture Andrew so clearly, I can picture Eliza, Cale and Jack…Addison…Anna, the list goes on and on.
Ha ha ha. It was our wedding anniversary on the Sunday. We could not imagine being in a place with more love than your home this weekend. It was special enough.
Thank you for sharing Ava’s story. I found your blog from Brooke, we also lost our first daughter to HELLP, though luckily they figured it out and delivered before my liver got really bad. That pain though…is indescribable. I can’t believe I let it come and go for so long before I realized how not normal it was.
Of course I know you! You were pregnant with Matthew as I was with Lillian and oh did I hold my breath for your entire pregnancy. Thank you for finding my blog and reading our story. Thank you! Mercifully there are so few HELLP Mama’s out there that it is hard to find any that blog. I am so glad to have your company though wish it were for different reasons.
I don’t know much about you or your history, but I have spent a ton of time researching pre-e and HELLP and the risks of recurrence. If your second pregnancy was okay, the odds are pretty favorable that a third would be as well. HELLP tends to be worst and mostly in first pregnancies (by a huge percentage). My third was my easiest pregnancy yet, we made it 37 wks after having HELLP at 23 wks the first time. Not to say that there isn’t a risk, there is a risk with getting in the car, but with a good team of doctors watching you carefully, the risks were worth it to us. (That said, I didn’t have any liver damage or anything left from HELLP.) My doctors were much more concerned with it being c-section #3 then HELLP. This is not meant to discourage your decision in any way, but just to say you might want to consider getting more professional opinions-especially if you are considering permanent birth control-and especially opinions from an MFM/specialist.
But yes, even if you do have more, someone will always be missing. <3
I just want to say that Matthew was a champ. Because as much as I hope he enjoyed the weekend, it would obviously be more emotional and special to you, the mama. What a guy you have there.
And it was so very special to see you and love on Lil. I’m glad I got to learn more about Ava and her family, you’re all so special.
I think he is a champ too! He loved meeting you and everyone else. He is now asking about you guys and is reading a few of your entries which makes me smile.
Seeing Finn made me happy enough for one weekend nevermind everything else on top of it. I loved playing with him and making him laugh. I miss your sweet boy. Happy Birthday Finn! Seeing you hold Lily, speechless. So glad we had this time together. I miss you already!
I have followed your blog for sooooo long. I feel honoured to see you reading mine! I would have loved to meet you this weekend as well…and wee Frostina!
I especially love the shot of all the rainbows in their hats… and the mom’s doing their best to round them up! Caroline with Finn… too much! And Zuzu sitting all by herself crossed legged and all zen-like, waiting for everyone else to get their act together! B taking off all like, “call me when this is over..” and Bode just callin it, losing it…so done. And Lil’s (I’m assuming looking at you) like, “what’s happening?!” lol. Love it. Brooke said it on her blog, herding cats, ha!
What a beautiful weekend filled with beautiful ladies and their rainbows
This is beautiful! I love the list of values. Thank you for the reminder that celebrating our living children does not diminish the love we have for their missing siblings.
That’s so lovely, and I love the signatures on your list. What a beautiful way to surround Lily with love. And yes to what Mama Bear said–celebrating life honors the babies we wish so much were here, because we would have done the same for them.
That’s exactly what happened here this weekend as well.
Isn’t it true how much those babies changed us? I’m such a different person (less uptight if you can believe it!) and really understand the need to just be present.
She is quite a happy, lovely, and adorable sister. 😉
I parent Maxwell in much the same way…he’s happy and healthy and will probably wear shoes when he’s walking. He is loved beyond measure and that is what matters most to me (along with his well being and safety of course). Too relaxed, perhaps, but I would rather be too relaxed than too worried and up-tight. For now I’ll enjoy the little moments I do have and grieve the ones I never will. I am positive Lillian is happy just the way things are just from seeing her sweet face!
I worry (A LOT) about things like whether Bode is breathing! smiling, eating, playing and sleeping. Shoes, not so much. Lily knows how much she is loved!
I have yet to even start a book for Cale. I bought all the stuff, have pictures printed and have it all in a nice little tupperware box I even labeled “Cale’s Album” with a LABEL MAKER. And then that’s as far as I got. I thought I would for sure get it done before Finn arrived, but couldn’t do it when I was pregnant with him for many of the same reasons. And here we are THREE YEARS (oye) later and it has yet to be touched. I have vowed that it will get done before I’m 30. It’s on my 30 by 30 list. But I know the reason I’m putting it off isn’t so much that I’m afraid of the emotions, because honestly at times I welcome them, even the ugly ones, but because I want there to always be something to do for Cale. I always want to have a project for him or that involves him and am worried that if I finish the album there won’t be much left to do for him.
Maybe we can help each other. Let’s set a date – not to have it all finished, but to at least share some progress we’ve made. You’ll have a busy October planning a special birthday, but maybe we share by September 30th?
I love this idea! I agree, September 30th we will share what we have done…finished or not.
Wow. The second I read that you always want something to do for Cale goosebumps ran down my arms. That is so very true. Isn’t this another way we can parent our babies? Something to do for them because if they were here we would be chasing a 3 and 2 year old around. We could be wiping faces and singing songs… this book is an act of parenting and I hope when it is finished it isn’t over.
I always think that I carry her with me. I promised her in the letter I put with her memorial tree that I would live a full life for her. I would live and love fully, letting her see life through me. I would act as I would want her to act, I would allow her to be my guiding principle. I will always try and find ways to incorporate her, I am always searching for her where I can. So that my parenting is never done.
Yes, yes, yes. I too have odds and ends in drawers and boxes that belong to Alexander, or we’re given to him (shower cards and condolence cards). I so want to gather them all up, and properly keep them in order…but it is always something I’ll have to do for him. Once it’s done, it’s done. And I’m not ready for that.
I am only part of the way finished with Bear’s scrapbook too. I love what I have so far but I really have to be in a special (emotional) place to work on it. Like you, I really want to be able to show it to others but not until it is completed. But like Caroline, I like having something for Bear that I am still working on.. I know once I finish his book I will be able to come up with another Bear project though. And I also know that showing people years later will remind them how much Bear still matters to our family.
I finished Andrew’s… but I can assure you. I was literally a MESS of tears and sadness during the whole process. I grew to dread it when I would open up the software. I’m so thankful I have it (though), but mostly thankful it’s done. It’s so emotional. :/
And yet, so angry that of the 4 women interviewed, you were the last listed (dead baby) and the only one with a (dead baby).
CURSES.
But yes. I am thrilled your voice and the voice of someone with loss has come out and shared the reality of how scary HELLP can be and how life-threatening it is for both baby and mom.
I hope this helps other women– especially those who suffered HELLP (bc obviously they wouldn’t research before since they are BLESSED AND PERFECT AND WOULD NEVER HAVE THAT HAPPEN TO THEM, BAH). I hope you are an inspiration and support. Actually, I know you are. 🙂
I have yet to finish Ty or Jacobs, I actually wrote a blog awhile back about this same issue. To me, I don’t think I want to complete it because then it will be final, it will be the end and there shouldn’t be an end because they both should be here. I feel like if I finish it, it’s done. That part of my life is done, there is no more to add but a book to be added to our shelf. Both of the boys have their books in a box in a closet right now and I have no desire to go through it because I just can’t finish their baby books. I don’t know if I ever will and yes, infants with any time to do anything besides take care of them, not happening. I did make a video though for all my babies which was hard but so emotionally satisfying, kind of like a book but with music.
Don’t say that. In my head Canada is perfect. Nothing but wonderfully friendly people, gorgeous scenery everywhere and the best weather year round with the perfect blend of all seasons.
I think that every time a celebrity is having a baby, or even when friends of mine are having a baby, it’s always what if, never happens but I always think that.
I am not sure there is anything sweeter. I have watched this video a few times now and it never fails to make me laugh. Thank you for Lily for always putting a smile on my face!
Full is absolutely right. After Eliza, I thought contentment was out of reach for me. But I have it now. It’s not what I thought it would be, but it is so amazing to experience this fullness and joy alongside grief.
I totally get the word hope. Every time I buy bigger clothes for Bee I think, oh these are cute, I hope she gets to wear them. I don’t know if a day will come where I don’t think that but that’s the life I live.
P.S. I have the same size problem as you but opposite. My wee lady is wee, she’s just fitting into 3-6 month clothes lol.
I feel like I need to knock on wood when I buy ahead with bigger sizes. And I cherish being able to do it. Just wish all those bigger sizes were hand-me-downs from her sister, you know?
i just found a quote I’d scribbled down in a small notepad in my purse that seems exactly right for this: “When you’re weary, find relief. When you’re strong, find delight.” It sounds so simple, but it helps me get through some of the ebb and flow of grief. Do what you need in the moment, whatever it is.
If I’m being totally honest (hard as a BLM in situations relating to a living child), being a stay-at-home-mom is really challenging for me at times. They are definitely lonely days.
Some days the one comfort (B), is not comfort enough when my mind is left to wander BECAUSE I’m not being stimulated otherwise. Cleaning up, messes, kid books, storytime all lend themselves to being mundane and allowing our minds to wander, wander, wander. Too much almost.
I loved my job, so it’s even more difficult. But as I said to Elliot even the other day again, it’s not an option for me to leave Benjamin. I can’t. Even though I have multiple worlds I’m pulled between (one in which Andrew were living), it can’t be changed. I love every moment of a growing boy in my house. Yet, the yearning and aching is hard to stop. Especially when driving to and from swim lessons.
I think that if we had family in town (like I was telling Elliot just yesterday), I would love to work part-time– you know, in a perfect world where I actually secured my dream job part-time!
BUT, grandma on either side lives no less than 1,000 miles away. Impossible. Instead of him sharing firsts with our family, it would be him sharing firsts with others. And I have a hard time with that one. I’d love for him to have the nurturing he would get from his grandparents as caregivers and the extra bonding that comes with it, but again, not an option.
We are fortunate that my husband’s job (that moved us 2,000 miles, mind you and the only reason we took it!) allows me to stay at home and live comfortably enough. But I miss the job I fell in love with and worked so hard at, too. The job I tirelessly wrote grants for, created relationships, earned graduate degrees. That job I miss.
Though, the job for me right now is the one in which I nurture my son. Quite possibly the most important student I’ll ever have.
Leaving work was easy for me because I was in the Army knew I didn’t want to make it a career. Staying home with Finn is wonderful and fulfilling enough for me right now. I don’t know if that will always be the case. But two, two is still fun and cute and full of firsts. Even two would be hard to walk away from if I had the dream job.
I’m so glad you have such a supportive partner. It’s a must when making these decisions. And so, SO glad you have something worth staying home for.
Totally agree with everything Brandy said. Sometimes I appreciate that grief waits for me in the shadows. Like “go live your life Caroline, but I’m here when you need me” and I do still need it sometimes. That intense, raw, real grief. Because so much of that is intermixed with the intense, raw, and very real love for my son.
Okay, I admit I am a little jealous of you Canadian ladies who have such a nice maternity leave. And oh how I wish the US system was like that, or even better–Sweden!
My job pays our bills and provides health care, so I didn’t have a choice, but having a comfortable (and part-time!) job to return to was a blessing. I am so thankful to be able to work part time and still feel like I have those stay-at-home-mom days with Bode most of the week. The days do get long sometimes and it is hard to feel that intense need to savor it all. Maybe I will want to work more when Bode’s developmental changes are slower but these first couple of years, the changes are visible on a daily basis and I really don’t want to miss that!
I’m sorry for the constant questions and the lack of an ideal job. Starting a new job is stressful enough without worrying about Lily and all the firsts and just everything, including still grieving that of course is so off of most people’s radar. There is nothing more important than being Lily’s mama. I hope all the nosy questions slow down.
Oh, I don’t want that time to come… the 1 year mark.
The leave is great, but work is stressful, and I too am not looking forward to having to entertain these thoughts – seriously. I have a job waiting for me, but it wasn’t one that I was thrilled to be at in the first place, so going back seems like the last thing I want to do. And once that decision is made.. it’s not like I can poke my head back in at work and ask to come back after 15 months… 18 months … 2 years. My position will just go to my temporary replacement. Ugh. Life.
I’m sorry to hear that the job you were working before didn’t end up being permanent. Especially if it was something that you would have wanted to return to after your leave.
I still don’t know if I’m going back – I too get the question, but weekly at this point (3 months).
Staying home with Lil is the best job. I’m glad you’re able to do that, and soak her up. Every second of her 🙂
I haven’t accepted Andrew’s death either. It feels like betrayal in accepting that. And honestly, I don’t want to accept that losing a child is okay and just. I don’t want to accept that for him. For Benjamin who lost a brother. For my husband who lost a son. For my parents and in-laws who lost their very first grandbaby.
I’ve always been angry about losing Andrew. I couldn’t help it. Not in a violent way, but because I feel so hurt, I wanted others to feel hurt as well. I wondered why someone like me who had my shit together and was a genuinely good person would be dealt the cards I felt that if deserved (though no baby deserves death), it definitely shouldn’t have been me on the receiving end.
It makes me angry that Ava is not here and that you’re serving that life sentence with me and so many other mamas.
I dont think anger has been a primary emotion (although it has at times) but it has been a constant for me. I remember being so angry about a week after losing Cale. The first emotions were just sadness and shock. But then I was briefly overcome with a very intense rage about it all. That was when I joined an online support group which helped me not accept what happened, but accept the feelings that would go along with it all, anger included.
Sometimes my anger isn’t about me – I get so mad for Cale, for Finn, for Miles and all they have been robbed off.
Because yeah, a lifetime is so impossibly long to go without them.
Cheese croissants. Not sure how that combo works, but I want it. Now.
I see both sides of the nap equation. We can be out all morning… YAY! More time to spend places and not having to hoof it home for naptime. But yeah, I refinished dressers and such while he had two naps. I can barely get the house picked up and emails read/responded before he’s up again now. Though, I do love that little guy.
What a beautiful thought…I never stop wishing we were part of this together. A life sentence…I’ve never thought of it that way, but it really is isn’t it!?!
My anger tends to surface as anger for my boys, for all of our missing babes really, on their behalf, if someone doesn’t acknowledge them, takes a living child for granted…that sort of thing. It also quickly evolves into hurt. I’m not so great at dealing with anger.
Sweet! I’ll have to try that stuff if I can. Ezra emails me from work if there’s ink on his shirt.. He takes stain removal seriously and it must be a priority when he comes through the door!
Pregnancy hair is pretty much the only time I felt like I HAD hair. My hair is so fine and pretty thin to begin with, now that it’s all falling out (again!) I’m legitimately going bald. Blasted hormones!
You know, I REALLY get this. When my son was born (abruptly due to a complete placental abruption) we were staying in a hotel. For about 6 months I couldn’t unpack the overnight bag that held my toiletries. I just set it in the bathroom and used stuff out of it. And then, when he died 7 weeks after he was born, I couldn’t move the book that was on my bedside table. It stayed there for almost a year, until we moved. Like moving it somehow broke a spell.
I have similar superstitions. Foods I will never eat again…places I will never go again, and things I did with B that I almost want to replicate in every way.
That DVD, as far as I’m concerned, is going to sell your house.
I have the same issue, there are somethings we got for Bee that I will never use or she will never use but I don’t have the heart to get rid of them, like they hold a super power to her life or something. I also have the same issue with things from the boys (like a friggin diaper bag) I mean they have already passed away and I still can’t part with some particular things.
Of course I love all the renovations. These are some of my favorite posts from people because I love seeing how other people (I know, love and have met!) live.
You guys have great taste and I think the house curb appeal is actually quite lovely. Aside from the obvious sadness, what a cool place to make your own firsts together. Even if firsts mean nonstop remodeling.
So when Stephen and I buy our first house (which will no doubt be a fixer upper) it’s good we know who to call! It looks amazing guys, I have a feeling it won’t be on the market very long.
When I was pregnant with Bear I did all sorts of research on cloth diapers and had every intention of using them. I thought about it again with Bode but then the reality of trudging up and down my treacherous no-railing stairs to an icky basement to move the laundry a couple of times every day made the decision easier. We use disposables. It is the right decision for us. My baby is alive; he is happy; he has never had a diaper rash. No regrets about it.
I did use the more environmentally friendly disposables for the first weeks and wow were they terrible!
We are currently a disposable diaper family too. And my surroundings are the opposite to yours. EVERYONE I know uses disposable. Daniel has 3 sisters all with multiple children and not one of them has even considered cloth. Like, they literally think its insane.
And my few close friends are the same. Pam pers all the way.
We got loads of the P brand when I was pregnant with Alexander, and I really really did want to CD. My mother did it back in the 80s and I’m a bit of a crazy recycling hippie, so I thought FOR SURE I’d be cloth diapering, washing, sorting…all that jazz. But Daniel wasn’t on board, and told me that no one would be able to change diapers but us should we CD.
So then our baby died, but my cloth diapering dreams did not.
But then we had Theo. And newborn poo was our life. And some days (Theodore still does 2-4 pops a day at 4 months old) it still is. And in preparing for him I couldn’t imagine getting set up with CD and not know if he would come home to use them…so yeah…
And we used up all the gifted pamp’s and just kept buying box after box. Sleep depravation is a huge part in my decision to continue to wipe and toss… But I still yearn for a day where he’ll be all big butted with a clothy bum!
I think my mother told me that us gals (me and my sister) we potty trained by 2 years old, and the heaviness of a cloth diaper encourages potty skills, so I was all, “cloth diapering it is then!”
But she told me that my brother was a 100% disposable diaper baby, AND she used a CD service with me and my sis AFTER we were 6 months old and on solids… I didn’t feel so guilty about not following in her footsteps.
I’m surprised you know so many people who do use cloth. While I do think it’s become “trendy” I also think that’s a retarded reason to do anything, especially use cloth. Finn was in disposables for 17 months. Sure it hurts the soul of some environmentalist but he’s not better off now that he’s in cloth – he’s just as happy and just as loved regardless of what catches his poo!
I am a proud disposable diaper user. I don’t ever apologize for it. My first baby died and I’ve been through hell, so if I don’t feel like scrubbing poo out of cloth diapers then I don’t have to. End of discussion!
Don’t let anyone make you feel guilty about it. Don’t they have better things to do with their time????
Oh, and using disposable diapers is “Normal.” As is using the cloth ones. Either way, you’re still changing a bunch of them a day.
I’m a disposable user, too. I feel guilty every time I change his diaper… but the cost of investment (esp if Lil will be the last) is super high. And while I do think the hippies and all your friends are great for their CD skills, I am bothered by how trendy it’s become. Not because it’s become trendy (good thing!), but because there should never be a time us moms condemn one another unless what we’re doing is unsafe for our children. While not environmentally friendly (I tried those diaps too… not the best but I used them for a long time), you’re caring for that baby with everything in you.
You should not feel shamed by that. I’m also surprised, like Caroline, that your friends are such CD peeps! I only have two friends who CD and others who tried but hated it.
Another disposable diaper user here…I couldn’t let myself plan that far ahead when I was pregnant with Maxwell. After he got here, I was just so thrilled to have a bum to diaper that it hadn’t occurred to me to switch. I make lots of other environmentally friendly choices so I can live with this not so Earth friendly choice.
Yay for cute little bums on our rainbows, no matter what kind of diaper we put on them!
No judgment here. Cloth works for me but I completely understand why it doesn’t work for a lot of people. And I use disposables anytime we travel. I love the idea of cloth being trendy but that is definitely not the case in middle America! I’m the odd hippie out among my local friends.
And truly, the most environmentally friendly thing we could do is to potty-train early. Saving water AND not putting diapers in landfills.
You have at least one nearby friend that is disposing of diapers! I also had dreams of cloth diapering but it just never materialized. I feel disappointed in myself as well but quite frankly, my mental health was/is more important. Think of all the other things you do to environmentally conscious…those count for something.
I am also surprised you only know cloth diapering moms. People I know don’t use them. I know one full time cloth diapering mom, and one 14 time (working fulltime) cloth diapering mom. I don’t like the snobbery that comes with it. I chose to do it to save money so I can stay homewith Ben after my years leave is up. People often turn it into a tree hugger thing, but I think its financial for many. And scraping sh*t isn’t hard but I dunno if I’d brag about doing it.
Oh poor little beag! Little Mac eats at her paws a lot and the vet had us switch her to an all-natural (expensive) dog food that didn’t have corn as an ingredient. To be honest, I don’t think it helped that much.
I laughed a little bit at the idea of him being a “lemon.” He’s lucky to have you.
You’re all saints. I know dogs are great, but I simply can’t do it. We appreciate all the dogs as we walk the trails each day, but when they’re my responsibility and as needy as my 1.5 year old? I’d need loooooots of cocktails at the day’s end.
Jillian is a tyrant. I think I’ll take a year off. Hah.
Yes, they are our messes huh? Roscoe is a bad paw liker too. They say we could have him tested for allergies, but it’s so crazy expensive and when we do try different things (new food, different meds, sprays, etc) it doesn’t really prevent him from attacking his paws from time to time.
Hope Charlie is ok soon! Glad you’re taking a day off 🙂
My dog growing up needed steroids for bad skin most of her whole life. She lived to be 14 and we always figured even if the meds shortened her life a little, it was better to have a good life than be miserable for longer.
I of course can’t write anything about a good, but short life without thinking of our babies. It doesn’t take away the pain of their absence, but I will always be glad they lived good lives being surrounded by love the entire time.
There are many times Jillian Michaels has owned me. I gave up on her and switched to Bob. He’s a lot more gentle. As for the lemon pets, our Milo is like that. I rescued him from a cardboard box on the side of a road. He also suffers arthritis and will eventually need to be on pain meds as well. He also has severe allergies (to everything) and asthma. He is in every few months for his allergy shots but it’s getting to the point we have to give him allergy pills everyday or switch to a kitty inhaler (yes they really do make those lol)He also does not tolerate most meds and has cost us a few thousand dollars with all his emergency vet visits. But they are our life right? We’d do anything for them because they were there for us when we needed them to be and continue to be. Love fur babies as well!
-I totally felt guilty putting away Cale’s urn for showings. Ugh. -When you mentioned your liver scar I thought “I wonder what that looks like” – is that weird? Kinda. No, that’s totally weird. But. . .what’s it look like? -When I eat ice cream bars I usually put the wrappers in the trash UNDERNEATH other trash. Just in case I want to go back for seconds. Then there’s no evidence of the first time -I put Finn in a disposable diaper if I think he’s going to have a really gross and/or big poop. -Just typing something about ice cream makes me want some. It’s almost 10pm.
Hahaha. I loved reading yours and then being lucky enough to get Caroline’s anecdotes as well. 🙂 I totally hide the bad food wrappers.
I would feel guilty about putting away Andrew’s things, too… but I kind of feel that way when I get nervous about people going into the room where his urn is. I feel so exposed. Except you ladies, of course. When there were a few left at night during the BLM hangout weekend, I asked if everyone wanted to move in and hang out with Andrew. 🙂
So happy she’s not allergic to peanut butter! It’s only the very best thing ever!
Wish you lived in the states, too… in Chicago to be exact.
This is great news though, very happy (and a smidge jealous) for you. (Jealous as our house is being rented out after no offers, but we have good renters so I can’t complain much)
I think this is incredible. You are and will be such a valuable resource for bewildered and bereaved parents who have nowhere to turn. I’m so sorry that your journey put you in a situation to become a HELLP expert, but I love so much that you can honor Ava by telling her story.
Definitely incredible. I remember you hinting that this might be in your future, and it’s now solidified. I’m honored to be friends with someone so courageous, but I’m mostly thankful you are providing the voice and knowledge for other women who have or will undergo such a horrible experience.
For Ava indeed. What an incredible tribute to your firstborn baby girl.
Your words will be a voice of hope, encouragement, and knowledge for the women and families who will unfortunately find themselves in situations similar to yours.
I was physically nauseous when I read the “expired” comment. I’m dumbfounded that he couldn’t put it in a more compassionate way. I mean, he actually found a way to make the most painful statement of your life even more painful. I’m so sorry!
I don’t even have words. Only tears. I can’t even imagine having to fight to live while going through losing your sweet girl. You are a strong woman. I’m so happy you made it, and so heartbroken Ava did not.
So exciting! I hope this work of heart is all that you hope it will…a wonderful tribute to your sweet girl, a resource for others and generally a really cool thing.
Oh girlfriend. I do this all the time! This is technically my third pregnancy (past 7 weeks… then it would be 4…) and I can hardly remember which boy and now I have a third baby to throw in the mix. Talk about confusing.
I don’t have Andrew’s picture out on display. Not because he’s not damn beautiful, but because we’re private people and I prefer him being more sacred to me. But I don’t need to explain… you understand. We love, adore, acknowledge, and have pieces of him all over our home. He’s in photo albums in plain sight as well. But when I open them, or the flip album I made for Benjamin with all his family members in it, I’m always taken aback by his features. Really, was his nose that much smaller than Benjamin’s? They share the same lips… etc. But I forget. I forget a lot and it makes me so sad.
As if our guilt and grief weren’t enough. Our memory fails us just as our bodies did. :/
Had to add… the other day I was trying to figure out how long Benjamin was at birth because he’s grown to 32.5 inches. I wanted to find the difference to see what he’s grown in 18 months. Except, I couldn’t remember his birth stats. He and Andrew were mixed.
In some ways, I LOVED that. Andrew’s stats matter to me and like most parents of multiple children, mixing your kids and numbers/experiences up is the norm. We never get to do that in regular life and it sort of gave me a twinge of delight.
To echo what Brandy said – I have moments where I mix up the boys and the pregnancies and I LOVE it because it’s so very “normal mom” ish to do. But yes, sometimes these details just aren’t as crisp and it scares me. When my nephew was born last month and I sat with him for the first time – it hit me hard. It was like I was trying to will him to be Cale. I wanted to study his features and his weight and memorize it all again. But he wasn’t my Cale. I couldn’t get back that moment and I just wish I could – because I feel I need to re-learn him all over.
I don’t know that you forgot how perfect Ava was but rather seeing her little face again, you were taken aback yet again with her perfection. In the same way, we do not forget how delicious Lily and Bode are, but I really am taken aback multiple times every single day when I look at Bode’s face and see his gloriousness.
You don’t need a passport to fly to Halifax, so I am a little confused. But I learned a lesson… Take Ben to get his passport before he can move around on his own!
PS – just clicked “phone Germany from USA” not because I need to, but because maybe that will get you closer to a starbucks 🙂 If only I could join you for one!
Not sure how I missed this one, but Lordy. You know I know this all too well.
I was thinking the same… feeling stressed reading this and then thinking… wait… that’s a ticket to fly.
On a plane.
With a baby.
Who doesn’t want to be tied down.
We’re making two 4.5 hour plane trips in the next 1.5 months. That’s 18 hours of in-flight time. With a very mobile little person who is also very vocal and now hits.
I have struggled with this– not just her birthday but the kid-centric holidays like Halloween and Christmas. It is difficult and I wish I had an answer for you. I think I threw myself into party details as a way to cope, but I’ve had the opposite reaction, too–like last Halloween when I didn’t get her a costume at all and just put a pumpkin hat on her and called her a pumpkin. I do remember telling myself that I had all the time in the world to feel sad about Eliza and only one day to celebrate Caroline turning one. That didn’t make it easier, necessarily, but it did help me focus on how grateful I was and how much I wanted to share my happiness with Zuzu with my friends and family.
And yeah, mostly you’re a sobbing mess for a while and then you pull it together in time.
And DON’T worry about the details. Some people enjoy that stuff (or channel their grief into cutting out cardstock rainbows) and some people don’t. All anyone will remember from her party is how sweet Lily is.
I definitely was in the camp Brooke mentioned – where I literally spent months working on party prep for Finn because that’s just how my grief took me. Sure, I was excited about his birthday, but his birthday is SO close to Cale’s and so that time of year is hard. But I didn’t want it to be so I went a little crazy in party mode.
I remember talking to Renel about this. Of course, as you know, sweet Harlow couldn’t have cake for her first birthday and I LOVED Renel’s attitude – “fuck the cake, I’m just happy she gets to celebrate her birthday!”
I know you get that. And I know you still would like her to have something special. But special doesn’t have to be big. one little cupcake or cake, and a happy birthday song. She will be SO very celebrated by all of us for what an incredible year it has been and how thankful we are all that she is here.
My grief took me in the party-planning direction, too. I connected Andrew’s birthday with Benjamin’s so vividly that I wanted this to be the time I got to celebrate. And I wanted Andrew to be involved (baptism at our house on birthday like his brother’s).
But I definitely crashed a little post-party. It was almost too emotional… if that makes sense. I planned it all to be so, and I was emotionally drained and sad about so many things related to Andrew.
It’s not about the odds and ends, but I know I can’t tell you that. You want your children to be celebrated and yet it doesn’t feel quite right.
Why doesn’t it? Well, for so many reasons. Starting with how her older sister will not be present… didn’t have her own party…
I definitely feel this about Bode’s birthday (and other holidays too) and it is so hard to explain how overjoyed I am that he is here every single moment and how bittersweet the celebrations feel. And like you, I hate that Bode has a mama who feels bittersweet towards anything regarding him because he simply brings such joy into our lives just for being him.
Unlike the others, I have not gone the party planning route. Our tiny house is not made for entertaining and our friends are spread far and wide. We will spend Bode’s actual birthday just us. And our celebration with Kirk’s family is a combined party for the fall birthdays as Grandma is turning 60 three days prior and cousin and auntie are 10 and 30 a couple weeks later. I feel a little bad about not throwing an awesome bash, but the combined family party takes the pressure and focus off of us a little and that feels easier. My party goal is to make great desserts. 🙂 And we’ll celebrate with my family a week later during a trip to Oregon, also lowkey and combined with a nephew’s birthday and my grandparents 70th anniversary!
Whatever you do for Lil, Ava will be right there with you. Party or not, I know without a doubt that Lily and Bode (and Zuzu, Finn, Benjamin, and all the rainbows in our tribe) will always know how much they are loved and celebrated!
This is very exciting! I too get emails quite frequently from new mom’s who have lost babies to HELLP. It is great that you will have a book out there for them to find. And I really hope that it will make people and their doctors more aware of it.
(I can’t remember if I’ve commented on your blog before, I think I did maybe but then lost you in the blogger change, but I am friends with Brooke and she told me about your book. If you need any other stories or input, I would be more than happy to help.)
Melissa- you remember the email I sent out completely breaking down just prior to Harlow’s birthday wishing with every stitch and each detail that I had gotten to do something for Camille. Our party was very small. I sent out 7 invitations. Seriously. 3 families and 2 individuals came. Our party was to celebrate but for us it was intimate. Only those very close to us because I needed for us and her to be surrounded by people who loved her and knew our struggle and how thankful she was here regardless of that struggle. So yes I understand how you are feeling. That email I sent out was me as a total sobbbbing mess. We know you love Lillian with all your heart regardless of your decorations. It’s so hard because we wish we got this with our other daughter and we didn’t. I get it. I guess some of it is trying to make up for that other first birthday We didn’t get to throw. For us we also had to be extra creative because of our situation but… A baby feels loved when surrounded by those that love them. Get someone to take a photo of you kissing her on her birthday. It will tell a thousand love stories. Sending you a giant hug my friend.
I’m slowly working on getting Bee to sleep in and take a good afternoon nap. Though, I still go out in the morning and she just naps in the car for right now. But one day, one day we’ll be able to get together and not have naps in the way!
So blurry. You have such a unique (and horrific!) experience. I’m so glad people are asking you questions, you are speaking out, and writing a book!
Whatever you can remember, even a little, will help others.
I get asked that still… and I still have no answer for what I did. I remember what I did, but I’m not sure it’s accurate. Much like I still wake up shocked this is my life.
It’s alsmost like those few days/weeks are more composed of shock than grief. Obviously there is intense grief, but the shock of these horrific losses takes over initially. I did a lot of faking it, but I think that’s because the gravity of it all hadn’t fully digested in those first few days.
Melissa, this took my breath away. I just hadn’t thought fully enough about the extent of the physical trauma and scars after what you’ve endured. I am so glad to hear that you feel strong now, even as you acknowledge the ways your body reminds you daily of the agony you’ve been through.
I hate when people say we are strong for surviving, when it is much more about luck and medical/biological fact that we wake up and keep going each day. And still, I just want to say that I admire you for taking the risk of another pregnancy, for wanting another chance so badly that you went for it, even knowing what could happen.
Thank you for your response. I cannot understate enough how RUINED HELLP leaves a person. I am writing about it in detail right now and that is what spurred this entry. I remember being so weak my 4 pound netbook kicked my butt because I picked it up too quickly.
It was a risk. 10-15 percent chance of HELLP once again were the numbers we worked with. I had the same chance of rain on my wedding day (and it rained!) My ability to take a leap was simply for the fact I could not stay where we were one moment longer. It was either take the leap and risk my life OR run far away and change everything about our life. We figured the latter was always an option if our second chance didn’t work.
Oh mama. You just went through so much. I mean, yes, we all do to an extent – every mother who has carried a child has a forever changed body. But the surgeries and the drastic measures taken to save your life – it’s so much. I remember people commenting after we lost Cale that “you don’t even look like you had a baby!” They meant it as a compliment. It wasn’t. I wanted to look like I had a baby. I had zero appetite and grief just shed off the pounds for me. I didn’t do any of the work. So if I couldn’t have my baby, could I at least still have a physical reminder of him? Which I had for awhile (until this pregnancy actually) with the lina-negra. Did you get that with your girls? I had it with Cale and it didn’t go away before getting pregnant with Finn, then lasted well over a year after him and slowly started to fade which made me so sad. (also makes me wonder if this baby is a girl since it’s the first pregnancy I don’t have it?)
Anyway, not to ramble on about me. I can relate to an extent with how hard it is to want our bodies to change, but then to have a hard time when they do. And then I can’t relate at all because you just went through so much. And I, too, am just glad you survived.
I knew you’d been through so much I still don’t know about, but I had no idea you had experienced and continue to feel such acute physical pain. Emotional and physical pain together in one horrid little package that haunts you.
I know I tell you this a lot, but I think it’s so important you’re talking about this. For others to glean from your knowledge and daily struggles is invaluable to them. And I’m so happy I am learning from you.
You are brave…but I don’t care about the pounds…I still think Ava and Lil’s mama is one lovely individual with so much to offer.
With respect to you nd our different experiences (though ultimately the loss of both our children), I wanted to say that I couldn’t drive by the hospital for man months after Andrew died. It’s on a main thoroughfare in our town and one I use(d) all the time. I’d go out of my way avoiding it.
Benjamin was born in the same hospital as we chose to do…but I remember breaking down as we entered the hospital just before delivering Benjamin and reliving the moment I walked in just before hearing the words that my son was dead.
You are very brave.
I even struggle driving by (eyes on the road) the place we picked up Andrew’s ashes. Gah.
I can’t believe you’re cooking through a pack and move! You are my hero. Even I pack up the kitchen first. 😉
This whole busy and regimented routine thing… it happens around that age and never stops. Just what we’ve been through as my only understanding, but we MUST have a plan for each day, otherwise I want a cocktail by 3 p.m.
If you want my totally un-expert recommendation, I would consider having something on the calendar for each day of the week. It makes your day so much less mundane, and since she’s already on one nap, it should make it easier to plan these events. Even if these events mean “go to the mall” or whatever. Just to get out. Have it in writing, because the hardest thing for me personally as a SAHM is seeing a blank day. Makes me crazy, since I was such a busy, organized, and ambitious professional. I just can’t believe I have full days that might include staying home all day and looking forward to dinner!
I hear ya. You aren’t alone. On the grief front either.
That Keleen, she’s so wise 😉 in all seriousness though I am SO glad you felt it too! Such a heavy burden to carry, I know it’s not gone, but that it got even a little lighter is totally incredible.
Such a big day, happy birthday Lil from your favorite auntie in WA (right? I mean do I have any competition cause ill totally fight for that title)!
Love all the pictures, love the balloons behind her high hair (awesome touch), the rainbow theme and most of all I love that you can see grown up Lil in her baby face. Xoxo
Proud of you for letting go. Somewhere around a year, I did the same. Isn’t it incredible we got a whole year? Like, PLEASE give us more, but wow… did we really get that much time?
I agree with Julie. She won’t have to find you. She’s with you always.
I have many of those same thoughts… especially about the things we had to put away and staring at them for so long. That’s much of the reason why I hate our carseat. It was in the car before Andrew died and then he died and we had to rid our car of it. And eventually B got to use it, but I still hated the carseat itself. I’d buy a new one for this coming (hopefully!) baby, but I’m too cheap. I’ll probably just hope for those first 8+ months to go by fast and transition into a convertible seat and burn it to hell.
Ha. Agree with Brandy, I want a new seat…. But am too cheap.
I had a hard time moving. I didn’t want to escape my house. I still miss it. But we found out today we are moving back to Georia, where Cale (and Finn) were born, and that makes me feel a little closer, though he’s come with us. To Texas and everywhere. And always will. Literally and figuratively. But, it’s still hard, so I empathize. She’s with you mama. Rest assured.
We also love brick, but have never lived in/owned a brick home. Aluminum siding is still sexy, right? Hah.
I find it totally daunting (yet thrilling!) to make so many decisions. I’ve never had to decide much other than paint colors and positions of furniture. This would probably stress me out. I can’t wait to see your KITCHEN! You know me. Hah.
It’s so true the grief waits. It waits and it lurks. I’m sorry it’s been rough, but glad you got some time with her, some release.
And poor Charlie! Roscoe gets a little overwhelmed too on occasion – when Finn was born, miles family came out to visit and his sister had at the time two crazy children (now has three) and Roscoe broke out in hives from the constant noise and chaos!
Totally lurks. I’m not even going to pretend that pregnancy again is making the grief any easier. As if I’m not already an emotional wreck. Blegh.
I laughed at the cat comment. Totally not a cat person, but I grew up with hoards of them (my mom, the hoarder and rescuer) so I have lots of experience. 🙂
So sorry grief snuck up. I spent lots of time breaking down today. Dang.
I can’t decide which picture I love more! I LOVE her sheer joy as Dadda throws her in the air, love Ava’s tree, the love so clearly shown in her parents smiles. Swoon. I just love them all.
I want those nachos right now, too. I COULD eat the whole plate. With that homemade guac. Dude.
I think these are some of the best and most memorable date nights. <3
And I know I’m the only (gross) person out there, but I love cheap foods like ramen and quesadillas. Seriously love them! While I love a nice dinner out with wine and dessert, I’m also so happy with a takeout burrito (or homemade) and something as simple as nachos.
Cheers to you guys and all this! And big cheers to not having any obligations to fix in this house!
I sincerely suspect that she is. Just was we all are so proud of you. Glad 50 people will walk away able to better cope and help with another’s grief. Think if they just help one or two others along the way…. Well, you (and Ava) have done good, my friend.
It was an honour to share that space – I have so much love for you, Ava, Matthew and Lillian. You’re my inside my heart forever, a marked place on my journey. While it’s tragic we became friends under such circumstances, I thank Ava everyday for bringing you into my life. I am blessed to have you as my friend, as much as she is to have you as her mother. xo
I’m so glad you wrote all this. I could visualize you up there and feel just how important this was. Ava is impacting so many lives through her beautiful mama. I’m so happy to hear Matthew was there and that Ava was present giving you courage.
This is so amazing to read, Melissa. I admire the way you honor Ava by speaking for all of us who have lost our babies, and I’m so glad to hear that these women wanted to learn how to help people cope with this tragedy.
The one I love is a Presidents Choice (probably Canadian) and has peppermint candy came and chunks of dark chocolate. It is a staple in our house this time of year. I am almost glad you can’t buy it year round.
That particular tub of ice cream is celebrated every year when it hits store. By my brother especially. He does a huge count down and FB post when it finally hits the shelves. Loved it as a teen, and still love it now.
Kindred spirits for sure~ I frigging LOVE PC candy cane ice cream. Actually, almost all of their ice creams from their “shop” are gourmet and delicious. But I am trying not to be 1349425 lbs. ha. 🙂
So glad Charlie is home. And really not sure why your blog posts aren’t showing up on my feedly?
Love this. I like to think it was her there, in that room, too. Rooting for you to present your story, to present what should and should not be said.
And never doubt it has affected more than the 50 people in that room. Without a doubt each of those people has gone on to tell their co-workers and friends and some family too. So the 50 who have heard has multiplied fivefold at least.
And your cheap nights are basically my ideal nights. I love dinners out but I equally love sitting on the couch eating my dinner (I’m one of those) and slurping on pop from the fridge. lol 🙂
But all that aside… I have that same kid. From about the same age and still just as demanding. It’s totally exhausting. And I’m still that chick who is pregnant again (and terrified of having two children at home but MORE terrified of not…). I really am nervous how I will manage them both when some days Benjamin makes me wish I took up alcoholism.
But you know, it’s crazy with these babies. Some nights I’m practically counting the minutes (or daytime to naptime!) until bedtime. But by morning, I can’t wait to squeeze him… all the crazy baby, tantrums in public places, kicking his shoes off, and hitting nonstop. GOODNESS.
These kids. I love them and they drive me up the wall. You’re not alone. Not even a little bit.
Oh, and we DID make it to the market this morning after chasing him all over the house and dealing with a tantrum and screaming just to put on his coat.
Got to the market and he downright refused to be put anywhere in that cart. So I got to carry my 21-month old all through the market to get all my groceries at 7+ months pregnant.
Yep.
And then we went to a playhouse and I didn’t take his coat off because I didn’t want to deal with having to put it back on. Haha. So what if he was a little toasty.
12-18 months was hard for me. The tantrums and the inability to communicate – it’s tough. Finn took two naps until 18 months which some people find annoying, but I needed! (He did too hence the two – he self phased to one nap at 18 months) but good Lord, I needed the break from the terrorist.
And I second Brandy about sometimes thinking alcoholics are really on to something!
Before I even read the caption I thought “digger!” Can’t wait to show Finn in the morning! Twenty bucks says he will ask to watch a “digger bideo” after 🙂
Congrats on the ground breaking. Where can I get one of those ADORABLE winter babies? She is too cute!
I’m very excited about this kitchen! I absolutely love our deep drawers and hope you love your new ones, too. You WILL find random toys in them… just a forewarning. Not like I don’t smile everytime I see a LEGO piece in there. 🙂
Love the crown molding and how you chose cabinets to the ceiling. So nice and bonus… no dust collection area! This is going to be a beautiful kitchen.
I appreciated your design, but I usually don’t get around to reading blog posts until the kiddo is sleeping… and I commented on both…and now this!
I totally know what you mean, though. When I write DIY posts, they almost never get comments. But Brooke is apparently the next YHL because hers are always flooded with love. I see my place in the world is not in design blogging. Hahah.
I almost never comment, but I’m awake unable to sleep and you are here so here is my love. I love you no makeup playing I’m the dirt, your kitchen will always come in second. Haha I do however, appreciate all your hard work!
I don’t know if you had a chance to check out Andrew’s digs (gawd), but we ordered from Etsy and absolutely LOVE the urn we chose. These are created by an artist and Etsy has quite a few that are not so dead looking… more alive and actually beautiful. I love that ours was handcrafted and not cranked out of a warehouse. I love the artist’s little signature on the outside and the overall beauty. It beats the crap out of the stupid mini heart we chose at the funeral home 3 days after he died that he didn’t fully fit in– requiring we’d have that white box with his name oddly placed and typed in typewriter font.
We have had the same condo about keeping Jack’s ashes with us. I can’t bare to let them go. We’ve spoken in length about the time at which either I or Scott passes away, buying an enormous urn, where the first of us parents to die will lay at the bottom, then Jack’s ashes on top until the last of us goes. Then burying it so Grace and her siblings don’t have to deal with it.
That comes off as so morbid, but you know what I mean, right? It makes me feel better to know he’s not alone… Not that that’s easier necessarily given all cremation entails, but still.
We are the same as Laura in that if one if us were to die young, Cale would be placed with that parent. We want like a headstone so there’s a family plot but we will be cremated like Cale. For now, his urn resides on the dresser in our bedroom. When he died we didn’t know what to do but knew that Georgia wasn’t ” home” so he wouldn’t stay there. Being in an urn gave us the time to figure out that for how, he just needs to be home with us.
We actually ordered a “keepsake” urn which is a small version of one that’s for an adult. I didn’t like and if the kid ones the funeral home had and sadly it’s not like a baby takes up much space so the keepsake worked out just fine. But, it is more boy-ish in my opinion.
Glad you guys came to a comfortable (for now) decision on what’s right for you and for Ava.
Everyone always comments on how “serious” Bode is in public. It took facetime for my SIL to see how goofy he is at home with just us.
Kirk has found interesting things about introverts on reddit that describe well how it takes energy to be in public and extroverts gain energy from others.
It is so important for me that people see babies as their own people for Bode’s sake but more because I need for Bear and Ava to be recognized as their own people.
We also found Bear’s box on etsy and it is a little wooden heart box that we both love. His ashes fit perfectly and it feels so nice to hold. We also talk about when one of us dies, we would want our ashes put with Bear’s. xoxo
Oh, those goodies would’ve been gone STAT at my house. I hosted a tea party for friends 1.5 weeks ago and had cookies coming out of my ears at the end. I proceeded to finish off ALL of them (boxes!) in a week. Yeah…
I know the space is small for now, but you’re so close to having your dream home!
February is coming and I’m thinking of your sweet Ava. I know you guys will find ways to remember her at Christmas. I love that candle setup Molly has at the dinner table. Makes me think about getting one for Andrew.
That is a beautiful tree! I don’t think I have ever seen ribbon placed lengthwise like that! If we had an inch of space left on our monstrosity of a tree I would steal the idea! Love Ava’s ornament.
I don’t think Andrew is an angel either. I don’t refer to him as one and don’t really care for those that do… but I guess it’s more of a symbol of peace that I am okay with. It’s such a beautiful ornament and represents calm and love and peace… maybe? I like to consider that anyway.
Glad you’re getting traditions in (and even better with Ava and Lil’s grandparents!). I wish my parents were closer to do such things. In fact, I’d forego a tree altogether (happily) if they were close and we could just decorate theirs.
I think Matt deserves an award. From the little time I’ve spent with him, I really liked him. And to be such a great father and husband AND build a kitchen? I mean…
I laughed at your favorite purchase. Hah. Sound machine. The little things that truly make quality of life even better.
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I went from numb to sobbing and back and forth. It all just sucks without them doesn’t it?! With Ava’s birthday coming, I expect that bite on the ass is coming soon. Ugh.
I love the picture of Lil and the bell on Ava’s tree. If only she was playing with Ava instead of her tree. Ps Mason and Lil are cut from the same cloth…faster, higher, more…we’re screwed 😉
I was fairly numb, as you know. It doesn’t help that I just wished Andrew a “happy birthday” in heaven like we’ve been doing now far too long… but then being pregnant and scared.
Oh, hooray for that house countdown. Bring. it. Other things with countdowns can suck. it.
Yeah, Benjamin had sleep regression, but luckily it doesn’t last long. I wish your beautiful Lil lots of sleepy, calm nights in the future. For your sake. 🙂
wow. i do wonder what that woman’s story was. but in a way it is nice to think that even 50 yrs from now, i will still feel the pain of losing Julius. my fear is that i might forget…
you write so beautifully. though i wish this post was all about the spirited little girl Ava would have been instead of how you will get through her birthday without her.
I freaking LOVE the big dining room fixture but they are all gorgeous. That’s a daunting task to choose them all at once, though sometimes I think decisions are easier when you don’t have too much time to second guess yourself. Nicely done.
I agree with Brooke. It’s sometimes easier when it’s done quick. We saw our house (and 6 others) and put in an offer that day. No turning back. And we love it.
Being from Cali, I’m totally amazed (even in my own backyard in Chicago!) that they build in the winter. Seems so much slower, but considering these photos, they are doing an excellent job! So excited for you guys. How many days now? I feel like you need to update with a number on these posts so we can get excited with you and cheer you on with only being in a small place for a certain number of days more. 🙂
Beautiful. I love love love the dining room fixture. 🙂
We haven’t changed out the lights in our house- they’re fine as is (for now). The ones that are bothering me the most are the “boob” lights in the hallways- I hate them. I actually started looking for alternatives online since I would want to replace them all at once. We will see! 🙂
Can’t wait to see this gorgeous house when it’s all done. Two months seems totally soon (however the next month seems like a long stretch! lol)
Hah. I love Caroline. I think it’s great to own it. Let’s be real… life doesn’t always work out perfectly and dates might shift, but I am hopeful for you guys. And that date correlating to Ava’s due date? Butterflies.
Ah, the chicken pox vaccine. We also vaccinate (same reason… hello babyloss).
I vividly remember my mom infecting me by making me stay close to my brother who caught chicken pox just so I would get it and be done with it. Isn’t it crazy how times change?
We had the delayed fever after MMR. It sucked. I try to also remind myself that fever is the body’s natural way to fight crud but wow, it is so hard not to worry ourselves crazy. I’m glad your Opa helped you this time.
Ya know I kinda am annoyed that vaccines are such a hot topic and somewhat political. I just don’t understand how, when we live in a polio free society, people can not vaccinate their children.
Anyway, I’m glad she’s doing better. Miles is always of the “swear it out” mindset. It always kinda baffles me and seems counterintuitive, but ya know what – it always gets rid of his fever quickly when he does get one (which is rare) and he’s a very healthy guy. I always wash everything he touches when he’s all nasty and sweating on everything – seriously he puts a beanie, sweatshirt, sweatpants, pulls his hood up over the beanie and wraps in a blanket. Looks like an idiot but it seems to work! Go figure.
I really feel like the people who express the need to “have faith”, don’t say these things as if they’re letting go after years and years of desperate needing and worry. I feel it’s just the way they were raised, and in turn, feel like all things will work out, and no major tragedies or life changing instances will cross their children’s path (either?). I don’t feel they were rocking themselves in the corner of their child’s room, up with worry that for some reason their child would be taken from them by death. And if they were, it was an abstract fear that dissolved as their child continued to live and grow.
My parenting can be – most days – completely saturated by my need for Theo to just keep living. When I have help at night from Daniel’s mother… I still wake on the hour and check the camera to make sure he’s breathing. I still ask her to turn on the angelcare even though she’s in the same room. I am still afraid that he will stop breathing, and the amount of apologizing and assuming everything would always be ok from the party present at his time of death will haunt me forever. I should have been there. Yes, I need sleep. But I need my child to outlive me, more. … And to think of such a reality is twisted, and seared in grief. I’m sorry Theo.
I hope with time and my own “good faith”, my desperate need for him will melt together with my love.. and not be felt as overbearing or suffocating.
All this being said, I think you’re a wonderful mother to Lillian.
I have these same worries about my fears conflicting with Zuzu’s independence as she gets older. It’s scary to know we can’t control the circumstances that happen when they aren’t with us–although we also know first hand that we can’t really control the circumstances that happen when they ARE with us. No advice here–just fighting the good fight with you.
We’ve been having discussions about how my fear and worry could negatively impact the girls. I know I need to dial it back a bit, but I just can’t help it. I’m terrified something may happen to them. Like you, a fever sends me into a fear frenzy of irrational thoughts and actions. I hope that my love for them overshadows my crazy fears, and it’s the good that they take from me.
Yep. Same thing here. Not that you’d be surprised all us BLMs literally feel the aching NEED to have these children. Benjamin saved me from dying while alive. I swear. While it’s nice having Claire and she’s done a lot for my healing (and nearly adding another loss… so conflicted), Benjamin saved me. In a way that cannot be described. Andrew is still a sore piece of my heart and longing, but Benjamin brought me out of my own grave to exist and love again.
Ditto everything Brandy said. Canada is totally magical.
And I agree that I often want to go back to my grief. To be close and personal with it again. I’m not sure what my grief habits are. Hmm. I love a good post that gets me thinking (in a good way) about grief and Cale. thanks for doing that.
You didn’t do anything to cause her to die. Things like this just happen sometimes. It sucks and we all look for answers. Blaming ourselves is par for the course. But in the end there aren’t always answers, except that it’s not your fault and you didn’t do anything wrong.
Trust me, I understand the guilt. I have so much guilt about things I could or shouldn’t have done. And I also feel like I failed as a mother to protect my child. But we were both loving, excited moms doing everything we knew best for our babies. Sometimes horrible things just happen despite our best efforts. Vit D levels are often inaccurate and it is poorly absorbed with supplements. I have not seen the research and maybe Vit D plays a role in HELLP, but it certainly cannot cause such major systemic issues. Be kind to yourself. xoxo
Oh sweet mama. Of course you feel guilt, but that’s a testament for how fiercely you love Ava and how much you’ll always want her here. You did nothing wrong. You did nothing wrong. You did nothing wrong.
I took no vit D. Just prenatals. Why didn’t I get HELLP? It’s a crap shoot. Why do some babies have cords around their neck that get compressed and they die (Cale) and some have them around their neck and they live? (Finn).
These things are mind boggling. Think of all the moms who did take vit D religiously and still lost their babies?
Hoping you don’t beat yourself up too much. I know that’s hypocritical of me to say, and hard to do. xo
Welcome to the blogging world. There are plenty of us oversharing (hah) and grieving online. Talking about babies who deserve to be talked about that we miss and love so much.
Thank you so much! I have followed you quietly for some time now. I cried tears of joy the day you announced B was born. It is stories like yours that have given my husband and I hope.
We have a Charlie too! Though he is black and white and meows. Don’t let Stephen know you have a Beagle, he may mysteriously make his way to our house one day. I think pets are some of the best kinds of therapy there is. Charlie and Milo are what got us through our toughest days. The love of an animal is the best. Fur babies rock!
Stephen is welcome to come over and play with Charlie if he likes!
What a deal! Please dish on how he managed that one!? Glad you’ve been relaxing. Sweets are essential for a BLM pregnancy.
I hope blogging brings you some relief – I know it has for me. I, too, lurked for months before starting to write.
Little Beta is an adorable pregnancy name 🙂
Sanity from little things and also through sheer will, I think.
He found a coupon on the inside of a Quaker Oat box for a two for one ticket for Cineplex Odeon (local theaters in Canada.) Ordering the tickets online, he found out he could use Paypal to pay for it…and he had a bunch of money from Christmas (5% back on purchases) so he applied that to the ticket price. Voila! 0.87 for a movie night for two.
He LOVES a good deal.
This is really heart-breaking. I’m so sorry for the loss of your sweet Ava.
I will never fully understand what you and Matt have been going through. I still see joy and happiness in you Melissa, even if you struggle to feel it day-to-day. I have read these entries multiple times today and am mourning the loss of Ava with you this evening. xx
Thank you Liz! Thank you so much.
I just read your whole story and I am shocked. I just can’t believe what you went through in fighting for your life. And to not even hold your sweet Ava because you were in a coma? I’m just so sorry. So thankful you are alive but so devastated your girl is not.
Thank you so much for your kind words. This last section was, by far, the most difficult to write. I knew it would be. I am working on the fourth and final installment which will detail my recovery and some of her memorial.
Ava and I’s stories are so intertwined, that I cannot tell her story without telling what happened to me. I am hoping the final installment will be able to show more of our girl.
Thank you for reading and taking the time to know our girl.
How beautiful. I had not even half the logic to consider something so beautiful after Andrew died. I wanted to be swallowed by the universe. And you… you went through so much personally and that tree is just a beautiful symbol. I love that people brought something to bury.
This just leaves me speechless. And scared that you came so close to losing your life along with Ava’s. I’m so incredibly sorry that you had to endure all of this.
Your husband sounds like an amazing partner and father.
And what a beautiful memorial you chose for Ava – I’m looking forward to seeing more photos of her tree in different seasons.
She knows that she is loved. Of that I am certain.
Oh, these days happen, and they can be so ugly sometimes 🙁 Take care of yourself.
It is comforting to know these days pass, and that it is a normal part of missing our kids.
Good story, Melissa. You’re tough as nails and you always do best for those around you (or inside you!).
the best* (?)
Must have been at the superstore! I recognized the onesie. I was there they other day and bought the bee one (we plan on nicknaming our next one bee)As hard as it may be, I think it’s a sign of hope, something to hold onto. Something specifically for that baby. I know when we find out were pregnant again, I am going to go out and get a few things for that baby. No matter how short it’s life may be (and yes I am going in fully expecting another loss because after two it’s what you do) I want something specifically for each of our children and I think your step today was great for you and Beta. Now he/she has something specifically for them.
You may also get to a point where you can’t avoid the baby section, where you feel you need to buy things for your angel and future children. Where it is so inviting to go and wonder and dream, try to feel that hope that carrying a child brings (which is nearly impossible after a loss) but it is possible.
Thank you Liz!
Thanks Jess. It is a process, that is for sure. I admire how you continue to honour your boys.
I got chills when reading this because I did the same thing yesterday (maybe at the same time?). I was at a home store, buying lawn chair cushions, and there was a book–“The Night You Were Born”–and suddenly it was in my cart. I almost put it back–it felt like tempting fate. I brought it home and shoved it in the closet. But, damn, I hope I’m pulling it out again soon.
I think hope seeps in despite our pain and learned skepticism. I, too, put my purchase away. I know, from reading your blog for some time, that you do not wish to prepare. I completely understand, we both know what it feels like to come home to a house filled with baby stuff and no baby. I hope both of us get to pull our purchases out soon!
I’ve been there—that little step is a huge step.
Beautiful post. I love the idea of grief feeling like the day after a storm. Pregnancy after loss is so difficult. Thinking of you.
The ocean is important to me and I love these images. Sending hope and strength to you as you grieve a baby and grow another. It is exhausting, challenging, loving work.
I understood this line so well: “I must birth this baby in the ocean of grief, I must find a way to calm and control the chaotic, for both of us.” This was a really beautiful piece and I’m so glad you shared. xoxo
So wonderful!! Wanted to reach out and say this to you. I have been walking the same road-less-traveled as you are for 6 months now. Congratulations on your pregnancy. Wishing you a stress-free phase this time at least (u so deserve it)and to all BLM’s who are carrying their rainbow babies.
Thinking of you where you are right now – I love the way your words capture the turbulence and also the beauty of that place that is pregnancy after a loss – all that love and grief and fear and hope. Thank you for sharing this.
I’m glad that you sense that hint of reprieve in the air and that you can hear your soul once again. Such a perfect description of grief, the roaring waves, a storm. I’m so sorry for the loss of your sweet daughter, Ava.
I hope that you find yourself walking in the sand with this new little one, squirming and sun sweet. And Ava will be there too, carried by her mama always x
I am in a similar position as you are. I am glad I have stumbled upon your blog from Angie’s blog. It’s link ups such as these that allow us to find each other and to feel less alone.
Standing in the grief storm, protecting a new baby is a perfect analogy.
I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter Ava.
I am speechless at the outpouring of support I have received from each of you. Thank you. Most sincerely. For reading our story and connecting with me here. I look forward to the new connections Angie has helped us form.
I have felt such a strong connection to the ocean since losing my daughter. One of the only times I dreamt of my dead daughter, I was in the ocean, searching for her. This post really spoke to me. It was hauntingly beautiful.
Thinking of you as you carry Ava’s sibling.
xo
So beautiful. Thank you. It captures something so ethereal about this journey. Your post is full of love and hope. Thank you for sharing right where you are.
You have reminded me powerfully of how I felt Freddie’s atoms in everything for so long to start with. I seem to have lost that now and I miss it. It would be worth finding again. Thank you. I shall go looking for him in the world again I think.
This post is amazing. Thank you for sharing your beautiful words. You have a gift of writing. I could relate so much to what you said about Ava.
Much love and hugs,
Hannah Rose
What an amazing step from a brave, amazing momma!
Just beautiful.
Beautifully written. I am so sorry for your loss. I will be praying for this current pregnancy <3
I read somewhere that salt water cures everything–in the form of sweat, tears, or the ocean. I’m struck, too, by the similarities between our timelines in terms of loss and subsequent pregnancy. Wishing you the very best as you miss Ava and cherish this pregnancy.
Brooke,
I found your blog about 3 months after Ava had passed and it was a blessing. I was so grateful to have found another Mama out there whom was on a similar journey in time. I cheered (and made Matt come read your post) when you posted about Deuce. It gave us hope. I am glad our writing allows us to connect in this way.
I am so thankful that you have amazing people helping to take care of yours and your baby’s physical health and also your heart. I think the emotional piece is so very important. We are relying on these people to keep you both safe and it makes me so happy to hear about what you experienced today.
I’m so sorry about your little girl. Thinking about you and Ava, and the little Rainbow you have been blessed with. Your story gives me so much hope.
I’m so thankful that you have L as well! After all you’ve been through in the hospital with Ava and nearly losing your own life– I can imagine some anxiety will be always associated.
It is always there, you are right. It is all in how I manage it. The little things make a big difference to me, it takes a team of people to help in the recovery from a trauma like ours.
*Like*
What beautiful imagery. So gorgeously crafted.
“Grateful for what she has taught me, grateful she blessed me with the title ‘Mama,’ grateful to have held her within me for 34 weeks and grateful for what she has not taught me yet. I carry her with me, each day, as I promised I would.”
I held my breath at this. It just settled in my heart.
Thinking of you and Ava’s little sibling.
Remembering Ava too. ♥
It sounds like a tremendously painful, difficult, yet beautiful day. Ava’s tree is beautiful.
What an eloquent description of the ebbs and flows of grief. This reads likea prose poem and it is so haunting. I, too, feel a connection to the ocean (well, it’s sea near me). It’s where I feel my daughter closest to me – especially when it is rough and turbulent and bleak.
Wishing you and Ava’s sibling calm waters.
So beautiful. Light and love to you.
My Dear Friend, I just read your whole blog. It is so beautifully, honestly and respectfuly written. We are so inspired by your strength and resilliance. Thank you for keeping us close during this heart-breaking journey. We are always here for you. We love you, Matt, Ava and Beta more than words x
Beautiful imagery here, beautiful writing. I get so much of this. We lost our daughter just after you did and we just had our subsequent son. I understand the fear and uncertainty and birthing in the midst of the “ocean of grief.”
Peace and gentleness to you as you approach 34 weeks and then the birth. I really, really hope everything turns out.
Thank you B. Your words mean the world to us. I am glad you enjoyed the blog.xoxo
Thank you so much Josh. I have read your posts and admired your ability to put grief into words, video and art for some time. I am humbled by your well wishes, being a fellow HELLP survivor you know what a risk it is we face. Thank you.
Love times a billion!
Yay! Very happy 🙂 Hope everything checked out normal at the big US, too.
Yeah, I totally understand this (as you know). I want a plan this time insofar as we know who goes with whom in various emergency situations, but I cringe when I think of our plan last time around – low lights and a birth tub and attention paid to my “experience” – oh, right and of course a living healthy baby, isn’t that a given? Ha.
You are not the only one who cringes at their innocence. I agree in having it be part of the plan as to whom goes where in the case of an emergency.
I feel the same way. I meditated and planned and researched a birth plan the first time and it all fell to pieces around me, leaving me feeling so incredibly foolish for thinking I had any control at all.
But I actually sat down and did a birth plan over the weekend. Not because I WANTED to, but because I don’t want to make decisions for the Deuce based out of my own fear rather than what’s best for the baby. Honestly, it was easier than I thought it would be, although I added the caveat at the top of the page in bold: “Our number one concern is a healthy baby, no matter what.” I mean, I guess that should go without saying. But for me, it just couldn’t. I couldn’t say “I’d like to have the option to walk around during labor” as though I thought a live baby was a given.
Whatever you decide to do, don’t stress about it too much. We know that things don’t go according to plan, but I also found that just writing out my “best case scenario” wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be. In a way, it helped me differentiate the Deuce from Eliza. I am not invested in my plan the way I was before (I don’t care if we change course completely) but I do feel like things will be a bit easier now that I have some idea of what I’ve asked for and what I can expect.
All we really want, though, is a happy ending this time.
I really like your approach that in completing a plan it is a way to ensure decisions are not based out of your own fear. That appeals to me. I will be thinking of that as I go forward with this.
I have not written out a “best case scenario” but I can see how it would help differentiate the births. You have given me a lot to think about.
My birth plan was and remained to birth a live child and bring it home. I completely understand.
We no longer live in the world in which babies are all born alive and it’s frightening to think we might get every bit of our hope and plan to come true the next time.
So true!
I’m not to a point of discussing birth plans or lack thereof, but I would be totally honest with your caregivers that “ideal” has been blown to pieces. I hope they are as understanding as possible about the facts and your state of mind in order to make everything go as well as possible. And obviously a healthy, live baby and mama are the goals…whatever it takes to get there!
With Jacob I created a 5 page death plan (we knew he would most likely pass away) and thankfully my OB did not make us go to the, I don’t even know what they call it now, that meeting where you meet the nurse to discuss it, something like pre-birth meeting…anywho, our OB also mentioned next time we do not have to deal with that crazy crap again because the nurses who deal with those meetings would not even begin to understand our birth plan. My birth plan for next time, get the baby out alive at any possibly costs (hopefully not my life) and DON’T tinker around with “normal birth plan” crap because that stuff doesn’t fly after a loss. We will not be creating a birth plan next time and will play it by ear rather, it’s more realistic that way.
The beauty of the ocean…that’s it right there. It’s terrible and powerful and beautiful, just like this experience. Wishing you much peace and strength through the rest of your pregnancy. I am hoping hard that your little one arrives safely.
When we had Jacob we have 4 birth plans, two for if he lives and two for if he died. In each they included if her lived and was fine or if he lived and needed NICU, the deaths were if he died right away or if he needed the NICU. There is an incredible amount of information that needs to be considered and when it comes down to it, we know things change by the second and the birth plan goes out the window.
They do treat it like life is guaranteed but we know it isn’t so how do you plan for that? I’d talk to your doctor and see what he is thinking and go from there, if you opt for a c-section or natural you can go ahead and plan from there and have a backup plan or 10. There is no easy way to go about it knowing it will most likely change in some way. I can send you the one we have for Jacob if you would like to see how extensive it is……just message me on fb if you would.
I wrote a birth plan for when my son was born, but quite honestly no one ever looked at it. And back then, I had never experienced loss – once my baby was safely in my arms I never thought for one second that he wouldn’t be coming home with me. I spent months articulating a perfect birth plan – I had an innocence that I no longer have now. I can’t imagine having to write a birth plan again, just like you said – there’s too many ifs and buts. Do you have someone who can help you to write it out? A midwife or someone like that to guide you through it? x
I had a birth plan with Lily when I was still that naive girl who thought babies were always born alive. It was simple, but it said that I wanted an epidural and I wanted all the newborn procedures to be done.
With little C, I just had one plan: I wanted both her and me alive. That was it. I knew all too well that plans can go horribly wrong. Thankfully, my OB knew our history and didn’t push us to make a more detailed plan.
“L educated me on the choices we have to make very thoroughly and with kindness.”
— That’s what I was hoping to hear. Glad you’ve found someone to help you 🙂
Happy Anniversary for tomorrow! xx
I know what you mean about not being able to make decisions. I can’t even work out what to make for dinner any more, let alone anything actually significant.
Hopefully your doctor can help you make some of those decisions? It does seem like too much to put all on you – as we all know now, things can be taken completely out of our hands. We haven’t tried again for a second baby yet, but I can’t imagine coming up with a birth plan, other than “Alive and home with me.” Thinking of you.
Good for you for asking for the information and space you need and refusing to make “decisions” for someone else’s convenience.
and Happy Anniversary! That’s so sweet about the mini wedding cake surprise. A good husband and marriage through loss – I thank my lucky stars for those things every day. Have you seen this article?
http://stillstandingmag.com/2012/06/til-death-do-us-part/
I did the EXACT same thing. I literally would pour out the pills from the bottle and count them almost weekly– as to hope some of the miraculously shaved off more days of my pregnancy or something. Even more wild? I took them while ttc and while pregnant up until my day of delivery (that I didn’t know would be my delivery date) and if I’d made it to my induction date, I would’ve had the exact amount I needed to finish off the pregnancy. Crazy. Except I went early and have 6 pills waiting for me for… next time.
Glad to know we’re all neurotic. 😉
I love it! Pregnancy after loss is a psychological endurance test. I will take any little tricks I can use to keep me moving forward positively. 124 more pills!
The tree is beautiful. And I am madly in love with Charlie.
Thanks Brooke! He is hilarious. I will probably introduce Simon our cat shortly to the blog as well.
This makes me smile because it’s totally something I would do, but I didn’t do it. I didn’t let myself think that far ahead. I guess I didn’t want to acknowledge the end goal in sight. I just wanted to blindly take pills until *surprise* it was my due date! Or something crazy like that. Anyway, my jaw dropped when my doc told me at 36 weeks to stop taking the baby aspirin. I actually miss it because it made me feel like I was doing something proactive every day! I also can’t quite believe we’ve made it this far.
“which is good because I am the sort of girl that considers him mowing the lawn for us romantic” – Hahaha, that made me chuckle! Same here. It sounds like you had a lovely day though. Congratulations on your wedding anniversary x
I think it’s safe to say that mowing the grass IS romantic. First comment took the words from my mouth!
It’s official!
I agree. Mowing the lawn (or cleaning in general) is totally romantic. I’d take that over flowers any day. 🙂
The cake looks delicious (from someone who had a very large salted caramel chocolate at 9 a.m. for breakfast). Cake totally tastes better at times where it’s not normal to eat cake. And your dinner plans and ordering in? Totally something I’d have preferred as well.
Congratulations on 5 years. That sounds monumental!
Hello Melissa- I found you through finding my new normal blog. She just gave birth to frostina and I’m thrilled for her! I saw you were pregnant with your rainbow baby girl and I am also pregnant with our rainbow baby girl. I am a month ahead of you. Our daughter Camille died at 38 weeks almost a year ago. Her birthday is coming up on June 30th and its a really hard time for me. I need to read more of your blog but I anted to say hello. This journey we are on is so hard. Happy anniversary to you and I will read through your blog.
Nice to meet you Renel, though very sorry it is under the circumstances. I am glad you are enjoying my blog. I am new to blogging but enjoying it so far. I hope we are able to keep in touch through it.
Oh birthdays. I will be thinking of you and your sweet Camille going forward. The only way I got through Ava’s first birthday was by being away, far far away. Just having a plan for it helped.
I think that is one hell of a way to spend an anniversary! Your relationship has always been an example to me of what love really is.
Keep kicking, little person. 🙂
What a beautiful friend and, my goodness, what a thoughtful idea! I absolutely love it!
Wow, an amazing friend and an inspired idea. That’s wonderful.
Wow is right. That is so lovely, so perfect, so kind. There are times in my journey that I’ve been struck with how clueless people can be, but there have been so many more times that I have been overwhelmed with kindness, often by the most unexpected people. I am so glad that you have a Jane.
Oh my goodness he’s beautiful! Very regal 🙂
I am in love with Simon! What a gorgeous boy.
I love all of this post.
I was also quite the hostess. And I’ve only started that up again, but I’ll be honest in saying that it hasn’t come easy and it isn’t as welcomed. I actually like when people leave. And I get nervous they won’t want to be near Andrew’s urn. It’s all very pathetic.
I love that story and the beautiful picture in the bathroom that you only renovated because you had nothing else to do and couldn’t “flee the scene” of your lives. Elliot and I still talk about wanting to leave it all and run. To just go and explore and sell everything we own– even with Andrew’s brother now here. What you lose changes you forever. And when that thing you lose is a real person, a child no less, you really are different beings. I’ve always valued travel and experiences more than things. It couldn’t be more true now that Andrew is gone than ever. Love and experiences. But I guess when we have to live in the reality of loss and finances, we’ll have to settle on renovating bathrooms.
I am so glad you said that you were nervous about people wanting to be near Andrew’s urn. We have a beautiful photo of Ava over top of our mantle. It is in my favourite space in the house. Yet I see each persons face when they notice it…I see their emotion, their avoidance, how it makes them feel be it good or bad. It rips me in half.
We really are different beings after loss. Loosing Ava has made me value the people in my life a great deal more…as well as the experiences we have. Even if it does mean we have to settle for renovating bathrooms.
Reading (I read the Hunger Games series and a few classics I had always intended to), TV (the Tudors, Project Runway, How I Met Your Mother, and 30 Rock – all from Netflix), embroidery (surprisingly easy to just pick up a book of basic stitches from the library and make cute little household things on felt, like coasters and little toys). That’s mainly how I passed my restricted activity time…and lots of sleep 🙂
New here – beautiful post. Just love the story you shared about your trip to NY.
We have a sketch of my son up on the mantle and when new people come to the house I get a weird feeling when they DON’T say something or ask – are they ignoring it? Do they not realize its my dead son? Does it make them uncomfortable? Maybe it’s none of these things but I can’t help but read into it.
Thank you for reading my blog! I always read into people’s reactions as well. It makes me sad that Ava is an elephant in the room at moments like that, when I really want to celebrate her.
What an awesome friend – love this. A love shower if you will – and what a cute invite!
I went for icecream with fellow BLMs … A lot. 🙂
I’ve never had to pass time like that but I would try sewing or cross stitch like SG suggested. I know of these sweet no-sew blankets you can make with fleece and you tie them together. They’re nice as a throw on the couch or for the baby, or a niece of nephew. If you’re interested I can e-mail you the instructions.
I am going to make a couple for Ruben and Jacob for Thanksgiving.
It would involve a little cutting and general floor time, but it’s all I got hun!! 🙂
Blogging, knitting, sewing, Netflix (watched some shows from my childhood)I napped a lot as well, I must have went through the clothes and reorganized them a thousand times. Thankfully this time I have Pinterest so I plan on getting a bunch of projects done from on there.
There is something really cathartic about letting yourself have those intense moments. I think that’s a big reason why I didn’t want any help sorting through Eliza’s things. I knew it would be a huge tear-fest (at least at first) and I just needed that time to miss her intensely and not try to be cheerful or brave about it. I hope that as time goes on we can have those moments of connection that are easier and maybe even have happy tears instead of just sadness.
Somehow you put the car in drive again…wow doesn’t that sum things up? Glad you had this moment to connect even if it involved a lot of pain. Hope you and Beta have some stress relief in sight <3
Oh my Gosh, I’m glad he’s okay. You are so good with him, poor little guy – he’s had it tough over the past few months.
Hope you sleep better tonight, Melissa.
Oh, poor puppy! Man, I love that your vet has after hours support. We’ve managed to avoid major health issues with our dogs (it’s more likely that I overreact and the vet is like “Meh, your dog’s fine.”) but it’s so sad to think of them not being able to communicate! Glad your guy is ok. Hope you all sleep better tonight!
Gosh, so heavy.
I completely understand the idea of a “wish list”, as a plan seems too precarious.
I read a lot, ate lots of ice cream (but not with BLMs, boo!), and caught up on nonsense television and a lot of it.
Oh so stressful. Grow little Beta grow! Almost to the third trimester 🙂
I’m sorry you are tired but glad you have all the care you may need just in case. The 20 week stint I think is so hard because there is so muchsit and wait time. Too early for baby to cone but so long until she is here. Now that I have started my 3rd trimester I angering not to be in countdown mode because iris still so far for me too. I am sending positive thoughts to you and hope baby Beta just keeps kicking.
I often felt so conflicted about all the proactive things we did for the Deuce–desperately grateful that we were doing all this monitoring, and devastatingly sad that we hadn’t done it for Eliza and that we’d never know if it could have made a difference.
I’ll want to write more about this when I have time to process it, but I want to tell you that after going through the traumatizing experience of Eliza’s birth (although I don’t think my experience was actually as traumatic as yours in terms of the health care professionals), I was definitely holding on to a lot of fear and anxiety even while I was in labor with Caroline. I expected that, of course, but what I didn’t expect is how much Caroline’s birth was a healing experience for me. Not like “fixed!” obviously, but just like it helped heal a gaping wound. I hope that can offer you a little bit of hope, although I know how precarious things feel at 23 weeks. Hang in there, baby Beta!
Thank you Brooke. There aren’t many more words I can say than that, thank you. You give me hope that healing can come from wee Beta and that I am not alone in my struggle to reconcile Ava and Beta’s stories.
I am loving your pictures! What a perfect way to spend Canada Day.
I have lake cabin envy – it looks just wonderful 🙂
Thank you!
Love the belly shot, and I totally want to invite myself on vacation with you at the Cottage.
More the merrier! Glad you liked the belly shot.
I sent you a private message via facebook with my thoughts on this matter.
Glad you had a nice weekend up north. Wish we had made that trip once when we lived there. Long drive tho!
I’m going with skip the gym and eat ice cream!
Doesn’t look too bad to me! Though, I wouldn’t boast about Detroit… actually, I’d rather avoid it!
You know… you can buy Chicago deep dish and have it sent over. Of course it might cost the equivalent to your mortgage payment for a month… but there are possibilities! 🙂
Enjoy your mini-vacation!! We also stuck close and did just a weekend vacation in Long Beach while I was pregnant with Ginny, instead of a more elaborate trip (with Elizabeth, it was a trip to the Caribbean…never even considered going that far from my OB this time) – but even a little trip is fun, isn’t it?
Hah. Your house adventures sound a lot like ours. My husband and I both said that we wished we didn’t own a house last night to one another. There’s always something. We feel even more amped to fix all the little things because B was born, and that’s expensive, time consuming, and frustrating!
We had raccoon issues on our roof when we moved in and have since replaced our roof and fixed our chimney and tore apart our basement and refinished our deck and stripped wallpaper and and and. So many things. We’re about to spend another chunk this week dealing with radon and oh yeah… those stupid foxes. :/
My husband went to Germany for a week (three weeks is crazy!) when I was pregnant with B and it wasn’t a fun week for me either! Husbands just aren’t allowed to leave town when we’re pregnant– especially after losing our first babies.
I agree! Husbands are not allowed to leave town when we’re pregnant. Overnight trips about the max I can handle at the moment; at least having the roof taken care of it is one less thing to go wrong.
We too have done significant work to the house. I am pretty handy, all things considered, that said I am ready for the house to take a back seat to Beta for a while.
It all looks beautiful! 🙂
Thank you Mama Bear!
Can’t wait to see pictures. You know I love that pink tree! Reminds me of Eliza’s tree as well. And Behr Oyster is the color of my dining room so we both must have great taste. 🙂
I’m glad you’re able to make a space for Beta. Our tiny bungalow is a two bedroom and so far Caro still doesn’t have her own decorated room (guest room in use by my mom and dad) but I am so looking forward to fixing it up for her!
Great minds must think alike! I love the colour. We are fairly certain we are having a little girl but I wanted a neutral regardless. I am enjoying finding the right pieces one by one. I look forward to seeing Caro’s room as you put it together.
Good thing your roof has been replaced. Now Mr. Raccoon won’t be able to make noise in your attic every night. As we all know, they may be cute, but they are certainly very capable of damaging your property. If you want, you can fortify the openings of your home where he might be able to enter. That way, you keep your house safe from intruders, furry or not.
Beautiful Melissa! As soon as I saw that tree decal I thought of Ava. Thank you so much for sharing.
Thank you Amy!
I think the fact that you had a good day yesterday means that it was worth it. Between hormones and the physical strain of pregnancy, you are bound to have good days and bad days (and happy days and sad days) no matter what you do. It is hard to know your limits. I went back and forth between needing distractions and wanting to see people, to wanting to hole up at home and hide from the world until the baby arrived. Just be easy on yourself. Like you said, this part is temporary.
Thank you Brooke! I think you are right, if I feel good while out and about that should be the focus. Grief still surprises me… how you can pay for the good days. This too shall pass!
Pregnancy. Gah. So terribly hard. Say no as often as you must. This could very well be the hardest thing you’ve ever done– at least carrying B was for me.
I told a good friend we couldn’t host him at our house flying from 2,000 miles away, so I totally understand. It’s all-consuming. Problem is, no one will ever understand because this is a unique and unfortunate situation we’re dealt (pregnancy in general as a BLM).
Just keep breathing and tread water. I’m just so glad you had a semblance of normalcy for a change.
The moment of normalcy felt wonderful. So refreshing.
You are right, no one can ever understand the situation we BLM’s are in. I am so glad I have this forum to share what we are going through.
Life is exhausting right now and that is hard to explain to people. Others kind of get that pregnancy can be hard, but they do not understand the emotional exhaustion of everyday life that comes from grief.
I feel so selfish at times and that makes me sad, but I also feel good about doing whatever it is that my husband, growing baby and I need at any given time. I feel like since it has been over a year since Bear died, I should be in a more stable place, but my couselor and other BLMs remind me that I am normal and that I am still in the midst of enormous grief (and a stressful pregnancy!) and that helps to continue doing whatever is best for us.
That sounds like a really fun day. We are a total baseball family…I’m missing my son’s t-ball game right now because I have to rest…I know he is dissapointed and said he understood when I tried to explain, but saying no, as you know, is difficult and makes us seem loke total downers.
I hope you are feeling rested.
I will never get to the day in my pregnancy when Camille died. I will be induced before than. I hope that 34+7 days will be a relief somehow. I remember thinking with this pregnancy about milestones. Will I misscarry, whil the anatomy scan go well, Okay now baby is viable but it just seems like trading one anxiety for another. HOPING for a positive outcome. So glad to hear things are going well. I have found it gets more difficult the farther along I get. SIGH
Congrats on 26w1- a great milestone.
I remember when viability meant everything to me… BAH.
Ps. I love this song. 🙂
That song has become Beta’s song to us. Music can help the dark moments.
As a NICU nurse and the mother of a baby who died at 39+1, I know all too well that viability can be bs. But as the mother of another little who is currently still on the inside and 25 weeks, I can also say that I feel just a little better than I did one week ago…the little milestones DO make a difference! So much hope!!
Lovely! I appreciated how you let yourself change your mind about how to prepare over the course of being pregnant. That was really important for me, too – to go with what I needed to do at the different stages.
Grow, little Beta, grow! <3
I was also saying “no” to people and invitations constantly while pregnant with Ginny. It is exhausting and self-preservation is important, but of course sometimes distractions are good. Hard to strike a balance…as you know. I just kept telling myself, “the goal is for us to survive this pregnancy. Survival, not enjoyment.” Sometimes lowering the bar helps, you know? And it was totally worth it in the end, of course 🙂
Yay for little milestones and good news on test results!
Sorry not to have been commenting much – it’s so hard on the phone with the security question…but I’m on the computer today so you get to hear a bunch from me 🙂
It is okay SG. I know you are busy with Ginny. I am glad whenever I can hear from you as I you and I are quite similar in how we handle pregnancy after loss.
I did not feel much of a relief when I hit viability. In fact, I almost felt more anxious–like now it was entirely up to me to be vigilant and make sure this baby was ok. But I DID feel some relief when we passed 34+3. It seemed to confirm that my two pregnancies were not the same, and while it will always break my heart that my body seems to have mysteriously failed Eliza while growing a second baby perfectly fine, I welcomed the reassurance that, in all likelihood, the Deuce would be okay. Wishing the same for you, and hoping the weeks pass quickly until Beta is here.
I love this!! Looks yummy! xoxo
Kate
Yes, the water comment got me big time! I was so tired of drinking gallons of water… but oh wait, it doesn’t end! Breastfeeding makes you a thirsty beast, it turns out!
My drinks: plain water, La Croix (no artificial sweeteners and no sugar), and water with {enter fruit or veggie: lemon, cucumber, lime, whatever is on sale).
I love fruit in my water because it makes me feel like I’m at the spa. Bonus, I drink more! 🙂
I was talking about this in counseling the other day and how my losses will affect my parenting in future children and I don’t know if it will make it worse or better or be a bit of both. Only time can tell how it will shape our rainbow babies. It is something I do worry and think about a lot though.
Yes, I have worried about this, too. I’m not convinced my grief has made me a better person or parent. And I know, too, that Caro will wonder how her life would be different if Eliza were here. But bereaved does not mean broken. And so we do the best we can.
Beautiful! So much love!
Wow! how beautiful. I am amazed by all the love and support you have gotten!.
What a beautiful afternoon. Thank you for sharing the beautiful pictures and for showing us that sometimes our friends and family can really get it right, even though we often more examples of when they get it entirely wrong! I hope you had a lovely, relaxing day. Sending you best wishes for the challenging days ahead.
Kip was right. Little animals like raccoons, birds, and squirrels can make holes on your roof and leave animal droppings that might cause health problems for you and your family. The best thing to do in that situation is to regularly check your roof for these little critters. If there are any, take immediate action and drive them away to prevent them from damaging your roof
Dear Melissa,
Just a fellow Ontario-er (um, Torontonian actually) reading along. I was at the game on July 14 with the fam. In the 200 level behind the third base line. Maybe our butts shared the same seats a day apart 🙂
I wanted to let you know I’m thinking of you while you make you way through these last weeks of your pregnancy. I think you’re doing great.
I love bruschetta. It’s only usually made in our house when the same occurs (stale bread or an excess of tomatoes needing to be eaten).
Anxiety cooking? I’m sure you can remember pretty much all my posts during B’s pregnancy. Hah.
We have so much in common. 10ish weeks left. C’mon time.
I have often thought of how much you and I have in common, Brandy. We deal with stress similarly that is for sure! Thank you for entertaining my anxiety filled self, I will need the support through the next 10 ish weeks.
Yup, the best thing to do when anxious, cook and bake! I’ve made so many things this weekend as we prepare for our ever so critical appointment on the 14th. I can only imagine how much more I can possibly bake this week, I probably could have my own bake sale. Thinking about you often as you get closer to the critical part in your pregnancy.
I can’t believe you’re almost 30 weeks. All the food sounds delicious and if that’s what it takes to ease anxiety – keep baking. I really wish I lived nearby! OK, maybe for more than just food but Ill be thinking of you this week. Enjoy time with Matt!
I have a nice strawberry shortcake recipe if you’re looking for a dessert.
Your anxiety cooking was my anxiety reading. I read 3-4 novels a week the last weeks of my pregnancy. Thinking of you. And wanting bruschetta.
My gosh.
A thousand pounds heavier at heart, indeed. I’m so sorry there are physical scars, too.
Physical scars seem right, somehow. Permanent marks of sacrifice and loss.
The bruise looks awful. I would have fainted.
ohhh gas emitting carpet. I thought the same thing about our carpet when I was pregnant with Andrew. Then he died and I figured it was safe enough by the time Benjamin rolled around because it was so. damn. long. of a wait and surely all was fine by then.
My friend who went through years and years of infertility and IVFs and IUIs and miscarriages and hell welcomed her twins into the world last October. I remember her telling me while they were in-utero that if she could just get them here, she’d practically let them juggle knives. It was her uterus that was most destructive.
Just get that baby here. Let’s worry about gas-emitting carpets later. I’m pretty sure if you just open your windows often that those gases should find their way out soon enough.
I grew up in Los Angeles and I’m turning 30 in a matter of weeks. The smog didn’t kill me. 🙂
I just pulled into the parking lot at my massage therapists when I saw I had a message. Your comment made me laugh so hard I had to stop from snickering through my entire massage. I couldn’t agree with your friend more, if this little girl arrives safe I may practically let her juggle knives, where she is right now is the most dangerous.
I have the windows open in the gas infested room (well the entire house, it’s gorgeous here) and will not be putting any cloth materials into the room for a few weeks.
You do the best you can with what you have!
Thanks for the laugh!
I was just thinking today (on my way taking Milo to the vet) if anything happened to my Milo (my first baby) I would be a wreck. It would not be pretty. I’d lose my mind if anything happened to him. Even just knowing he has an ear infection makes me want to stay home and cuddle with him because he’s not feeling well!
Glad he didn’t get out and you can now know he is safely indoors.
Thanks Jess. Thinking of you tonight and tomorrow.
I think all your questions are totally valid. I would want them answered before I bothered with the 3 hour long glucose test. One of my friends failed the 1 hour test and instead of taking the 3, asked if she could just “assume” she had GD (although she really didn’t think she did) and just adjust her diet and monitor her blood sugar. Her MFM was fine with that. Sorry your Tuesday was so exhausting. May the next few weeks pass quickly and peacefully!
That is exactly what I am thinking of doing! I woke up this morning and printed off pages of GD diet info. I am now looking at getting a meter and will simply start monitoring. I cannot see why this secondary test is necessary. I am capable of monitoring myself and can adjust my diet. I too, do not think I do, but why not just monitor if that is what they want?
Thanks for validating that I am not crazy for not just accepting this.
I’m just sorry. I don’t have anything but that to give. It frustrates me that you’ve been through so much and it seems like you’re being given the run-around.
Godspeed.
Thanks Brandy! I am finding my feet once more, it helps to have the support of the other BLM’s.
Agreed, make the assumption and change your diet as a precaution… do the test LATER.
Thinking of you!
Mr. Raccoon definitely had a good time living on your roof. But sad to say, he has to go as he has done enough damage on the roof already. Good thing you were able to spot this problem early on and got a roof replacement. Animals living on the roof can cause a lot of damage to the structure. Apart from the fact that their noise will give you sleepless nights, these creatures can cause awful roof damage.
Just reading more of your blog and about your little Ava. I’m so sorry of course for all that you’ve been through already. And so sorry for all the frustration and worry that you are going though now. Will be holding you all in my heart during this tough time.
PS – Ava has always been one of my favorite names – so simple, yet so elegant and graceful.
Thank you! We had several names chosen for her, but Ava means “little bird” and to us, she was this beautiful bird that fluttered in and out of our life all too soon. The second I saw her she was Ava.
I am sick reading this. The comment from the MFM specialist is so unprofessional and disgusting it makes me hurt so much for you – that you ever had to hear those horrible words. Hearing “you baby has passed” or “there is no hearbeat” is hard enough – but “expired” what a fucking idiot. I’m so, so very sorry.
You are the first person, Caroline, to pick that up. That line was by far the most soul destroying, disgusting, gut wrenching thing anyone has ever uttered to me. I did not post it on my blog but I did have a conversation with him when I was out of the coma to discuss that children are not DAIRY PRODUCTS and cannot EXPIRE. Sickening.
This is so beautiful – and by the picture on the top right of your blog, I can see that it is growing and blooming just beautifully. I hope it brings you much peace. You left a comment on my blog on what should have been my son’s 2nd birthday and said you were going to take a moment with Cale while you were at Ava’s tree. That meant a lot to me, and I just want to thank you. And thank Ava – for leaving a beautiful reminder of a beautiful life.
Thank you Caroline! I actually received the email alert of this message while standing at Ava’s tree. It seemed too appropriate. So I took a moment and sent some love to Cale and Ava together. The tree is growing well, I should take some new photos and put them on the blog.
She could be! And what a much deserved celebratory Thanksgiving it will be.
You are so brave. To think of going through Andrew’s clothes when he died. I can’t even. There are still clothes I can’t put B in because without a shadow of a doubt, we bought those clothes on days with SUCH JOY and excitement and I just can’t “wear” that. Despite knowing my boys would share clothes anyway if they were both alive (which makes wearing the other clothes easier), there’s definitely at least one outfit I simply can’t bear to let anyone wear. I just can’t.
So proud of you for being so positive. 🙂
When Ava died we had baby things all over our house from the shower a couple days before. Matt took every baby item and shoved it into the tiny, tiny nursery. It was complete chaos.
It took me a month to open the door and look at her room.
It took me another month to decide I wanted to clear it out, so just the crib, chair and change table remained so I could sit in there and be with her in my own way.
I cleaned out all her possessions alone. I did it all by myself. Breaking down, screaming the house down, ear piercing screams of agony. It was cathartic and what I needed to do. It was exhausting but in the end I had a space to grieve her that felt like it was just her and I.
I agree. Some clothes of hers I will not be ever able to use with Beta. There is a onesie, somewhere in that clean pile of laundry in front of me, that is a brown and white onesie with the words “I Love Mommy” written on it. I found it in our room 2 days after coming home from the hospital. When I found it that day, I went ballistic. I tried to put my hand through the wall, I almost ripped out my staples, I lost all control. Poor Matt had to subdue me, it was awful. Somethings I just can’t do.
I had the chance to snuggle (aka hold her while she fussed) with a friends’ 7 week old this evening and thought of Beta’s first visit with Aunty Liz….Shooo much shnuggling!
Glad you found your way back on top from that horrible day this week. You’re one strong lady. x
Hmm, traps can play a factor, but it is also one of the more dangerous things to do. Raccoons are dangerous, especially in your case, with a 20-month-old pregnant raccoon. Good thing you were able to replace the roof – something that will be unpenetratable for those silly and smart raccoons.
[Nelson Mcglaughlin]
I think he does and that is beautiful.
Wow! What a dog! He’s a keeper. 😉
I am sorry you have to take the test. After everything you have been through though, this test is miniscule. A hassle really. You have rocked bigger things than this. Bring someone whose shoulder you can borrow, close your eyes and breathe deeply. When it is done you’ll be 1 step closer. Wish I could take it for you. You know I would, in a heartbeat. Sending hugs and healing vibes your way.
Unfortunately I have to go alone, no one to go with me. I have dealt with bad nausea before so hopefully I can work my way through it. I have my phone, Ipod, and e reader to keep me company. Thank you for the love! We appreciate and need it 🙂
Those things will all help! When I took it I felt fine by the last blood draw so hopefully any discomfort will be short-lived. I’ll be thinking about you.
Oh my goodness. Love this, love beagles, love Charlie.
glad that’s done and a monkey off your back. Sorry for the mama guilt, but you are doing what you should be for you and that little one. Hope the weekend is better
I only get excited about seeing BLM nurseries, for the record. I won’t even tour (I politely decline or change the subject) nurseries for other babies. Truth. I’m a jerk. But whatever. It’s like the air is different in their nurseries. Smug. Ignorant.
All that to say… I can’t wait!
Thank you! I agree, touring non BLM murseries is difficult. This nursery is as much for me and my potential grief for my second born as it is for Beta. Our innocence as been lost.
Looking forward to share it with you!
I’ve been thinking about this post and intending to comment for a while now…at several points while I was pregnant with Ginny I broke down crying over this very issue. How could I offer myself up as her mother when I felt like such a broken person? Two months into mothering her though, I feel none of those emotions anymore. We are wonderful parents, extra patient and caring and appreciative of this chance, beyond what we would have been before. It’s not all bad. It’s not all good either – I hate that Ginny will learn about her sister in the abstract and deal with loss like that so young… But I guess my point is that we may be broken and bereaved but still have so much and even more to offer our living children. I hope you find the same as I have. 🙂
Thank you so much for sharing! I received a lot of comfort in your words. I love the line “We may be broken and bereaved but sill have so much and even more to offer our living children.” Beautiful. I, too, hope that I will find the same! Thank you!
The love of a good dog is one of the greatest gifts in the whole wide world. Awesome job Charlie!
Beautiful. I wanted to read all your blogging before looking at the pictures so I knew exactly where your heart was; I can only imagine what it all means to you. It looks lovely, Melissa. Skip ahead a month or so and I also pray there’s a blog with a picture of you and Beta in that recliner. xoxo
ps. I want the snuggle with charlie.
Can you believe that is the old dingy office? I still can’t believe it!
Must brighten up the end of the hall. Would love a piccy of the basement arrangement 🙂
It looks beautiful. I especially love the sisters’ trees together!
Her nursery is beautiful and perfect. Her and Ava’s trees together – that made me tear up. Thank you so much for sharing.
I want to see a before picture!
Desperately hoping a baby will be exploring that beautiful nursery very soon. I truly love that the tree is there… what a tribute to Ava.
It’s so lovely! Perfect for Beta.
Now that I think about it…I’m not sure I ever fully entered that room. Probably because of all the stuff! It was ugly! You know what, your house may have been uglier than mine. But, High Five for high gloss paint!!!!!!!! We’re equal there 😉
Oh! This house was uglier than yours my dear. I could send you photos that would send chills down your spine. People just forget because of all the work we have done. Lime green counter tops, the upstairs bath tub, fire engine red carpet, stained carpets, downstairs panelling *shudders.
Just lovely. I love the tree. Love that she has her own space and hope above all else she gets to use it soon. Good job momma.
Ps – Charlie … Love him too!
Glad you had a good hospital day and spoke with someone kind… Makes such a difference to a “normal” person but even more so to a Mom who has already been through so, so much.
Thank you for the close-ups! That’s a ton of work you’ve done to that room. Remind me when we finally a buy a house to consult you on our decor! So glad to hear of a good hospital day. Now to try to decipher the numbers/letters that allow me to make this post…
Seriously. 2 tries every time
The room looks absolutely perfect. You and Matt have put so much work into that house 🙂 I’m surprised that Simon wasn’t sitting on top of the change table to make sure that everything was in order!
You truly deserve this room. xoxo C.
Send Matt the Community Cooking classes at the grocery store. Darn, Just missed his birthday. Fab present idea!
Work it, girl! I laugh at all of that, because we’re all just so different. I cooked while pregnant just because it gave me something to do that would make me forget I was pregnant. But not really because I thought we would starve. 😉 If it makes you feel any better, I would prefer to juggle while cooking than to eat my husband’s cooking every night.
It’s a good man who will put your toenail polish on. I will admit, Brian cut my toenails for me when I was pregnant. I’m not sure I would have done the same for him!
Well done Matt. Well done.
He’s a keeper! Very sweet.
Good news, indeed. How many weeks are you?
Good news! Happy to hear it
Oh I am clearly way behind on everything, but…yay for this good news!
I also researched and found the perfect stroller when I was pregnant with Bear (oh, and the perfect diapers, perfect bedding, perfect everything!) It has now been sitting in my basement for a year and a half. I hope we both get to use them soon!! 🙂
I never researched things with Ty, did some with Jacob but this one…I have been reading tons of things on the best products just to make sure Bee has the best, top of the line, best for baby (that we can afford) products out there. Never in a million years would I imagine standing in two different stores for 30 minutes reading ingredients lists and smelling baby products to see what one is the most eco friendly for baby. At least I decided on a carrier, the colour is another story but it’s like how do you prepare to have these things, to buy them when your so afraid they won’t get used. To have them in your house (and most of mine have just collected dust) and look at then like they are a curse, that because we have them it will cause our babies to die. I pray for nothing more then for your stroller to be used by Beta and perhaps come spring time I can join you and beta for a walk with my stroller that is sitting in the closet.
We didn’t care when B was born, either. My own OB said she’d prefer we chose a different date than the leap year for induction. We laughed. Rain or shine, Christmas or Thanksgiving… get this baby out alive and healthy. The date is really trivial. Really, really, really trivial.
Hoping your safe arrival of Beta is soon and smoother than expected.
Four more weeks.
I remember retreating as well around that time. You’re so close, but it’s almost like walking on needles. The fear of discussion, wishing, hoping, talking about Beta means it might not happen. That’s how I felt about B. I ignored phonecalls and interaction because I was tired of having no news to report. I wanted to report I was holding a live baby, not the same story of appointments and ultrasounds and NSTs and freaking out.
Four weeks. We’re abiding with you.
So glad you are putting your needs (and those your little family) first. Take in the love, let Beta absorb it, quiet and peaceful.
Good stuff. I was telling my Mom this evening how you’re doing just fine. She’s thinking of you often waiting to hear Beta has arrived.
Yes give yourself that calm by all means. We also withdrew in the final month and survived and conserved our energy (physical and emotional). Your little family comes first and the rest of the world will deal 🙂
I really don’t think so. I hope…but dont think so.
My goal is to one day listen to friends and passers-by complain about all they HAVE, and somehow not let it stir my soul with sorrow for what I dont. Again…it’s a goal. I’m no where near that longed for reality.
I’m glad you felt your girls, and had that very special time with them.
I’m following along. Hot on your timeline. (I hope you don’t mind)
I do not mind in the least! Company means you do not feel quite so isolated as a BLM.
How WILL she manage? Honestly.
People are smug and I think I hate them. I’ve got all kinds of issues related to losing Andrew, and learning to hate people more? As if I needed help with that! Gah.
I couldn’t agree more. I was sceptical and a cynic before Ava died. After Ava died, it is even worse. Matt is the same, he finds watching “the happy people” (as he calls it) incredibly difficult. It is so much easier to be bitter now. I can usually keep it in check but yesterday was RIDICULOUS. It was one of those moments where I could have just disappeared into my anger for a while.
I’ll never forget a friend telling me when I was pregnant with Caro that another pregnant friend was really in for it because going from 1 to 2 kids is SO MUCH HARDER than going from 0 to 1. I just stared at her for a moment and then said, “Well. Sounds like a good problem to have.” I think she realized she’d put her foot in her mouth. I didn’t want to make her feel bad, really, (she’s been very sweet and supportive) but SERIOUSLY why would she say that to me? If only.
Oh gross! What a awful moment! Why on earth would she say that to you? If only indeed. I have maintained through our journey that the most difficult things of having your child die are related to the people that surround you and the things they say. The things people say have caused me significant pain. If only you could have both your girls, and I could have both of mine.
I have a friend – a very good one – who regularly mentions to me how hard it is to have two children. I can’t understand how she could allow herself to do this and I try so hard not to hold it against her, because I value our long friendship, but…People are just so, so oblivious. I’m sorry for your hurt, for what you’ve lost with Ava’s death, for what she’s lost.
Love, love, love! A heart swelling, happyness-inducing post.
So Happy to hear things are going well.
Come on time, don’t slow down now.
You’re doing great!
SO glad all is going well. I’m glad you were able to introduce your mom to your daughter. This time.
So glad you had a good hospital day! I hope that you have only good ones from here on out! Ditto what Amy said 🙂
no, we never do escape it. 🙁 I am lucky to have one living kid now and I hear people talking (complaining) about their kids or their deliveries and I just want to scream “MUST BE NICE TO ONLY GIVE BIRTH TO LIVING BABIES!”
Like Brandy, I have all kinds of issues related to our loss of our son. Working on not hating people for their good fortune is one of them. And I shouldn’t say “hating” but it’s a constant battle not to be bitterly jealous.
lots of love to you as you anxiously await your second girl while missing your first.
When we were there the other day there was a girl who was pregnant (you could tell the apple did not fall far from her dads tree) and she kept going out for smoke and talking about being at the methadone clinic…what it took for me not to slap the crap put of her!
You’re doing it. Beta is thriving and you’re doing it.
With you all the way and excited for Beta’s upcoming birthday.
Thank you Brandy! Your support this pregnancy has been wonderful.
Oh goodness, full speed ahead!
I’m happy to hear everything is still smooth sailing. I’ll be following along, waiting for this very loved babe’s arrival.
You’re doing great mama!
I was wondering how you’d be feeling on this day. Bittersweet I’m sure to be moving forward. Missing your Ava of course, but thankful for each more day with Beta.
I felt like (and sometimes still do) that is the only reason people read my blog or checked stuff on facebook – not out of a genuine concern, but rather to just know what is happening in our life. I had purged my facebook friends for that reason. My husband lost his brother 8 months after we lost Cale and when a bunch of people “friended” me on facebook when he was killed, I declined. Like they just wanted to be friends with the people who have tragedy strike.
I hope that however many days/weeks you have left, they are peaceful and hopeful. Lots of loving thoughts sent your way
I know what you mean. I love that Eliza has connected me to others… But I hate that so many people only know what’s going on in our lives because my daughter died.
I remember the relief and new anxiety of passing my own 34 week mark. Lots of love to you in the coming days. I can’t wait to meet Beta.
*35 week victory dance* Dancing until she’s born.
I would have died if a tech said that to me. I found out my baby died during an ultrasound, so I would have lost my s%*t if she had said that. Kudos to you for hanging in there! 3 more weeks… wow you are so close!
I too, found out Ava died in an ultrasound. Yesterday was an unreal moment. Thank you for the support, it means a great deal to me.
Wuhhh?
That made me so weak in the knees just reading that! Mostly because the words of medical professionals and technicians are SO weighted to us.
I wish they wouldn’t do that.
35 weeks. Three weeks. Weeeeeeeee!
I know! I think if I had not been lying down I may have passed out! I am so thankful for our Dr who happens to be very competent and laid back enough to help us roll with the punches.
You know I love posts about food! 🙂
I’m quite impressed with your skills! There’s always the crockpot, too. Hah. Or the Wilson default, frozen pizza. You’d think with my culinary snootiness that I wouldn’t eat them frozen, but I sure will!
Those are so lovely! Your hair looks awesome, also. 🙂
You look serene and beautiful!
~Cava
Lol, you and I buy, (and freeze) the same brand of light rye bread!
Happy cooking Melissa.
I have my freezer packed with zip lock freezer bags…chicken gumbo….beef stew…meat sauce,… And a few ready to cook already assembled lasagnas. I did a few cook-store-freeze marathons in February when expecting my babe….and haven’t dropped the habit since!
Gives you such a relaxed, accomplished feeling at the of the night knowing that WEEKS of food is ready to go, homemade and preservative free at your finger tips, no? 🙂 !
Holy smokes – those are great and the setting is just incredibly beautiful! Looks like something out of a Monet painting. How fitting that Ava’s tree is in such a place of beauty.
Glad you got those done. You look great!
Do they not realize they should preface all such statements with “it is normal” FIRST – like, “this is normal and your baby is FINE, but. . .” Good grief – sorry for the heart stopping moment – glad it was fleeting.
Love them, love them, love them! I am so glad that you did this.
A friend came to visit Friday and brought me spaghetti squash from her garden. I’ve never tried it before!
Awesome 🙂
so close indeed. hoping for such happy, SCREAMING, news soon.
(What is the plan? Are you getting induced at a certain point? Is there a countdown) GO BETA!
Relieved to hear you guys are going well… Especially you’re soon to be on the other side of your belly bundle. Things sound good. And you guys give me hope that it CAN all work out the next go around.
Sending love,
Keep us posted (if you’re up for it!)
I felt so much better on the days David was with me. Go Beta!
It’s a good thing he’s so cute huh?
I’m starting to stalk your blog more and more. And this made me laugh. These sassy animals. Never a dull moment egh?
After we lost Cale, I was sitting on my front porch with my mom and our dog Roscoe was running around in a hyper frenzy. She just smiled and said “I’m so glad you have him.” Because in happy times and in sad times, sometimes they are just a wonderful distraction.
(And of course sometimes they are just a pain-in-the-ass distraction)
I couldn’t agree more Caroline! I do not know how I would have survived without Charlie and Simon after Ava died. That said, there are moments where they are a real pain. Luckily we got up this morning and he appears to be feeling a bit better. Here is hoping we can keep this little girl healthy and happy where she is until he is mended.
In a very twisted way this is Simon’s way of letting you know just how much he cares. Cats get these problems when they are stressed. Of course it would be nicer if they just brought us a dead mouse or something…. Gotta love the kitties!
The part about you guys spending the day saying “Where is he? Is he squatting?” makes me laugh. Ah, the life of a pet owner. I’d guess that a kitty with a UTI will make a newborn seem easy. At least she’ll be peeing (mostly) in diapers.
Thinking of you as the days go by. 36+ is a GOOD place to be.
I had the same freak out. My MFM went over the way aspirin stays in your system and the risks if continuing because I was so worked up. It was like crossing the finish line too early or something. But it means you are so close!
How weird. I was on baby aspirin from the moment we started ttc until the day I delivered. There was never a talk of the aspirin needing to be out of my system. I wasn’t going in for a scheduled section, so maybe there is a difference?
I was so hoping you’d be having Beta sooner! I can’t wait. I’m so anxious right there with you.
Wow, 2 weeks! Can you even wrap your head around that!?!
I’m hoping, praying, good vibing all the way with you guys.
Wishing you guys a very restful wait.
I felt so sad and angry in the days leading up to Caroline’s birth. A lot of my grief resurfaced and felt so fresh in those final weeks. It was difficult and I felt frustrated and a little guilty for being so sad. I hope you have the same experience post-Beta as I had once she was born–unadulterated joy. More than I had ever expected. Many moments are bittersweet, but those were pure sweetness.
I’m right there with you, trying to wait patiently and not be overwhelmed by the massive anxiety at the end of this pregnancy. We’ve been listening to the new Mumford and Sons album (song “I will wait”) and working on making it through each day. Hoping and praying for happy news very soon!
Oh my…if she’s healthy, and ready before 39 rolls around, so be it! Just get her here, in her best state, in her best health.
I’m feeling earlier though – based on your experiences. Go Beta! We’re all waiting with loving arms.
I love your frequent posts. Glad to hear everything is going well.
P.s, I really don’t like doctors these days…and I almost love when they’re wrong about the simple things (when the outcome is still good mind you)
That “raw” paragraph is so honest and perfectly written. I had the same answers. I didn’t want to find anything else to do or “enjoy” that time. I wanted to have a baby like I should’ve long, long before.
Thrilled this pregnancy is almost over and so completely hopeful a little Beta will be home soon.
Wow! Go beta 🙂
I was on LDA and my Doctor recommended phasing it out early too – because Finn was breech and flipped at the end, but if he needed a C-Section they wanted me off of it. And Finn is a crazy, happy 15 month old now.
We know WAY too much – you are right. But what I had to keep reminding myself was that we know too much of the SMALL statistics and of the slim chances of things – the norm, the norm is for the vast majority of babies to be happy and screaming and pink when born! Praying you are in the norm so very soon.
Oh man Melissa, I’d say try less is more…but I know at this point there’s nothing stopping you!
At 38 weeks with Alexander, I started cleaning, washing everything, organizing things that were already organized…then, one day, ate some smoked salmon that really turned my stomach, and was throwing up OUT OF NO WHERE. In turn, I threw my back out, and was a beached whale for about 5 straight days.
I guess what I’m trying to say is… If you don’t stop yourself, it’s possible something else will stop you FOR you!
Take it easy – if that’s even humanly possible at this point.
I’ll jump on the “I can’t stand doctors” train any time. I’ve heard “normal” “average risk” “nothing to worry about” too many times…and I’m not even out of the first trimester. Ugh.
You’re so close. Sending my love
It seems Mr. Raccoon found a comfortable spot on your roof! Though he seemingly had a wonderful stay on your roof, he severely damaged it, which is the problem with critters staying on your roof. It’s a good thing you discovered where he lived on your roof. Otherwise, he could have invited other raccoons, and they would have multiplied! Well, if you don’t want Mr. Raccoon coming back and nestling in your roof again, I suggest you patch up all the holes on your roof, and schedule a regular inspection to check if you have uninvited guests up there!
Lakisha Autin
Great post Melissa.
My list was similar to yours. My husband was a life saver. I went on a lot of walks. Honestly, it now all feels kind of like a blur. Like I don’t really know how we got there – we just did. Somehow.
Grief does make you honest, but I’m thankful for that.
Might I also suggest treating yourself to a pedicure. With one of your core friends. And pick a place where they don’t speak much English. It limits the questions 🙂
Honestly, I don’t think there is a real answer for me personally other then, I cope because I have to cope, I have no other choice. It’s like when people ask us how we make it through the grief of losing a child, we do it because we have to. We do it for our babies.
What a blessing.
I don’t know you ”IRL” but I follow your blog… I’ve been hoping and praying, even remembering your sweet Ava, among (far too many) others, when I lit a candle in honor of my baby sister last night. How perfect! Congratulations! Wishing you all a peaceful, joyful recovery!
Oh my god, Melissa – happy day!!!
I have been thinking about you, and I just had this feeling yesterday that you gave birth. It just hit me.
I’m so happy to hear she’s here, and healthy.
October 15th. What a glorious day. Such a tribute to her sister. Forever remembering. I thought of Ava. There are so baby A’s that I’ve come to know along this journey.
Can’t wait to see updates, and pictures.
Love to your new family of 4.
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WONDERFUL NEWS!! I was just thinking “maybe she hasn’t posted because she had the baby!” So happy to hear of her safe arrival. Many congrats to you. Holding Ava close in thought today 🙂
So glad to hear that Beta made it safely into this world without HELLP rearing it’s ugly head! I can’t wait to read more about her arrival, and maybe learn her IRL name?
Hurray! Lots of love to you and your girls!
Omg I can’t wait to hear the details of Ava’s little sister. So happy for you.
Yay! Congratulations and much joy on Beta’s safe arrival.
omg. omg. omg. omg.
I’m so excited to see this! I was out of town and didn’t see the last post somehow. This was a wonderful surprise!!
Lillian is absolutely lovely! Congratulations on the birth of your precious second little lady! Ava must be so proud to be a big sister. So wonderful that you’re both healthy and strong!
Crying tears of joy over here. Thank you for sharing her birth story.
Wow Melissa. You guys did it. She made it.
I’m crying tears of absolute joy and relief here. She’s so so gorgeous already. I can’t wait to read more.
I love that Ava was there too. To somehow have both your girls in that moment must have been such an extreme gift for you.
Big sister, little sister, forever. So much love.
So beautiful, so precious. I am so glad that she is safely here with you and that Ava was present in the hearts of so many when her sister made it into this world.
She’s GORGEOUS!
~Cava
She is so beautiful. What a beautiful story. Incredibly happy for you guys.
She is absolutely precious and perfect <3
You did do it. And I’m so happy for you all. Thank you for sharing.
YOU got this.
I didn’t have major surgery like you… so I can’t speak to that, but Elliot went back to work within a week of B’s birth as well.
You have family local? I hope at least meals are covered?
Either way, there’s a freezer full of what you made. You’ve got this, Mama!
You can, you can, you can! You are already doing it. You were made for it.
I appreciated this post so much. I agree and understand it so well. I’m thrilled L is here and bringing back some joy into your life. Brooke was right on. We aren’t healed, but some joy can return with these babies. We need it to, not only for our sanity (we do live the rest of our lives!), but because it’s not fair to the siblings of our beloved babies for us not to share joy in THEIR lives. In a way, they force it on us in a very healthy and good way.
This line: The joy in our life now is as palpable as the grief and I am glad of it.
My goodness, yes. Both palpable, but at least they’re both present together… no joy is just not okay.
Yes that last line was perfect.
So glad you have that joy. So glad you have that sweet girl in your arms.
So glad you have that sweet girl. Yes, I think even Wal.mart can have some joy when you’re shopping for a baby.
If you need to mix it up and she likes the Four Seasons, try Bach’s Brandenberg Concertos and Mozart’s Eine Kleine Nachtmusik. The recordings by Neville Mariner and the Academy of Saint Martin in the Fields are great.
I took months with some of my thank yous. I just wasn’t in the proper headspace to do it. I felt bad about it but eventually I did send them and I figure that’s what matters. I’d say don’t stress yourself over it.
Honestly, if you’re sending announcements, I would just use that and write a personal thank you on the back! But that’s from a girl who didn’t do announcements at all. 😉
I was not aware that you are suppose to send Thank You Cards….I’d say if you are sending out announcements, just do it then. If it takes you months, its better late then never as well and I’d hope most people understand why they will not arrive right away!
Sounds like B & L have some things in common, other than the obvious sadness.
The loud, goose-like squawking WHILE sleeping? Yeah, Benjamin did that the entire 3 months he slept in our room. At 3.5 months, we were more than comfortable sending him to his room on the same monitor where he (and we) have slept better ever since.
I’m so sorry your girls had to “meet” this way. What a life. No one could’ve anticipated this.
Ha ha! So I am not the only one with a Goose! Her noisiness cannot be understated. We adore it but it does make sleeping next to her rather difficult. I give you credit for sticking out 3 months next to a gooser!
PS. I emailed you.
Love her nickname (and love the Angelcare monitor also!)
Just beautiful. I do believe that’s near Ava’s tree. I hope, I hope. 🙂
That’s a beautiful announcement. I love how you incorporated her big sister.
Ah, I’ll never get over how hard this all is….
Sending my love to your family of 4
love this <3
She is just beautiful and you both are glowing.
Those shots are beautiful
Your storytelling is so very heart warming.
I’m so happy Lillian is here. Remembering Ava with you.
These pictures bring tears to my eyes every time I see them. Love.
Beautiful. Just gorgeous.
Love your wording. Just perfect.
Love them all. She’s perfect and so beautiful
What’s even more crazy is that everyone wants to touch their HANDS. My kid sucks his thumb and the last thing I want people doing is touching hands that will be going directly into his mouth!
Brave mama for hitting up the mall! But I understand. It’s cold outside and for those of us who didn’t have the items we needed because we were too terrified to buy them without the certainty that rainbow babies would be born alive… well, we’re left with some work to do.
I still look at his mobile and think that I did that with a newborn in my arms because I couldn’t bear to do it beforehand.
Hoping all those sickos (or not) keep their grubby hands of L!
I agree about the hands. This drives us nuts even still! My friend told me that I should put a sign on G that read “I have contagious diarrhea”. That should keep people away. In all seriousness, it should be okay to say something like “she is a newborn, we’d prefer if you didn’t touch her”. It seems so simple when I type it but I never had the guts to do it. And so we always did exactly what you did. Honestly people!! How about you don’t count your till and then come running up to touch a newborn. This should be a given.
17 months with my rainbow and it hasn’t ended. I too hope it never does.
Congrats on the discharge from care.
I tried posting a comment from my phone, but I don’t think it worked. Thank you for joining in! I know that cleaning rage all too well.
Haha! I love that talking photo. Too funny.
Should I be disturbed that I lol’ed at your “emotional cutting”? Steel Magnolias does it for me. Every damn time.
Cute pjs. I like cute picture Wednesday.
Oh, moving! I want to lose my sh** with just remodeling the basement we have. To think of moving might send me into an anxiety attack. I wish you all the luck! It is a tinge exciting though, eh?
But oh. To create another nursery. :/
ha – totally get the emotional cutting. And Bravo on the shower AND doing your hair – you overachiever you!
Ouch, moving……I unpacked my sewing machine today and I have no idea where the pedal is. We moved 1 year ago on the 17th of December. Do you think I know where that thing is? All it will take is the right house and you’re in trouble! 🙂
Love these photos! Who doesn’t like some Christmas related pj’s?? 🙂
C
Don’t I know it.
I’m more angry than I thought I would ever be now that Benjamin is here and Andrew is not. Angry for him, you know? Angry he won’t have a big brother to teach him things or stand up at his wedding.
I’m angry for myself, but so much more angry for him.
Tears again. Anticipation of today… thought it would be harder than the actual. Not the case, for some reason. I’m a sopping mess today.
I sure wish we had a tree ceremony here. We have a remembrance ceremony I won’t be in town to attend this year and it makes me so sad. I’d love to see the ornament you hung, if you have a picture?
Delightful.
I love that you decorate her tree every year. Makes me wish I had a tree like you and Brooke to go visit and decorate.
A beautiful way to honour Ava.
I love this idea. In fact, I am totally going to buy a bell to put on E’s tree this year.
Beautiful. Sure glad you have that little sister strapped to you this year (and in a super cute carrier if I do say)
These pictures bring tears to my eyes and even post stomach-flu you look happy and beautiful. Love to see Matt’s smile.
I understand this so well. December is just so hard for us babyloss families.
Questions of how to celebrate while including our babies. How to celebrate to ensure our rainbows have a good childhood and experience…
How will this grief look when we’re older? This is a post that’s been brewing on me for some time.
Glad there is some spirit back. Hoping you’re feeling much better soon.
Zuzu has that same blankie sleeper! Super cute. With cheeks like those, the smile is just gravy anyway. She’s a doll.
Cute picture Wednesday is back! Yay!
Must. Refrain. From. Pinching. Cheeks. Love her so much.
I’m feeling physically sick, too. :/
What a precious moment between sisters! You’re such a loving mama, recognizing that even tiny little ones can be impacted by the tones and moods of what we allow in our homes. I can’t imagine how much more painful the tragedy must be for BLMs…. I known it must send t your empathy into overdrive. I think dancing with Lils is a great way to move thru the tears.
Oh my! I absolutely love that picture of Ava’s tree in the four seasons… of course that means it’s been four seasons (and more), but it’s truly lovely.
Nothing can prepare you.
Keep dancing and singing. I don’t know any other way to do it. Crying while dancing and singing? Par for the course.
Very cute! 🙂 Sad about the shots. Bode has his next week and I am NOT looking forward to that.
Oh what a beautiful gift. And such a brilliant idea.
So glad you get to share Ava with her sister. Telling her all about her now will ensure she always grows up knowing how loved her sister is.
What a lovely tradition. I hope you post pictures every year, too. And how wonderful of your mom to add a bow touch on her tree. Almost made me cry reading that!
That is really lovely. I also love how your mom stopped by and decorated the tree. Beautiful. This was our first Christmas without our little girl – she died in March. It was hard comparing the excitement we had while pregnant last year with where we were this year. We decided to head out of town, with no internet access at all, but this really inspires me to try to find our own Christmas tradition. Beautiful.
Lovely tradition, lovely family.
“How will I get my boob out of this shirt?” Yup. Love it. Wishing you all the best in 2013.
Fun reading these. 🙂
I’m so glad Lil is here save and sound. And I’m SO glad you were HELLP free this pregnancy completely! Would’ve been nice to be able to enjoy it though, you know?
Love this x
For me, no. I don’t really. That’s sort of the luxury of choosing education as a career (when I decide to go back). I didn’t write about my students/job/boss when I was teaching and blogging. I do believe in confidentiality when related to certain things… so my fear of getting fired? Not there.
As far as the safety of B? Well, truth is… what will people do to him? I suppose they could know where I live, but there are kids all over the internet on many, many blogs that aren’t sad dead baby blogs. I just don’t think someone would want to target a family so… sad. Maybe I’m wrong, but I’m a lot more convinced that Kel.le Hamp.ton would get creepy stalkers than me.
I’ve never had anyone to hide from in family or life, so I’ve always been okay with being open. With that said, I do read blogs of people who don’t use their kids’ names and instead use only letters. They’re not searchable in that regard. There are plenty of anonymous bloggers out there, but to be honest, I don’t think their following is as strong if they don’t choose to be ultra vulnerable. I think that’s what makes us all more human speaking behind keyboards.
If you are afraid of sharing too much, go private? Instead of writing for others, reach out to others through Faces and their blogs. You can still be a huge support to others without a blog. I email with lots of people who don’t blog and I feel like that’s also quite beneficial.
I don’t worry about this much either. I don’t write anything that isn’t honest, but I also edit what I write in the sense that I don’t talk about work at all and I’m careful what I write about my husband since some of his co-workers read it (I mean, he’s MOSTLY perfect, but there are times…) I will never be (and never want to be) a blogger celebrity. My blog has few readers and the only search terms that would pull it up really would be related to baby loss or people who know us specifically, so I feel like the known good outweighs the potential bad. I don’t use my married name for my job, and my maiden name is very common, so I kind of have a big of anonymity that way when it comes to the idea of students possibly reading my blog (unlikely, but I make sure not to write anything incriminating in that sense–I’m fine with anyone who knows me knowing how deeply I grieve Eliza). But I do refer to Caroline as Zuzu almost always now as a bit of a privacy measure.
Overall, it’s just not a major concern for me. I know it is for a lot of people, though. I have a friend who took down some posts because she felt it might be seen as unprofessional in her career. Just do what feels right for you. The way I see it, you’ll never be able to control everything so as long as you’re authentic and you don’t feel over exposed, you’re doing what works for you.
I like your style when it comes to dishes. 😉
The cleaning product aisle? I swoon over them, too. But I have to admit, I get more excited about the green cleaners now. There are still plenty for me to geek out about. Hah.
Who is that baby in the pictures!? She’s growing so much!
Also, I own a label maker. And love it. My mother-in-law got it for me four years ago and it’s probably the best gift she will ever give me.
I don’t remember who I was before Cale died either. And most of the time, I’m really ok with that.
I know! She has changed so much! A big 3 month old in 3 days. I am glad I am not the only one who forgets… there is something comforting in knowing our wee ones have changed us so much.
We are a military family, so I often find that the things I keep out of my blog are things relating to deployments and my husbands work timeline. I don’t vent about his work situation or people he works with either, but lord knows I could 🙂
I don’t worry about it too much though to be honest. I think that the good has outweighed the bad in terms of people finding my blog for the right (albeit sad) reasons.
Maybe another day. There are always yoga pants. 😉
I’ve needed jeans for ages, but going shopping is exhausting. I’ve always found the small talk exhausting, and unfortunately now, it’s impossible. It’s making this whole “trying to meet new friends” resolution realllllly fun. Gah.
I hate the ugly place. I hate it because it’s always there and often times make me feel ugly. Like everything she said was true. And harmless. But to us there is SO much more behind the scenes. Yes, we should enjoy our time – it’s wise advice (albeit a little annoying) but to a BLM it’s not just about enjoying our time with this baby, but about the fact that we didn’t get to with this other baby.
I have worn yoga pants all weekend. Screw jeans.
I couldn’t agree more. I hate the ugly place for what it says about me and how ugly I feel for going there. What she said was entirely harmless… yet so potent through my eyes.
Yoga pants it is. I just bought a patch to sew up the hole in my old jeans so that I don’t have to find new ones.
It is so hard to not want to smack people sometimes. I know other parents are trying to relate by giving advice/trite insights, but they have no idea that they should be so thankful that they will never be able to relate to my experience.
Ugh, I’ve been there so many times.
Ha. love it. nothing like a man and an organized dishwasher!
Haha. Keep up the good work, Melissa. 😉
So lovely. I’m so glad she’s here.
I had/have a hard time with “rainbow” as well, but love that they’re beautiful and surely represent a large undertaking of grief and sadness. Though, the storm is never over and the rainbow… I hope not fleeting.
Whatever we call these babies, they are precious gifts I’m so thankful we have.
I couldn’t agree more. The storm is never over.
You’re so right. It’s one of the things I worry about with getting pregnant again. Not only am I going to panic throughout the entire pregnancy, but probably that baby’s entire life! Much love and hope for the future.
I resisted the “rainbow” term for a while, too, but I use it now because I can’t think of anything better. I relate to your reluctance to buy ahead. I’ve done this a few times (for REALLY good sales) but I always feel funny about it–like I need to spit on the evil eye three times or something.
Yes! I totally get this… please stay baby, please. I have asked Harlow outloud to please never leave. Loss of a baby, our baby, your baby… it makes me or life seem so fragile. So easily broken. So I hold on really tight nd love with all my might…I totally hear you.
Ugh. Yes. The ugly, honest place where I want to slap people in the face with a taste of reality. Sometimes I can bite my tongue. Sometimes, not so much.
I don’t do well with small talk now, either.
Sooo sweet. Reading this is helpful for me. Even though I’m almost 18 months away from our loss, I still wonder whether or not I should have a baby or whether or not I can have a baby and so many of the things that you said are true for me, too.
It’s amazing to me how life is really transient now – how one minute it’s here, my son is here! – and the next minute it’s gone.
I’m so glad little Lillian is here to stay. She’s beautiful. I love the name Lillian.
Oh my gosh, yes. I was so hypersensitive to criticism from David in the early weeks/months after Caroline was born. I think a lot of it was postpartum hormones, but I didn’t feel especially sad or anxious like ppd–I just felt hypersensitive to both good and bad things. It evened out after a while. You are perceptive to recognize it while you are in it–it was something that I mainly noticed in retrospect, especially after David would make an innocuous comment that would suddenly have me in tears.
I do love the image of your girls shaping you. I feel the same way.
When my first son was very young I told my friend that motherhood turns the world from a two dimensional experience into a three dimensional experience. That was the closest thing I had to compare it to. Like I had felt joy before, but now I felt it in three dimensions. I think that losing a baby changes this even more – to a fourth dimension? Like there’s a hole in my soul that shapes my entire experience of the world in a new way.
I’m glad that Lillian has come and has given you this new softness. How much more pleasant and joyful to be in the world when you have that kind of sweetness coming back at you.
And yes, postpartum hormones may amplify your internal landscape. I know they amplify mine. . .
<3 Sweetness <3
Yes, yes, yes! I think I also was super sensitive because while parenting was new after Finn was born, it was my second time as a mother. And I wanted (and still do) that validated. But yes – EVERYTHING is felt deeper.
I am also similar… this is why I took everything the doctors said about low weight/feeding to heart. I didn’t want to be a bad mother. I felt so fragile.
I think there is some combo of hormone and PPD/PTSD tied in there. I KNOW I wouldn’t have been so sensitive with Andrew, had he lived and was my only living child. But when your firstborn dies? There’s a sense of guilt that will always play out. I’m guarded still.
You’re not alone.
I think we’re all trying to figure out the best way to navigate down that path of celebration, grief and acknowledgement. I’m sure it will adapt as Lillian asks questions and forms her own relationship with Ava. I hope you find the way to celebrate Ava this year that feels as good as it can in your heart.
I’m not sure if this helps, but I found your blog recently while searching for babies after preeclampsia and HELLP. I had both, about 4 months ago and my sweet son was born at nearly 24 weeks. He lived for 4 short days, and then passed away. The grief has been devastating. But, even more…I think all girls in our shoes wonder about ever getting pregnant again. The hospital was terrifying, everything that happened was scary and horrible. How could I put myself through that again? And yet, I’m already thinking about it.
Basically, I appreciate you putting things out there. And there are great resources for preeclampsia survivors, but nothing really affects me more than hearing one very personal story. So, thank you.
For Cale’s second birthday (Finn had just turned one) we just did a small blue balloon release in our backyard. Just my husband and I and my mom who was in town. It was peaceful and nice and we shared a big cupcake instead of a cake. Nothing big. But just enough to make the day his and to think about him and send him love.
I hope you find something that works for you.
where or where has the time gone!? she’s precious.
None of the circumstances are your fault. I am guilty of this line of thought as well. Truth is, if we had known all was about to go south, we WOULD HAVE acted. But how were we to know?
You are a fantastic mother and I’m so happy to know that the deer is alive and you guys are safe and sound!
Please excuse all the grammatical errors in this post, I am rereading this on my phone and it is awful! Will edit in the a.m on my computer.
I am glad you did not hit the deer and you and Lillian are both safe. Good job for stopping straight and not trying to swerve! I often have grief moments after leaving family things. Nothing bad happens there, I just think it is tiring to interact with people and an extra reminder that our oldest babies should be here. And wow, do I have the guilt about how could I not have saved the baby in my belly. Ugh. But as Brandy said, it we had known, we would have changed things. I try and remind myself of that, but sometimes the negative thoughts come out anyways.
That is so scary!! I’m so glad that you and Lillian are safe. We are all doing the very best we can, every day. Sometimes the voices of the grief tell such awful stories. Such awful stories. I hope you can hold onto that knowing – that real, physical knowing that you would have done anything. Of course you would have.
This gave me goosebumps. Letting go of the guilt is not easy, but you’re right that we would have done anything we could, if only.
SO glad you guys are ok. And you did your best Mom, and you always will. And that’s all you can do.
Ugh! Those moments where I’m sideswiped by some unknowing person inquiring about my life where the dead baby bomb hovers. . .Thinking of you as Ava’s birthday approaches <3
It’s crazy how we’re going about our dead baby business and someone opens up the wound without realizing it. It’s like we’re so used to living without them in our own worlds and performing tasks such as buying candles for their birthday cakes they’ll never see that we are caught by surprise when someone draws attention to it all. Such an innocent question.
I know just how you feel about speaking her name. Don’t ask. But, please do.
Also thinking of you and Ava around her 2nd birthday.
p.s. We don’t carry a balance either and use our credit card exclusively. We save gobs of money that way! Plus, it’s super convenient.
I remember having this exact same realization about three months after Caro was born. Like “This is my life now.” And all that it entails. After years of being childless and free to do what we want, then months of happy optimism, then and months of mind-numbing grief, then a fearful pregnancy, we were finally at what felt like a good baseline of “normal.” There are still days that ebb and flow with grief and stress, but overall, this newest normal is a pretty good place to be.
“Good baseline of normal” what a great expression! That is is entirely. We have finally found a good baseline of normal after years of flux. The ebb and flow of grief is still there, I expect it always will be.
thinking of you today
I hope a good home cooked meal provides a little comfort. And hopefully followed by a bit of good sleep for mama and babe!
What a wonderful, intimate moment. Now that we’re so close to Ava’s day, I’m in awe that there is this beauty, too. <3
Ha ha. Even in the midst of sorrow, it is so important to have things to laugh about. 🙂
So funny. I’m glad you wrote that down. It’s one of those weird/bittersweet/hilarious/confusing moments that only we BLMs can speak to.
Now that you wrote that story out, I was reflecting on our own laughter. I vividly remember laughing and cracking jokes in my hospital room just hours, not days, after Andrew died. I can’t recount many moments I laughed in my entire life, yet that stands out so clear.
Bizarre, this grief.
Oh so sweet! I kind of wish I had jammies like those. They look so cozy!
Love those cheeks. Nom nom.
This grief sure is Bizarre but that is a really sweet story – thanks for sharing. And written so well! And thank God for the laughter – sometimes that’s all there is to hold back the tears.
This is beautiful. Happy birthday dear Ava. You are loved.
That’s awesome. I’d love to meet Ina May. So excited for you!
Beautiful tribute to a baby so loved and missed.
Those words were gorgeous. Two is big. <3
How wonderful! I’m so proud of you for being bold and speaking out. A keyboard is so much easier… but this takes courage. Go get ’em, Mama!
Happy Birthday precious Ava. Yes, she sure has changed the world in tangible ways and will continue to do so.
beautiful.
Happy Birthday, Ava. This post is beautiful. I’m so sorry that she’s not here with you. She should be. <3
So much love to you guys. Hard to believe time just keeps passing. I’m sure the cake was delicious. Happy Birthday, Ava.
Happy birthday Ava! Lillian looks like she had fun making a cake for big sister. Somehow being snowed in seems appropriate for a sad happy day.
Happy birthday Ava. You are missed and loved
Happy Birthday to you! What a fun theme to have at your party. Your sister definitely rocked it.
Here’s to a new decade. {holding up a glass of champagne because I LOVE champagne and will find any reason to toast.}
<3 would love to find a reason to share a glass of champagne!
Happy Birthday!! And happy, happy 30th! The party looks amazing, and I hope everyone had a great time. Welcome to your 30’s. I hope that they are full of joy and love!!
Happy belated birthday – what an awesome celebration. Your sisters outfit is fabulous!
<3 love it. love it. love it. <3
I love this, and I love that your thoughtful friend is named Eliza.
That is just so beautiful. I also love that your friend’s name is Eliza… just a wonderful namesake.
So sweet. Good friends like that – they are keepers.
oh those cheeks are just nom-able aren’t they!?
I joke that she is a baby snack all the time! She is pretty smoochable!
So, so glad she’s here.
God love her, she is just so sweet. We love Miss Lillian!
That’s amazing. What a story, what a onesie, what a baby.
Impossibly sweet! And her thighs are amazing!!
7 pounds – meh. Bottoms Up, my friend!
Isn’t it crazy how much you notice when a baby is sleeping? I’m keenly aware of every single noise that goes on outside. Hah.
Drink the wine.
I am the SAME way with my dogs and I feel really guilty about it. My patience for them just runs thin after prioritizing all of the baby’s needs.
Wine. Yum.
And so glad you have this time at home to treasure Lillian!
What kind of stroller do you have?
City Mini GT by Baby Jogger. It is awesome. I love the large canopy and how light it is. Oh, and it folds in seconds.
She looks so happy to go walking with Mama and Pup-pup!
I feel so similar to this and really understand it. Sometimes I want to just close the windows and go back to the quiet. Other times, I need to escape it – it’s hard to balance the two.
I feel the same way.
Yes, oh yes, my friend. Yes.
You are so totally a mom to two lovely girls. Isn’t it wonderful to see that written or hear that aloud. Like, woah. Do I really have TWO babies to attach to my name? How special. And at the same time, how unfortunate that the only thing we’ll ever have are both names together and not loads of other things that unite them as our children.
I can feel B’s warm hands as I think of them. They’re so perfect.
Yes, I love how warm and soft his little hands feel. And yes I had the same warm fuzzy feeling about Caroline’s email! 🙂
I remember being SHOCKED that Caro’s hands looked just like Eliza’s when she was born. Like Eliza’s hands were “dead baby” hands instead of newborn hands or something? I don’t know. I was just so stunned that some of the features I thought were elements of death were actually elements of being newborn–does that make sense? It was my second favorite thing about Caro’s birth (the first being that she was alive and screaming, obviously). You have beautiful girls with beautiful names. 🙂
For some reason the second picture won’t load, but I imagine it to just be so precious.
When Cale died and we held him I was obviously crying, but seeing his little hand on top of his chest – it was under the blanket, but the blanket was loose enough to see his perfect little hand – and it just made me weep so much more. Because it was so perfect and just more evidence of this amazing little being that I created and wouldn’t get to raise.
Hands are so, so special.
These same thoughts have struck me numb on several occasions lately. I thought I knew what we were expecting when we were expecting Eliza, and I grieved for every moment I’d imagined that I’d never get to live. Everything I know now has deepened that loss, taken the imaginary and made it gut-achingly real. These days with Caro are sweeter than they might otherwise have been, but I’ll never get the taste of bitter loss out of my throat.
Love it! You both have such nommable cheeks.
Yes, truly KNOWING what we are missing adds a whole other painful dimension to knowing what we were missing.
Baby attacks are THE best.
And yet, we now know the magnitude of what Ava and Andrew and Eliza and Bear and all of our babies would have given to us as well. It hurts deeply.
I am so thankful we’re experiencing this love now, but it makes me grieve even deeper sometimes because of what exactly we missed when we laid our babies to rest.
whoa! mini-you
This was beautiful and awful because of the truth that it conveys.
We’ve missed so much. So very much. “I always knew our loss was tremendous but seeing it through Lillian it is all so much clearer.”
That’s it. It’s so real and so sad.
That will be such a wonderful and special ceremony.
You’ll love your iPhone (mostly). Welcome to the club.
Yeah… we’re sad for you guys. At least you know we’re serious about Target being the best store ever (well, in the states). The maternity clothes from Target is just about all I wear while pregnant. I have quite the stash of the same exact shirt in every color imaginable. If I weren’t a BLM and could joke about this crap, I’d say it’s a good enough reason to get pregnant to just wear those amazing shirts that are comfortable as can be.
But I’m a BLM and that’s not funny. But they’re cute.
Exciting that Lil’s inaugural cart ride was at the Bullseye! Also, not all Targets have the plastic carts here… I imagine the newer ones only. My fave Target doesn’t, but the one in the opposite direction does. They’re about 50/50. Random tidbit. 😉
She’s most def an adorable GIRL and it drives me INSANE when people touch B’s hand. He is a ravenous thumbsucker and I am not cool with that!
Just reread. My grammar is horrid. Apologies.
Bee and I enjoyed Target as well! Bee even got a sticker from the cashier. I would have politely, or maybe not so politely, told the lady not to touch my daughter. I can’t stand when people do that, especially strangers. We had a close call the other day too but I moved Bee away.
And maybe it’s just me, but I would not dress my little boy like the above picture, that is very girly.
Your Target had an elevator!? Fancy!
Welcome to the darkside.
Yay Target! My Target has an elevator too. 🙂
People are sooo stupid. We took Zuzu to a Christmas party (briefly–for David’s work people) in blue and lavender pjs covered with snowflakes. People see blue and automatically think BOY, no matter what. It’s absurd. I got all offended at that party because someone said, “How old is she? Two months?” WTH? She was five months. Did she LOOK or ACT like a two month old? No.
Also I hate people touching the baby’s hand. Yick.
Wait, so are you moving? Or just finishing the last of the rooms in your house?
I am not looking forward to this (for you) because I know what it’s like to miss the husband while he’s slaving away on a house project (ehm, basement!) for months. But, it’s so nice when it’s done.
We just did curtains in our bedroom this weekend. Lived here three years and we had no curtains. Just PINK blinds that were original when we moved in. Unreal. We feel so sophisticated with floor to ceiling curtains. Like big kids.
Finishing the last room so we can put the house on the market soon.
Get ‘er done Matthew!
Good luck!
Total pain in the butt process, but worth it in the end!
You make our renos look like monthly dusting chores lol
Man you guys are so impressive. Can Matthew and Brandy’s husband come work on my house? I’ll find projects for them. 🙂
You know how my weekend went. Sickfest 2013. So I totally empathize with the fever. No fevers here… just gobs of vomit. Lord help me!
But anyway, what I really wanted to say was… HOORAY for getting things moving on that kitchen! I’m very excited to see the finished product.
Back for a second peek because I am so excited to see the new kitchen. Feeling pretty good about my carrier now… look at all you did with her in that thing!
I LOVE her cheeks and want to eat her up.
also can’t wait to see kitchen pics.
I want to blog about this article also! I didn’t experience the “circle jumpers,” although I can understand your sensitivity that. But I did have a friend who said things to me that were inappropriate–that needed to be spoken outward to a further circle and not inward (things like, “I thought you would be better by now.”–six months after our loss. I know she was sad about the way our friendship changed, but it was infuriating the way she made my loss about HER.
Oh wow. I’m so glad I saw this post! Thank you. Great article AND yes we had circle jumpers, too, and I didn’t have a name for it. They just made me mad and uncomfortable. Yes.
Wow, good article!
I like what you said about people’s ignorance of grief. People just don’t know what they don’t know! But what’s hard is when they think they know what they don’t know. I ran into this many times with my sister. My older sister. She just didn’t know what was appropriate conversation. Ever. When I go back and look at timelines in my first year, she is always the one that triggered so many upset emotions in me. Talking about starting a family, trying to conceive, planning, counting the months it would take… And here I am only a handful of months out. She just didn’t ever get it that this would NEVER be something we were going to bond over, or even be ok for her to talk about with me. And she only ever dug her hole deeper as the months passed. To the point where we do not talk. And she thinks it’s about her LIFE, when it’s really about her, and her ignorance. It’s so sad really.
I read this article, and want to forward her the link…but I’m afraid it won’t be received…she’ll think it doesn’t apply to her. Because she didn’t “dump” in… She was just a buzzing oblivious presence, and went on about unimportant things that were really hard for me/us to tolerate. And it’s the fact that she just.doesnt.get.it that caused the entire split to this day.
God, sorry. I just dumped on your blog!! But this stirred up a lot. I’ve been wanting to write about this whole relationship crumble with my sister for some time now…but don’t want to sound petty to foolish.
Thank you for posting this, and giving this oh so common occurance a name
That is beautiful.
oh adorableness… and I mean Lil not Charlie 🙂
Love me some puppy love 🙂
So much sweetness! Yay for rolling over!
Oh my, she is a doll! <3
I have some lanolin left over from the early nursing days that I sometimes put on Zuzu’s diaper rash. I figure if it works for bloody nipples, it can work for raw baby butt. The very best thing you can do though is just let it out to air–try to keep a diaper off of her for as long as possible. I put down crib-size wet mats on the floor and just let Zuzu play naked (this was pre-crawling, obviously–now I just have to let her loose on tile and be willing to clean up a puddle). One of our daycare teachers told me she had seven kids and no diaper ointment works as well as fresh air on the bum. But Bordeaux’s Butt Paste is her recommendation for diaper rash. Hope Lillian’s feeling better soon!
I’m sorry about the stress and illness and sore bottom! I hope it gets better soon!
I agree with Brook – 1. air and 2. Bordeaux’s. Sorry for the sickness (and stress) hope all is well again soon.
It so frequently changed, what worked for my kiddos, but I second the lanolin, the boudreaux, and the air. A small amount of baking soda in their bath seemed to help, and so did a surprising amount of straight cornstarch in the diaper. If you all have Triple Paste up there, it was amazing sometimes. I would get desperate and use 3-4 of these methods together occasionally! Hope Lillian and you both recover soon and fully!
If you use disposable diapers I have heard that the Bordeaux’s Butt Paste is the best. If you use cloth, Dimpleskins Bum Bum Balm works very well and of course, if you can manage naked butt time but that in combination with runny poops probably is not the best combination. Also try getting the natural diapers as they have less chemicals which could be easier on her bottom.
Ugh! Sorry for the miserable sickness. So sad and scary. I’m glad everyone is feeling better now. Cute hair!
Piddle Pads are the best! I swear by them, I’d be lost without them. We go through so many. I also get peed on a lot as Bee’s small thighs make cloth diapers not fully leak proof. But oh well, it’s just pee. Glad to hear she is starting to feel better!
Glad you’re both feeling better! x
Love those cheeks and rolls on her arms! So sweet! Ava’s tree is beautiful. Looking forward to seeing it in bloom.
Oh my. I know those nights! You never see them coming and inevitably, they are after a long day of work and busy-ness. As tired as we are, us BLMs have our hearts beating fast and just say words of thankfulness to have these kinds of problems. 🙂
She is truly adorable. What a ray of sunshine.
What a nice evening. 🙂
I’ve been (extra) missing my boy lately too.
Lovely way to spend an evening.
Your hair is super cute.
I’ve been missing Eliza especially a lot lately. I wonder if it’s the change of season? It’s finally warming up here, and I think each time the seasons change, the ache in my heart hurts a little more at the passage of time without her.
What a lovely, lovely idea. Glad you did it.
Also, Charlie is one of my favorite dog names. 🙂
yes. You have so expressed how I feel too. Hugs to you and your girls.
I’m so glad you began writing. It’s such good therapy and us BLMs are definitely a community that’s important to all of us.
Sharing Ava is important. She’s important and her life is important. Cheers to you for acknowledging that publicly and helping others understand.
p.s. The reason I don’t comment more is because I can’t figure out how to follow so you show up in my reader. Do you know how?
Brandy,
I had no idea you had a problem adding me to your reader! Does anyone else have this problem? That is inconvenient to say the least. I have searched my settings and do not see anything amiss. Can anyone help me?
–Melissa
She shows up just fine in my reader. But Caroline’s blog won’t appear for me. Very weird.
A year makes SUCH a difference. I’m so sorry you got to know us, and so very glad you did. And of course, so happy that you were able to try for another pregnancy and end up with your sweet Lillian.
Can’t wait to see those cheeks in person in June!
Love that you’ve come full circle with that onesie. It was a good purchase. 🙂
Loving everything about this post, except for the sad. I can’t shake it either, though for different reasons. This was a difficult week on so many levels wasn’t it? Ava’s tree brings happiness to my heart as well. ♥
Such a cute onesie and of course how sad and endearing about Ava’s puppy. So sweet to share that piece of Ava with her little sister. May she love it and be comforted by it as well.
hugs
Yes, there’s so much to grieve that we don’t even realize while in the thick if it and grieving the most precious of all – the original loss of our child. But sadly, and unfairly, it doesn’t end there.
xo
I do think that we’ll all mourn the loss of not only our children who died, but the family we imagined. We mourn that we’ll never have the correct number of stockings or the family life we envisioned with that first glance at those two double lines on that pregnancy test.
Lil is so lucky to have such wonderful parents who wanted her so bad. I remember wishing the world to grant me one more chance to have Andrew alive and that I would never ask for another child again. And here we are with different circumstances. It doesn’t make us mourn their loss or the reality of how our families are so far different from we ever anticipated they would be, however.
Love to you, my friend.
Our babies absence always is there. Grieve and don’t feel ashamed about being sad about losing the vision of what you thought your family would look like. I did not have life threatening pregnancy complications, but we had fertility issues. Getting pregnant with our first, who died when I was 32 weeks pregnant with her, felt like a miracle at the time. 5 rounds of IUI, a failed round of IVF, 2 fertility doctors 3 years of trying and no pregnancies. Then a baby with no interventions like a gift from the heavens, and then to lose her… I knew that we may never get pregnant again, but we tried again, we went to a TCM practitioner, a hyponotherapist, I meditated and did yoga and we got pregnant again, now we are in the last few weeks of that pregnancy, holding our breath, waiting for our second daughter to come, praying and hoping for a living, healthy baby. If she makes her appearance healthy and happy, we would like to try for another, but I know that may not be possible, plus I turn 37 later this summer which adds some more issues. We have many friends with fertility issues that have turned to adoption, which has it’s own chances of heart break as well. Although that path is not right for everyone, and not an easy road, during my darkest times of infertility I would think of my friends with their children and remember there are many ways to build a family. Peace and light to you as you mourn Ava and your vision of what your family would look like.
I can relate so much to this, even though we haven’t made a firm decision about whether we’ll try to have another baby. No matter what we do, we’ll never have the families of our dreams, and we all grieve for that.
Missing Ava with you.
Looks great! And in two weeks?! You guys are champions. And congrats to Matthew on the job!
Wow! Nice work. Looks fabulous. Matthew is a keeper.
It took us longer than two weeks but it was two intensive weeks to get us up and running. It is a nice space finally after years of not liking our kitchen.
The cabinets are stunning and I really love the faucet! The little things…
I am so impressed that he worked so quickly with having a family and a new job! Very awesome.
Looks awesome!!
Love Ava’s tree. Our flowering plum for Eva died this year but seeing yours is lovely. We’ll plant another because trees, unlike children, can be replaced. Love the puppy.
My beautiful friend Melissa. I adore your honesty. Although you may not have the family you dreamed of in the conventional sense, there is no avoiding the fact that I have two little (ok, not so little) babies who love you like family. You are part of their good times and bad, fights and giggle fits. Family is what you make it. It is a place in our hearts.
🙂 a beautiful synopsis of an amazing trip!
Sarah was your first blog connection, huh? I had no idea! I wish she were there with us and Otis’ little brother as well. 🙂
That’s the one thing I love about this community– we’re so inclusive. Even if we have our differences, the main connection we have is that we lost our children, all within a similar time-span. These are people, that no matter how different on the surface, are grieving something fierce along with us.
I love that you remember hearing your names screamed as you arrived. I’m so glad you felt welcomed and loved. Getting a chance to meet your Lil was so special. Seeing these rainbows really does connect me to their older siblings. I am honored to have seen photos of your sweet Ava and understand even more of what your experience was like.
The love was so palpable. Speaking of love… your wedding anniversary? How come you didn’t mention that! We would’ve done something special for you guys! (though, come to think of it… this was quite special in itself!)
I’m sure Matthew knew in agreeing to come with you that this was an ultimate gift, not only for you, but for him. I hope he understood how welcomed and loved he was as a bereaved dad as well. It was such an honor having you both here.
Matthew said he was honoured to come and felt so validated by being included. I think the men in our lives try to be strong for us so much that it is easy forget the pain they suffer as well. This weekend was so healing for both of us. We were glad he could come (and let’s face it, I could not do an 8 hour drive with Lily by myself!)
I couldn’t agree more, somehow meeting the little siblings brought the babies closer to me. I now can picture Andrew so clearly, I can picture Eliza, Cale and Jack…Addison…Anna, the list goes on and on.
Ha ha ha. It was our wedding anniversary on the Sunday. We could not imagine being in a place with more love than your home this weekend. It was special enough.
Thank you for sharing Ava’s story. I found your blog from Brooke, we also lost our first daughter to HELLP, though luckily they figured it out and delivered before my liver got really bad. That pain though…is indescribable. I can’t believe I let it come and go for so long before I realized how not normal it was.
Ava’s tree is so so beautiful.
Angie!
Of course I know you! You were pregnant with Matthew as I was with Lillian and oh did I hold my breath for your entire pregnancy. Thank you for finding my blog and reading our story. Thank you! Mercifully there are so few HELLP Mama’s out there that it is hard to find any that blog. I am so glad to have your company though wish it were for different reasons.
I don’t know much about you or your history, but I have spent a ton of time researching pre-e and HELLP and the risks of recurrence. If your second pregnancy was okay, the odds are pretty favorable that a third would be as well. HELLP tends to be worst and mostly in first pregnancies (by a huge percentage). My third was my easiest pregnancy yet, we made it 37 wks after having HELLP at 23 wks the first time. Not to say that there isn’t a risk, there is a risk with getting in the car, but with a good team of doctors watching you carefully, the risks were worth it to us. (That said, I didn’t have any liver damage or anything left from HELLP.) My doctors were much more concerned with it being c-section #3 then HELLP. This is not meant to discourage your decision in any way, but just to say you might want to consider getting more professional opinions-especially if you are considering permanent birth control-and especially opinions from an MFM/specialist.
But yes, even if you do have more, someone will always be missing. <3
I just want to say that Matthew was a champ. Because as much as I hope he enjoyed the weekend, it would obviously be more emotional and special to you, the mama. What a guy you have there.
And it was so very special to see you and love on Lil. I’m glad I got to learn more about Ava and her family, you’re all so special.
I think he is a champ too! He loved meeting you and everyone else. He is now asking about you guys and is reading a few of your entries which makes me smile.
Seeing Finn made me happy enough for one weekend nevermind everything else on top of it. I loved playing with him and making him laugh. I miss your sweet boy. Happy Birthday Finn! Seeing you hold Lily, speechless. So glad we had this time together. I miss you already!
As I keep saying, what a fantastic idea.
I have followed your blog for sooooo long. I feel honoured to see you reading mine! I would have loved to meet you this weekend as well…and wee Frostina!
Love your recap Melissa. Such great photo’s.
I especially love the shot of all the rainbows in their hats… and the mom’s doing their best to round them up! Caroline with Finn… too much! And Zuzu sitting all by herself crossed legged and all zen-like, waiting for everyone else to get their act together! B taking off all like, “call me when this is over..” and Bode just callin it, losing it…so done. And Lil’s (I’m assuming looking at you) like, “what’s happening?!” lol. Love it. Brooke said it on her blog, herding cats, ha!
What a beautiful weekend filled with beautiful ladies and their rainbows
This made me tear up, Melissa. It really was that great, wasn’t it?
I love seeing Eliza’s name on your blog. 🙂
And I have a photo to e-mail you!
I had the same reaction when I heard about this weekend. We HAVE to go! And wow am I so glad it worked out!
I love your smile with Lily in the rainbow hat. I love all the motion in the kitchen photo. Maybe someday more dads can come too. xoxo
These recaps are so lovely to read!
I get so excited, even though I was obviously there. ha! 🙂
So glad you feel “home”, it really is like that, isn’t it? Lil is just too sweet. 🙂
“It was, beyond a doubt, one of the most beautiful and cherished moments of my life”. So so true. Already looking forward to next year. <3
Love the recap, it’s perfect! I’m with Laura- I get excited reading them too haha 🙂 So great to meet you this weekend and to know your girls <3
This is beautiful! I love the list of values. Thank you for the reminder that celebrating our living children does not diminish the love we have for their missing siblings.
That’s so lovely, and I love the signatures on your list. What a beautiful way to surround Lily with love. And yes to what Mama Bear said–celebrating life honors the babies we wish so much were here, because we would have done the same for them.
Oh I love this. How special for all of you.
Beautiful pictures, beautiful day. <3
That really is beautiful. And I love the significance of the dress on your beautiful Lil. <3
Beautiful day, no doubt. Wish I could be there for so many things! Including just chats on a random day…
That’s exactly what happened here this weekend as well.
Isn’t it true how much those babies changed us? I’m such a different person (less uptight if you can believe it!) and really understand the need to just be present.
She is quite a happy, lovely, and adorable sister. 😉
Stay-cations are the best. Nice to just slow down and regroup with those who matter most. Hoping for one soon myself!
Love those cheeks. Nom
That sounds wonderful. It is so nice when your heart tells you something and you listen and it is just right.
I’m so glad you made the decision to listen to your soul. What a wonderful lesson to teach to Lil and those around you….
I love this post. Its my favorite. You are the best mom two girl could have, Melissa.
I parent Maxwell in much the same way…he’s happy and healthy and will probably wear shoes when he’s walking. He is loved beyond measure and that is what matters most to me (along with his well being and safety of course). Too relaxed, perhaps, but I would rather be too relaxed than too worried and up-tight. For now I’ll enjoy the little moments I do have and grieve the ones I never will. I am positive Lillian is happy just the way things are just from seeing her sweet face!
Keep on keeping on Mama. Whatever the reason – grief or practically I think you’re doing a great job raising a happy girl and that’s all that matters.
Finn didn’t wear shoes until he walked either. What’s the point?!
I worry (A LOT) about things like whether Bode is breathing! smiling, eating, playing and sleeping. Shoes, not so much. Lily knows how much she is loved!
Girlfriend, Benjamin didn’t wear shoes until he walked either (except leather “shoes” which is because he wouldn’t wear socks in the winter…haha!).
I’m hardly the type to matchy-match or really even be on top of the fashion trend. For God’s sake, I’m just happy he’s ALIVE!
You’re practical and Lil will appreciate that. Actually, she already does.
I have yet to even start a book for Cale. I bought all the stuff, have pictures printed and have it all in a nice little tupperware box I even labeled “Cale’s Album” with a LABEL MAKER. And then that’s as far as I got. I thought I would for sure get it done before Finn arrived, but couldn’t do it when I was pregnant with him for many of the same reasons. And here we are THREE YEARS (oye) later and it has yet to be touched. I have vowed that it will get done before I’m 30. It’s on my 30 by 30 list. But I know the reason I’m putting it off isn’t so much that I’m afraid of the emotions, because honestly at times I welcome them, even the ugly ones, but because I want there to always be something to do for Cale. I always want to have a project for him or that involves him and am worried that if I finish the album there won’t be much left to do for him.
Maybe we can help each other. Let’s set a date – not to have it all finished, but to at least share some progress we’ve made. You’ll have a busy October planning a special birthday, but maybe we share by September 30th?
I love this idea! I agree, September 30th we will share what we have done…finished or not.
Wow. The second I read that you always want something to do for Cale goosebumps ran down my arms. That is so very true. Isn’t this another way we can parent our babies? Something to do for them because if they were here we would be chasing a 3 and 2 year old around. We could be wiping faces and singing songs… this book is an act of parenting and I hope when it is finished it isn’t over.
I always think that I carry her with me. I promised her in the letter I put with her memorial tree that I would live a full life for her. I would live and love fully, letting her see life through me. I would act as I would want her to act, I would allow her to be my guiding principle. I will always try and find ways to incorporate her, I am always searching for her where I can. So that my parenting is never done.
I just want to hug you and Caroline and get together and hang out–scrapbooking or not.
Yes, yes, yes. I too have odds and ends in drawers and boxes that belong to Alexander, or we’re given to him (shower cards and condolence cards). I so want to gather them all up, and properly keep them in order…but it is always something I’ll have to do for him. Once it’s done, it’s done. And I’m not ready for that.
I am only part of the way finished with Bear’s scrapbook too. I love what I have so far but I really have to be in a special (emotional) place to work on it. Like you, I really want to be able to show it to others but not until it is completed. But like Caroline, I like having something for Bear that I am still working on..
I know once I finish his book I will be able to come up with another Bear project though. And I also know that showing people years later will remind them how much Bear still matters to our family.
I finished Andrew’s… but I can assure you. I was literally a MESS of tears and sadness during the whole process. I grew to dread it when I would open up the software. I’m so thankful I have it (though), but mostly thankful it’s done. It’s so emotional. :/
I’m so proud of you!
And yet, so angry that of the 4 women interviewed, you were the last listed (dead baby) and the only one with a (dead baby).
CURSES.
But yes. I am thrilled your voice and the voice of someone with loss has come out and shared the reality of how scary HELLP can be and how life-threatening it is for both baby and mom.
I hope this helps other women– especially those who suffered HELLP (bc obviously they wouldn’t research before since they are BLESSED AND PERFECT AND WOULD NEVER HAVE THAT HAPPEN TO THEM, BAH). I hope you are an inspiration and support. Actually, I know you are. 🙂
I have yet to finish Ty or Jacobs, I actually wrote a blog awhile back about this same issue. To me, I don’t think I want to complete it because then it will be final, it will be the end and there shouldn’t be an end because they both should be here. I feel like if I finish it, it’s done. That part of my life is done, there is no more to add but a book to be added to our shelf. Both of the boys have their books in a box in a closet right now and I have no desire to go through it because I just can’t finish their baby books. I don’t know if I ever will and yes, infants with any time to do anything besides take care of them, not happening. I did make a video though for all my babies which was hard but so emotionally satisfying, kind of like a book but with music.
Yes. My sentiment 100%. Nicely said.
Glad I am not alone. This entire media storm is just unsettling. Let them be.
Don’t say that. In my head Canada is perfect. Nothing but wonderfully friendly people, gorgeous scenery everywhere and the best weather year round with the perfect blend of all seasons.
I like my version 🙂
I like your version too! Especially if it means you may come visit!
I think that every time a celebrity is having a baby, or even when friends of mine are having a baby, it’s always what if, never happens but I always think that.
I am not sure there is anything sweeter. I have watched this video a few times now and it never fails to make me laugh. Thank you for Lily for always putting a smile on my face!
I got knots in my stomach every time I hear/see something on tv…it makes me so anxious. I am also so jealous if the certainly.
Yes. It stresses me out.
Full is absolutely right. After Eliza, I thought contentment was out of reach for me. But I have it now. It’s not what I thought it would be, but it is so amazing to experience this fullness and joy alongside grief.
She’s so wonderful. A sweet reminder of what love is supposed to be when we feel like all we had was lost.
I’m so glad she is here. I’m SO glad you have her.
I’m stressed out, too. Every time they say there is “news”, I literally hold my breath.
Girlfriend CAN splash, and she seems quite proud of her accomplishments. 🙂
Those moments! I know them and I never, ever expect them. I’m so very happy Lil is here for you to buy snowsuits for, even 6 months early.
For the record, we bought a snowblower last June and this June, snowboots. Hah.
I totally get the word hope. Every time I buy bigger clothes for Bee I think, oh these are cute, I hope she gets to wear them. I don’t know if a day will come where I don’t think that but that’s the life I live.
P.S. I have the same size problem as you but opposite. My wee lady is wee, she’s just fitting into 3-6 month clothes lol.
I feel like I need to knock on wood when I buy ahead with bigger sizes. And I cherish being able to do it. Just wish all those bigger sizes were hand-me-downs from her sister, you know?
i just found a quote I’d scribbled down in a small notepad in my purse that seems exactly right for this: “When you’re weary, find relief. When you’re strong, find delight.” It sounds so simple, but it helps me get through some of the ebb and flow of grief. Do what you need in the moment, whatever it is.
Thank you, Brooke! Sometimes I just need to give myself permission take care of myself.
If I’m being totally honest (hard as a BLM in situations relating to a living child), being a stay-at-home-mom is really challenging for me at times. They are definitely lonely days.
Some days the one comfort (B), is not comfort enough when my mind is left to wander BECAUSE I’m not being stimulated otherwise. Cleaning up, messes, kid books, storytime all lend themselves to being mundane and allowing our minds to wander, wander, wander. Too much almost.
I loved my job, so it’s even more difficult. But as I said to Elliot even the other day again, it’s not an option for me to leave Benjamin. I can’t. Even though I have multiple worlds I’m pulled between (one in which Andrew were living), it can’t be changed. I love every moment of a growing boy in my house. Yet, the yearning and aching is hard to stop. Especially when driving to and from swim lessons.
Hug to you…
I so totally understand. Boy do I.
I think that if we had family in town (like I was telling Elliot just yesterday), I would love to work part-time– you know, in a perfect world where I actually secured my dream job part-time!
BUT, grandma on either side lives no less than 1,000 miles away. Impossible. Instead of him sharing firsts with our family, it would be him sharing firsts with others. And I have a hard time with that one. I’d love for him to have the nurturing he would get from his grandparents as caregivers and the extra bonding that comes with it, but again, not an option.
We are fortunate that my husband’s job (that moved us 2,000 miles, mind you and the only reason we took it!) allows me to stay at home and live comfortably enough. But I miss the job I fell in love with and worked so hard at, too. The job I tirelessly wrote grants for, created relationships, earned graduate degrees. That job I miss.
Though, the job for me right now is the one in which I nurture my son. Quite possibly the most important student I’ll ever have.
Leaving work was easy for me because I was in the Army knew I didn’t want to make it a career. Staying home with Finn is wonderful and fulfilling enough for me right now. I don’t know if that will always be the case. But two, two is still fun and cute and full of firsts. Even two would be hard to walk away from if I had the dream job.
I’m so glad you have such a supportive partner. It’s a must when making these decisions. And so, SO glad you have something worth staying home for.
Totally agree with everything Brandy said. Sometimes I appreciate that grief waits for me in the shadows. Like “go live your life Caroline, but I’m here when you need me” and I do still need it sometimes. That intense, raw, real grief. Because so much of that is intermixed with the intense, raw, and very real love for my son.
Okay, I admit I am a little jealous of you Canadian ladies who have such a nice maternity leave. And oh how I wish the US system was like that, or even better–Sweden!
My job pays our bills and provides health care, so I didn’t have a choice, but having a comfortable (and part-time!) job to return to was a blessing. I am so thankful to be able to work part time and still feel like I have those stay-at-home-mom days with Bode most of the week. The days do get long sometimes and it is hard to feel that intense need to savor it all. Maybe I will want to work more when Bode’s developmental changes are slower but these first couple of years, the changes are visible on a daily basis and I really don’t want to miss that!
I’m sorry for the constant questions and the lack of an ideal job. Starting a new job is stressful enough without worrying about Lily and all the firsts and just everything, including still grieving that of course is so off of most people’s radar. There is nothing more important than being Lily’s mama. I hope all the nosy questions slow down.
Oh, I don’t want that time to come… the 1 year mark.
The leave is great, but work is stressful, and I too am not looking forward to having to entertain these thoughts – seriously. I have a job waiting for me, but it wasn’t one that I was thrilled to be at in the first place, so going back seems like the last thing I want to do. And once that decision is made.. it’s not like I can poke my head back in at work and ask to come back after 15 months… 18 months … 2 years. My position will just go to my temporary replacement. Ugh. Life.
I’m sorry to hear that the job you were working before didn’t end up being permanent. Especially if it was something that you would have wanted to return to after your leave.
I still don’t know if I’m going back – I too get the question, but weekly at this point (3 months).
Staying home with Lil is the best job. I’m glad you’re able to do that, and soak her up. Every second of her 🙂
I haven’t accepted Andrew’s death either. It feels like betrayal in accepting that. And honestly, I don’t want to accept that losing a child is okay and just. I don’t want to accept that for him. For Benjamin who lost a brother. For my husband who lost a son. For my parents and in-laws who lost their very first grandbaby.
I’ve always been angry about losing Andrew. I couldn’t help it. Not in a violent way, but because I feel so hurt, I wanted others to feel hurt as well. I wondered why someone like me who had my shit together and was a genuinely good person would be dealt the cards I felt that if deserved (though no baby deserves death), it definitely shouldn’t have been me on the receiving end.
It makes me angry that Ava is not here and that you’re serving that life sentence with me and so many other mamas.
For the longest time, I was too sad and too tired to be angry.
But it does make me furious that we’re living this life sentence without those babies we love and want so much.
You can’t rave about this magical stain remover and not share what it is!
My confession: I was sad when Finn went from two to one nap because I got more shit done! Or got to put shit off twice as long.
Stain stick posted!
I dont think anger has been a primary emotion (although it has at times) but it has been a constant for me. I remember being so angry about a week after losing Cale. The first emotions were just sadness and shock. But then I was briefly overcome with a very intense rage about it all. That was when I joined an online support group which helped me not accept what happened, but accept the feelings that would go along with it all, anger included.
Sometimes my anger isn’t about me – I get so mad for Cale, for Finn, for Miles and all they have been robbed off.
Because yeah, a lifetime is so impossibly long to go without them.
I need to know about the stain stick too!
Stain stick posted!
Share the stain stick, you tease!
And yes, I try to make sure that I’m silly with Zuzu everyday, too. She won’t remember if the laundry got folded.
Stain stick posted!
Share that stick!
Cheese croissants. Not sure how that combo works, but I want it. Now.
I see both sides of the nap equation. We can be out all morning… YAY! More time to spend places and not having to hoof it home for naptime. But yeah, I refinished dressers and such while he had two naps. I can barely get the house picked up and emails read/responded before he’s up again now. Though, I do love that little guy.
Stain stick posted!
“I love you enough to wish you weren’t here.”
What a beautiful thought…I never stop wishing we were part of this together. A life sentence…I’ve never thought of it that way, but it really is isn’t it!?!
My anger tends to surface as anger for my boys, for all of our missing babes really, on their behalf, if someone doesn’t acknowledge them, takes a living child for granted…that sort of thing. It also quickly evolves into hurt. I’m not so great at dealing with anger.
Add me to the list of folks who want to know the stain stick secret.
I miss my pregnancy boobs. They were glorious.
Stain stick posted!
Sweet! I’ll have to try that stuff if I can. Ezra emails me from work if there’s ink on his shirt.. He takes stain removal seriously and it must be a priority when he comes through the door!
Pregnancy hair is pretty much the only time I felt like I HAD hair. My hair is so fine and pretty thin to begin with, now that it’s all falling out (again!) I’m legitimately going bald. Blasted hormones!
You know, I REALLY get this. When my son was born (abruptly due to a complete placental abruption) we were staying in a hotel. For about 6 months I couldn’t unpack the overnight bag that held my toiletries. I just set it in the bathroom and used stuff out of it. And then, when he died 7 weeks after he was born, I couldn’t move the book that was on my bedside table. It stayed there for almost a year, until we moved. Like moving it somehow broke a spell.
Rebecca
http://www.lifeaftersids.blogspot.com
I have similar superstitions. Foods I will never eat again…places I will never go again, and things I did with B that I almost want to replicate in every way.
That DVD, as far as I’m concerned, is going to sell your house.
Xo
I have the same issue, there are somethings we got for Bee that I will never use or she will never use but I don’t have the heart to get rid of them, like they hold a super power to her life or something. I also have the same issue with things from the boys (like a friggin diaper bag) I mean they have already passed away and I still can’t part with some particular things.
It looks amazing! Wow!
Of course I love all the renovations. These are some of my favorite posts from people because I love seeing how other people (I know, love and have met!) live.
You guys have great taste and I think the house curb appeal is actually quite lovely. Aside from the obvious sadness, what a cool place to make your own firsts together. Even if firsts mean nonstop remodeling.
Man you guys make a great team. From cute babies to awesome renovations – solid work. I hope the right people find the house – and soon!
So when Stephen and I buy our first house (which will no doubt be a fixer upper) it’s good we know who to call! It looks amazing guys, I have a feeling it won’t be on the market very long.
When I was pregnant with Bear I did all sorts of research on cloth diapers and had every intention of using them. I thought about it again with Bode but then the reality of trudging up and down my treacherous no-railing stairs to an icky basement to move the laundry a couple of times every day made the decision easier. We use disposables. It is the right decision for us. My baby is alive; he is happy; he has never had a diaper rash. No regrets about it.
I did use the more environmentally friendly disposables for the first weeks and wow were they terrible!
We are currently a disposable diaper family too. And my surroundings are the opposite to yours. EVERYONE I know uses disposable. Daniel has 3 sisters all with multiple children and not one of them has even considered cloth. Like, they literally think its insane.
And my few close friends are the same. Pam pers all the way.
We got loads of the P brand when I was pregnant with Alexander, and I really really did want to CD. My mother did it back in the 80s and I’m a bit of a crazy recycling hippie, so I thought FOR SURE I’d be cloth diapering, washing, sorting…all that jazz. But Daniel wasn’t on board, and told me that no one would be able to change diapers but us should we CD.
So then our baby died, but my cloth diapering dreams did not.
But then we had Theo. And newborn poo was our life. And some days (Theodore still does 2-4 pops a day at 4 months old) it still is. And in preparing for him I couldn’t imagine getting set up with CD and not know if he would come home to use them…so yeah…
And we used up all the gifted pamp’s and just kept buying box after box. Sleep depravation is a huge part in my decision to continue to wipe and toss… But I still yearn for a day where he’ll be all big butted with a clothy bum!
I think my mother told me that us gals (me and my sister) we potty trained by 2 years old, and the heaviness of a cloth diaper encourages potty skills, so I was all, “cloth diapering it is then!”
But she told me that my brother was a 100% disposable diaper baby, AND she used a CD service with me and my sis AFTER we were 6 months old and on solids… I didn’t feel so guilty about not following in her footsteps.
I’m surprised you know so many people who do use cloth. While I do think it’s become “trendy” I also think that’s a retarded reason to do anything, especially use cloth. Finn was in disposables for 17 months. Sure it hurts the soul of some environmentalist but he’s not better off now that he’s in cloth – he’s just as happy and just as loved regardless of what catches his poo!
I am a proud disposable diaper user. I don’t ever apologize for it. My first baby died and I’ve been through hell, so if I don’t feel like scrubbing poo out of cloth diapers then I don’t have to. End of discussion!
Don’t let anyone make you feel guilty about it. Don’t they have better things to do with their time????
Oh, and using disposable diapers is “Normal.” As is using the cloth ones. Either way, you’re still changing a bunch of them a day.
I’m a disposable user, too. I feel guilty every time I change his diaper… but the cost of investment (esp if Lil will be the last) is super high. And while I do think the hippies and all your friends are great for their CD skills, I am bothered by how trendy it’s become. Not because it’s become trendy (good thing!), but because there should never be a time us moms condemn one another unless what we’re doing is unsafe for our children. While not environmentally friendly (I tried those diaps too… not the best but I used them for a long time), you’re caring for that baby with everything in you.
You should not feel shamed by that. I’m also surprised, like Caroline, that your friends are such CD peeps! I only have two friends who CD and others who tried but hated it.
Lil is loved. Safe. Cared for. All she needs.
Another disposable diaper user here…I couldn’t let myself plan that far ahead when I was pregnant with Maxwell. After he got here, I was just so thrilled to have a bum to diaper that it hadn’t occurred to me to switch. I make lots of other environmentally friendly choices so I can live with this not so Earth friendly choice.
Yay for cute little bums on our rainbows, no matter what kind of diaper we put on them!
No judgment here. Cloth works for me but I completely understand why it doesn’t work for a lot of people. And I use disposables anytime we travel. I love the idea of cloth being trendy but that is definitely not the case in middle America! I’m the odd hippie out among my local friends.
And truly, the most environmentally friendly thing we could do is to potty-train early. Saving water AND not putting diapers in landfills.
You have at least one nearby friend that is disposing of diapers! I also had dreams of cloth diapering but it just never materialized. I feel disappointed in myself as well but quite frankly, my mental health was/is more important. Think of all the other things you do to environmentally conscious…those count for something.
I am also surprised you only know cloth diapering moms. People I know don’t use them. I know one full time cloth diapering mom, and one 14 time (working fulltime) cloth diapering mom. I don’t like the snobbery that comes with it. I chose to do it to save money so I can stay homewith Ben after my years leave is up. People often turn it into a tree hugger thing, but I think its financial for many. And scraping sh*t isn’t hard but I dunno if I’d brag about doing it.
Oh poor little beag! Little Mac eats at her paws a lot and the vet had us switch her to an all-natural (expensive) dog food that didn’t have corn as an ingredient. To be honest, I don’t think it helped that much.
I laughed a little bit at the idea of him being a “lemon.” He’s lucky to have you.
You’re all saints. I know dogs are great, but I simply can’t do it. We appreciate all the dogs as we walk the trails each day, but when they’re my responsibility and as needy as my 1.5 year old? I’d need loooooots of cocktails at the day’s end.
Jillian is a tyrant. I think I’ll take a year off. Hah.
Yes, they are our messes huh? Roscoe is a bad paw liker too. They say we could have him tested for allergies, but it’s so crazy expensive and when we do try different things (new food, different meds, sprays, etc) it doesn’t really prevent him from attacking his paws from time to time.
Hope Charlie is ok soon! Glad you’re taking a day off 🙂
This news makes me happy!
Oh that’s ok Charlie pup!’ Lots of people take meds every day – I do! 🙂
My dog growing up needed steroids for bad skin most of her whole life. She lived to be 14 and we always figured even if the meds shortened her life a little, it was better to have a good life than be miserable for longer.
I of course can’t write anything about a good, but short life without thinking of our babies. It doesn’t take away the pain of their absence, but I will always be glad they lived good lives being surrounded by love the entire time.
Glad Charlie is feeling better!
There are many times Jillian Michaels has owned me. I gave up on her and switched to Bob. He’s a lot more gentle. As for the lemon pets, our Milo is like that. I rescued him from a cardboard box on the side of a road. He also suffers arthritis and will eventually need to be on pain meds as well. He also has severe allergies (to everything) and asthma. He is in every few months for his allergy shots but it’s getting to the point we have to give him allergy pills everyday or switch to a kitty inhaler (yes they really do make those lol)He also does not tolerate most meds and has cost us a few thousand dollars with all his emergency vet visits. But they are our life right? We’d do anything for them because they were there for us when we needed them to be and continue to be. Love fur babies as well!
-I totally felt guilty putting away Cale’s urn for showings. Ugh.
-When you mentioned your liver scar I thought “I wonder what that looks like” – is that weird? Kinda. No, that’s totally weird. But. . .what’s it look like?
-When I eat ice cream bars I usually put the wrappers in the trash UNDERNEATH other trash. Just in case I want to go back for seconds. Then there’s no evidence of the first time
-I put Finn in a disposable diaper if I think he’s going to have a really gross and/or big poop.
-Just typing something about ice cream makes me want some. It’s almost 10pm.
Hahaha. I loved reading yours and then being lucky enough to get Caroline’s anecdotes as well. 🙂 I totally hide the bad food wrappers.
I would feel guilty about putting away Andrew’s things, too… but I kind of feel that way when I get nervous about people going into the room where his urn is. I feel so exposed. Except you ladies, of course. When there were a few left at night during the BLM hangout weekend, I asked if everyone wanted to move in and hang out with Andrew. 🙂
So happy she’s not allergic to peanut butter! It’s only the very best thing ever!
Wish you lived in the states, too… in Chicago to be exact.
You look like the happiest bride EVER. Also, we got married exactly one week apart. 😉 we are June 2, 2007.
Your joy is absolutely vivid in those photos. Gorgeous.
I can almost feel my cheeks hurting because of how happy you looked. Gorgeous, you guys.
And seriously cool pictures. And I love that you call him MY Matthew. It’s obvious he’s yours… even from the looks on his face.
I am tearing up over here! Such beautiful photos, such beautiful happiness. You and Matt are just amazing together. A true love story.
So beautiful!
I’m so thrilled that Ava is bringing you to a place of belonging and interest. Not a silver lining, but a wonderful connection.
Chicago? Excellent. I’ll get the guest room ready. 😉
I’m so proud to know you, and as a result know Ava. I feel similar about a desire to go into nursing. Like Cale is leading me there.
Can’t wait to see where this lead you in the future.
Texas? Great! See you soon! 🙂
This is great news though, very happy (and a smidge jealous) for you. (Jealous as our house is being rented out after no offers, but we have good renters so I can’t complain much)
Yup. This is amazing. It’s what you should do. I really believe that.
For Ava. For all those who have already needed you, and those poor souls who will need your words in the future.
I think this is incredible. You are and will be such a valuable resource for bewildered and bereaved parents who have nowhere to turn. I’m so sorry that your journey put you in a situation to become a HELLP expert, but I love so much that you can honor Ava by telling her story.
Definitely incredible. I remember you hinting that this might be in your future, and it’s now solidified. I’m honored to be friends with someone so courageous, but I’m mostly thankful you are providing the voice and knowledge for other women who have or will undergo such a horrible experience.
For Ava indeed. What an incredible tribute to your firstborn baby girl.
What an incredible opportunity!
Your words will be a voice of hope, encouragement, and knowledge for the women and families who will unfortunately find themselves in situations similar to yours.
I was physically nauseous when I read the “expired” comment. I’m dumbfounded that he couldn’t put it in a more compassionate way. I mean, he actually found a way to make the most painful statement of your life even more painful. I’m so sorry!
I don’t even have words. Only tears. I can’t even imagine having to fight to live while going through losing your sweet girl. You are a strong woman. I’m so happy you made it, and so heartbroken Ava did not.
So exciting! I hope this work of heart is all that you hope it will…a wonderful tribute to your sweet girl, a resource for others and generally a really cool thing.
So very proud of you my dear freind!
That is so great and such an honor for you, Ava and your whole family.
Oh girlfriend. I do this all the time! This is technically my third pregnancy (past 7 weeks… then it would be 4…) and I can hardly remember which boy and now I have a third baby to throw in the mix. Talk about confusing.
I don’t have Andrew’s picture out on display. Not because he’s not damn beautiful, but because we’re private people and I prefer him being more sacred to me. But I don’t need to explain… you understand. We love, adore, acknowledge, and have pieces of him all over our home. He’s in photo albums in plain sight as well. But when I open them, or the flip album I made for Benjamin with all his family members in it, I’m always taken aback by his features. Really, was his nose that much smaller than Benjamin’s? They share the same lips… etc. But I forget. I forget a lot and it makes me so sad.
As if our guilt and grief weren’t enough. Our memory fails us just as our bodies did. :/
Had to add… the other day I was trying to figure out how long Benjamin was at birth because he’s grown to 32.5 inches. I wanted to find the difference to see what he’s grown in 18 months. Except, I couldn’t remember his birth stats. He and Andrew were mixed.
In some ways, I LOVED that. Andrew’s stats matter to me and like most parents of multiple children, mixing your kids and numbers/experiences up is the norm. We never get to do that in regular life and it sort of gave me a twinge of delight.
I love that your boys’ birth stats get mixed up. It is just how it should be in a world surrounded by things not as they should be.
To echo what Brandy said – I have moments where I mix up the boys and the pregnancies and I LOVE it because it’s so very “normal mom” ish to do. But yes, sometimes these details just aren’t as crisp and it scares me. When my nephew was born last month and I sat with him for the first time – it hit me hard. It was like I was trying to will him to be Cale. I wanted to study his features and his weight and memorize it all again. But he wasn’t my Cale. I couldn’t get back that moment and I just wish I could – because I feel I need to re-learn him all over.
I don’t know that you forgot how perfect Ava was but rather seeing her little face again, you were taken aback yet again with her perfection. In the same way, we do not forget how delicious Lily and Bode are, but I really am taken aback multiple times every single day when I look at Bode’s face and see his gloriousness.
You don’t need a passport to fly to Halifax, so I am a little confused. But I learned a lesson… Take Ben to get his passport before he can move around on his own!
I know what you mean about it surprising you. But then I’m not surprised. When I need my tribe – they always come through. Always.
PS – just clicked “phone Germany from USA” not because I need to, but because maybe that will get you closer to a starbucks 🙂 If only I could join you for one!
Thank you Caroline! I wish we could meet for coffee too! You are the best!
Not sure how I missed this one, but Lordy. You know I know this all too well.
I was thinking the same… feeling stressed reading this and then thinking… wait… that’s a ticket to fly.
On a plane.
With a baby.
Who doesn’t want to be tied down.
We’re making two 4.5 hour plane trips in the next 1.5 months. That’s 18 hours of in-flight time. With a very mobile little person who is also very vocal and now hits.
I hear ya!
Oh God, trust me I am TERRIFIED to fly with Bee. I hate flying to begin with! The thought of being caught with Bee in a plane for 5 hours, not fun!
I was thinking about this idea just last night–looking at little shoes by the back door. I’m so glad our house is cluttered with little things.
I have goosebumps thinking about and loving all the little things, including all the ones making my house a disaster.
I have goosebumps thinking about and loving all the little things, including all the ones making my house a disaster.
Little bit of truth: I hate cleaning sippy cups. But hell. I’d clean 100 everyday just out of gratefulness.
I have struggled with this– not just her birthday but the kid-centric holidays like Halloween and Christmas. It is difficult and I wish I had an answer for you. I think I threw myself into party details as a way to cope, but I’ve had the opposite reaction, too–like last Halloween when I didn’t get her a costume at all and just put a pumpkin hat on her and called her a pumpkin. I do remember telling myself that I had all the time in the world to feel sad about Eliza and only one day to celebrate Caroline turning one. That didn’t make it easier, necessarily, but it did help me focus on how grateful I was and how much I wanted to share my happiness with Zuzu with my friends and family.
And yeah, mostly you’re a sobbing mess for a while and then you pull it together in time.
And DON’T worry about the details. Some people enjoy that stuff (or channel their grief into cutting out cardstock rainbows) and some people don’t. All anyone will remember from her party is how sweet Lily is.
I definitely was in the camp Brooke mentioned – where I literally spent months working on party prep for Finn because that’s just how my grief took me. Sure, I was excited about his birthday, but his birthday is SO close to Cale’s and so that time of year is hard. But I didn’t want it to be so I went a little crazy in party mode.
I remember talking to Renel about this. Of course, as you know, sweet Harlow couldn’t have cake for her first birthday and I LOVED Renel’s attitude – “fuck the cake, I’m just happy she gets to celebrate her birthday!”
I know you get that. And I know you still would like her to have something special. But special doesn’t have to be big. one little cupcake or cake, and a happy birthday song. She will be SO very celebrated by all of us for what an incredible year it has been and how thankful we are all that she is here.
My grief took me in the party-planning direction, too. I connected Andrew’s birthday with Benjamin’s so vividly that I wanted this to be the time I got to celebrate. And I wanted Andrew to be involved (baptism at our house on birthday like his brother’s).
But I definitely crashed a little post-party. It was almost too emotional… if that makes sense. I planned it all to be so, and I was emotionally drained and sad about so many things related to Andrew.
It’s not about the odds and ends, but I know I can’t tell you that. You want your children to be celebrated and yet it doesn’t feel quite right.
Why doesn’t it? Well, for so many reasons. Starting with how her older sister will not be present… didn’t have her own party…
It’s very emotional. Hugs to you…
I definitely feel this about Bode’s birthday (and other holidays too) and it is so hard to explain how overjoyed I am that he is here every single moment and how bittersweet the celebrations feel. And like you, I hate that Bode has a mama who feels bittersweet towards anything regarding him because he simply brings such joy into our lives just for being him.
Unlike the others, I have not gone the party planning route. Our tiny house is not made for entertaining and our friends are spread far and wide. We will spend Bode’s actual birthday just us. And our celebration with Kirk’s family is a combined party for the fall birthdays as Grandma is turning 60 three days prior and cousin and auntie are 10 and 30 a couple weeks later. I feel a little bad about not throwing an awesome bash, but the combined family party takes the pressure and focus off of us a little and that feels easier. My party goal is to make great desserts. 🙂 And we’ll celebrate with my family a week later during a trip to Oregon, also lowkey and combined with a nephew’s birthday and my grandparents 70th anniversary!
Whatever you do for Lil, Ava will be right there with you. Party or not, I know without a doubt that Lily and Bode (and Zuzu, Finn, Benjamin, and all the rainbows in our tribe) will always know how much they are loved and celebrated!
This is very exciting! I too get emails quite frequently from new mom’s who have lost babies to HELLP. It is great that you will have a book out there for them to find. And I really hope that it will make people and their doctors more aware of it.
(I can’t remember if I’ve commented on your blog before, I think I did maybe but then lost you in the blogger change, but I am friends with Brooke and she told me about your book. If you need any other stories or input, I would be more than happy to help.)
Melissa- you remember the email I sent out completely breaking down just prior to Harlow’s birthday wishing with every stitch and each detail that I had gotten to do something for Camille. Our party was very small. I sent out 7 invitations. Seriously. 3 families and 2 individuals came. Our party was to celebrate but for us it was intimate. Only those very close to us because I needed for us and her to be surrounded by people who loved her and knew our struggle and how thankful she was here regardless of that struggle.
So yes I understand how you are feeling. That email I sent out was me as a total sobbbbing mess. We know you love Lillian with all your heart regardless of your decorations. It’s so hard because we wish we got this with our other daughter and we didn’t. I get it. I guess some of it is trying to make up for that other first birthday We didn’t get to throw. For us we also had to be extra creative because of our situation but… A baby feels loved when surrounded by those that love them. Get someone to take a photo of you kissing her on her birthday. It will tell a thousand love stories. Sending you a giant hug my friend.
I’m slowly working on getting Bee to sleep in and take a good afternoon nap. Though, I still go out in the morning and she just naps in the car for right now. But one day, one day we’ll be able to get together and not have naps in the way!
Super exciting – congrats guys! I would love to build a house one day.
Yay, that sounds awesome! I can’t wait for pictures
Congratulations! Please lots of pictures.
Oh, I can’t wait to see all of this. So exciting. It’s like my friend is having a real house-hunters renovation but even better!
Congrats. Awesome news.
I did a whole lot of faking it. Though I also did a lot of crying in public so I guess I wasn’t faking it very well.
We all do what we can to get through loss. I don’t think there’s any right way.
So blurry. You have such a unique (and horrific!) experience. I’m so glad people are asking you questions, you are speaking out, and writing a book!
Whatever you can remember, even a little, will help others.
I get asked that still… and I still have no answer for what I did. I remember what I did, but I’m not sure it’s accurate. Much like I still wake up shocked this is my life.
It’s alsmost like those few days/weeks are more composed of shock than grief. Obviously there is intense grief, but the shock of these horrific losses takes over initially. I did a lot of faking it, but I think that’s because the gravity of it all hadn’t fully digested in those first few days.
Melissa, this took my breath away. I just hadn’t thought fully enough about the extent of the physical trauma and scars after what you’ve endured. I am so glad to hear that you feel strong now, even as you acknowledge the ways your body reminds you daily of the agony you’ve been through.
I hate when people say we are strong for surviving, when it is much more about luck and medical/biological fact that we wake up and keep going each day. And still, I just want to say that I admire you for taking the risk of another pregnancy, for wanting another chance so badly that you went for it, even knowing what could happen.
Brooke,
Thank you for your response. I cannot understate enough how RUINED HELLP leaves a person. I am writing about it in detail right now and that is what spurred this entry. I remember being so weak my 4 pound netbook kicked my butt because I picked it up too quickly.
It was a risk. 10-15 percent chance of HELLP once again were the numbers we worked with. I had the same chance of rain on my wedding day (and it rained!) My ability to take a leap was simply for the fact I could not stay where we were one moment longer. It was either take the leap and risk my life OR run far away and change everything about our life. We figured the latter was always an option if our second chance didn’t work.
We had an apartment lined up in Germany.
Very glad we didn’t need it.
–Melissa
Oh mama. You just went through so much. I mean, yes, we all do to an extent – every mother who has carried a child has a forever changed body. But the surgeries and the drastic measures taken to save your life – it’s so much. I remember people commenting after we lost Cale that “you don’t even look like you had a baby!” They meant it as a compliment. It wasn’t. I wanted to look like I had a baby. I had zero appetite and grief just shed off the pounds for me. I didn’t do any of the work. So if I couldn’t have my baby, could I at least still have a physical reminder of him? Which I had for awhile (until this pregnancy actually) with the lina-negra. Did you get that with your girls? I had it with Cale and it didn’t go away before getting pregnant with Finn, then lasted well over a year after him and slowly started to fade which made me so sad. (also makes me wonder if this baby is a girl since it’s the first pregnancy I don’t have it?)
Anyway, not to ramble on about me. I can relate to an extent with how hard it is to want our bodies to change, but then to have a hard time when they do. And then I can’t relate at all because you just went through so much. And I, too, am just glad you survived.
That is a big deal. Major progress!
I knew you’d been through so much I still don’t know about, but I had no idea you had experienced and continue to feel such acute physical pain. Emotional and physical pain together in one horrid little package that haunts you.
I know I tell you this a lot, but I think it’s so important you’re talking about this. For others to glean from your knowledge and daily struggles is invaluable to them. And I’m so happy I am learning from you.
You are brave…but I don’t care about the pounds…I still think Ava and Lil’s mama is one lovely individual with so much to offer.
Two more things…
So glad you didn’t need that German apartment.
And just to carry with Caroline’s conversation, I also had the lines negra and was sad when it began to fade. It was my connection to Andrew,
With respect to you nd our different experiences (though ultimately the loss of both our children), I wanted to say that I couldn’t drive by the hospital for man months after Andrew died. It’s on a main thoroughfare in our town and one I use(d) all the time. I’d go out of my way avoiding it.
Benjamin was born in the same hospital as we chose to do…but I remember breaking down as we entered the hospital just before delivering Benjamin and reliving the moment I walked in just before hearing the words that my son was dead.
You are very brave.
I even struggle driving by (eyes on the road) the place we picked up Andrew’s ashes. Gah.
I can’t believe you’re cooking through a pack and move! You are my hero. Even I pack up the kitchen first. 😉
This whole busy and regimented routine thing… it happens around that age and never stops. Just what we’ve been through as my only understanding, but we MUST have a plan for each day, otherwise I want a cocktail by 3 p.m.
If you want my totally un-expert recommendation, I would consider having something on the calendar for each day of the week. It makes your day so much less mundane, and since she’s already on one nap, it should make it easier to plan these events. Even if these events mean “go to the mall” or whatever. Just to get out. Have it in writing, because the hardest thing for me personally as a SAHM is seeing a blank day. Makes me crazy, since I was such a busy, organized, and ambitious professional. I just can’t believe I have full days that might include staying home all day and looking forward to dinner!
I hear ya. You aren’t alone. On the grief front either.
Wishing your very special rainbow baby a happy first birthday on this very special day
Happy birthday sweet Lillian! We hope for many many more. xoxo
That Keleen, she’s so wise 😉 in all seriousness though I am SO glad you felt it too! Such a heavy burden to carry, I know it’s not gone, but that it got even a little lighter is totally incredible.
Such a big day, happy birthday Lil from your favorite auntie in WA (right? I mean do I have any competition cause ill totally fight for that title)!
Love all the pictures, love the balloons behind her high hair (awesome touch), the rainbow theme and most of all I love that you can see grown up Lil in her baby face. Xoxo
I think it’s both. You letting go a little and joy sinking in more. You deserve that.
Hoping for many, many more.
The cutest little dress that ever was. No doubt.
Proud of you for letting go. Somewhere around a year, I did the same. Isn’t it incredible we got a whole year? Like, PLEASE give us more, but wow… did we really get that much time?
Ava won’t have to find you. She’ll move in right along side of you, to the rental and then into your new home.
I agree with Julie. She won’t have to find you. She’s with you always.
I have many of those same thoughts… especially about the things we had to put away and staring at them for so long. That’s much of the reason why I hate our carseat. It was in the car before Andrew died and then he died and we had to rid our car of it. And eventually B got to use it, but I still hated the carseat itself. I’d buy a new one for this coming (hopefully!) baby, but I’m too cheap. I’ll probably just hope for those first 8+ months to go by fast and transition into a convertible seat and burn it to hell.
So many little goodbyes.
Ha. Agree with Brandy, I want a new seat…. But am too cheap.
I had a hard time moving. I didn’t want to escape my house. I still miss it. But we found out today we are moving back to Georia, where Cale (and Finn) were born, and that makes me feel a little closer, though he’s come with us. To Texas and everywhere. And always will. Literally and figuratively. But, it’s still hard, so I empathize. She’s with you mama. Rest assured.
I’m very excited to read about all you do!
We also love brick, but have never lived in/owned a brick home. Aluminum siding is still sexy, right? Hah.
I find it totally daunting (yet thrilling!) to make so many decisions. I’ve never had to decide much other than paint colors and positions of furniture. This would probably stress me out. I can’t wait to see your KITCHEN! You know me. Hah.
Oh wow, choosing all that stuff at once makes my brain feel like exploding. But also? Awesomesauce. Can’t wait to see more!
It’s so true the grief waits. It waits and it lurks. I’m sorry it’s been rough, but glad you got some time with her, some release.
And poor Charlie! Roscoe gets a little overwhelmed too on occasion – when Finn was born, miles family came out to visit and his sister had at the time two crazy children (now has three) and Roscoe broke out in hives from the constant noise and chaos!
Totally lurks. I’m not even going to pretend that pregnancy again is making the grief any easier. As if I’m not already an emotional wreck. Blegh.
I laughed at the cat comment. Totally not a cat person, but I grew up with hoards of them (my mom, the hoarder and rescuer) so I have lots of experience. 🙂
So sorry grief snuck up. I spent lots of time breaking down today. Dang.
Good luck. I’m grateful that you are there representing so many of us.
Wishing you all the best! You have such wonderful presence that I doubt you’ll struggle with proper etiquette. 🙂
But still nerving… so wishing you peace and all the right words.
Lots if love and luck (not that I think you will need it)! Can’t wait to hear all about it.
Can’t wait to hear how it goes. Very proud of Ava and her mommy.
Sending you strength and love xoxo
Ok now I see what I missed! Good luck although I know you will do wonderful <3 Wishing you lots of calm nerves.
She is so gorgeous. I love it when you get a photo that captures the essence of their little personalities.
I also love that Lillian is totally the exception to the generic newborn–she looked exactly like herself on the day she was born!
Absolutely beautiful 🙂 C
Xo
I can’t decide which picture I love more! I LOVE her sheer joy as Dadda throws her in the air, love Ava’s tree, the love so clearly shown in her parents smiles. Swoon. I just love them all.
Looks like a great date night! The simple things really are the best 🙂
Those nachos are making me drool
OMG I want those nachos all of them right now.
I want those nachos right now, too. I COULD eat the whole plate. With that homemade guac. Dude.
I think these are some of the best and most memorable date nights. <3
And I know I’m the only (gross) person out there, but I love cheap foods like ramen and quesadillas. Seriously love them! While I love a nice dinner out with wine and dessert, I’m also so happy with a takeout burrito (or homemade) and something as simple as nachos.
Cheers to you guys and all this! And big cheers to not having any obligations to fix in this house!
I really think she is getting more and more beautiful as she gets older (I think the same of B so maybe this is a trend. Hah).
I am so thankful you have her to talk about Ava with. <3
Brandy isn’t the only gross one. I could easily dive into some “college food” – mmmm, nachos. And a movie? Perfect date night to me!
I sincerely suspect that she is. Just was we all are so proud of you. Glad 50 people will walk away able to better cope and help with another’s grief. Think if they just help one or two others along the way…. Well, you (and Ava) have done good, my friend.
It was an honour to share that space – I have so much love for you, Ava, Matthew and Lillian. You’re my inside my heart forever, a marked place on my journey. While it’s tragic we became friends under such circumstances, I thank Ava everyday for bringing you into my life. I am blessed to have you as my friend, as much as she is to have you as her mother. xo
I’m so glad you wrote all this. I could visualize you up there and feel just how important this was. Ava is impacting so many lives through her beautiful mama. I’m so happy to hear Matthew was there and that Ava was present giving you courage.
This is so amazing to read, Melissa. I admire the way you honor Ava by speaking for all of us who have lost our babies, and I’m so glad to hear that these women wanted to learn how to help people cope with this tragedy.
Oh, I’m so glad Charlie got home safely! Bless his little heart.
Little Mac has been having serious paw licking going on also. My mom’s vet recommended giving her half a Benadryl in some cheese, which seems to help.
We use a hot spot hydrocortizone spray for The areas Roscoe tends to lick the worst. It’s only temporary, but seems to help for a little bit.
Also, adding peppermint icecream to the list! Haven’t had it in years. Mmmm
The one I love is a Presidents Choice (probably Canadian) and has peppermint candy came and chunks of dark chocolate. It is a staple in our house this time of year. I am almost glad you can’t buy it year round.
That particular tub of ice cream is celebrated every year when it hits store. By my brother especially. He does a huge count down and FB post when it finally hits the shelves. Loved it as a teen, and still love it now.
Kindred spirits for sure~ I frigging LOVE PC candy cane ice cream. Actually, almost all of their ice creams from their “shop” are gourmet and delicious. But I am trying not to be 1349425 lbs. ha. 🙂
So glad Charlie is home. And really not sure why your blog posts aren’t showing up on my feedly?
Love this. I like to think it was her there, in that room, too. Rooting for you to present your story, to present what should and should not be said.
And never doubt it has affected more than the 50 people in that room. Without a doubt each of those people has gone on to tell their co-workers and friends and some family too. So the 50 who have heard has multiplied fivefold at least.
So proud of you. Ava absolutely is, too. xox
I friggin love nachos.
And your cheap nights are basically my ideal nights. I love dinners out but I equally love sitting on the couch eating my dinner (I’m one of those) and slurping on pop from the fridge. lol 🙂
Hoping the day passes and is kind. And the night is even kinder.
I had no idea you were such a rockstar! And a full house on your first meeting!
That wholeness is a very special feeling and it’s amazing how these rainbow babes manage to provide us with it. They sure are something else.
I hear ya. And I’m totally impressed that she says “PEAS.” Zuzu still has no manners. It’s like she’s being raised by wolves.
We get “peas” but more in a begging, “GIVE IT TO ME NOW OR I WILL SCREAM!” kind of way. ha. 🙂
One year olds are so temperamental. I find getting out of the house impossible. ha 🙂
Her language is exceptional for her age, IMO.
But all that aside… I have that same kid. From about the same age and still just as demanding. It’s totally exhausting. And I’m still that chick who is pregnant again (and terrified of having two children at home but MORE terrified of not…). I really am nervous how I will manage them both when some days Benjamin makes me wish I took up alcoholism.
But you know, it’s crazy with these babies. Some nights I’m practically counting the minutes (or daytime to naptime!) until bedtime. But by morning, I can’t wait to squeeze him… all the crazy baby, tantrums in public places, kicking his shoes off, and hitting nonstop. GOODNESS.
These kids. I love them and they drive me up the wall. You’re not alone. Not even a little bit.
Oh, and we DID make it to the market this morning after chasing him all over the house and dealing with a tantrum and screaming just to put on his coat.
Got to the market and he downright refused to be put anywhere in that cart. So I got to carry my 21-month old all through the market to get all my groceries at 7+ months pregnant.
Yep.
And then we went to a playhouse and I didn’t take his coat off because I didn’t want to deal with having to put it back on. Haha. So what if he was a little toasty.
12-18 months was hard for me. The tantrums and the inability to communicate – it’s tough. Finn took two naps until 18 months which some people find annoying, but I needed! (He did too hence the two – he self phased to one nap at 18 months) but good Lord, I needed the break from the terrorist.
And I second Brandy about sometimes thinking alcoholics are really on to something!
Before I even read the caption I thought “digger!” Can’t wait to show Finn in the morning! Twenty bucks says he will ask to watch a “digger bideo” after 🙂
Congrats on the ground breaking. Where can I get one of those ADORABLE winter babies? She is too cute!
This is SO exciting! I’m excited to see everything take shape. Love Lil in her red coat and cozy hat!
“See dat digger! Ride dat digger!!” -F 🙂
Finn I adore you!! I will make sure we get lots of digger pictures as the build continues.
lol at Finn. too adorable. 🙂
We stopped for Gas in St. Thomas on our way home from Michigan- is that where you guys live? I always forget!
Gah!! Yes!!! Ack! Next time email me I will meet you wherever. Even just a quick hug!
I think I’m more excited about seeing the process of your house than I am about YHL’s renovations.
I love Finn. See dat digger. Ride dat digger.
Man, I am SO excited for Benjamin to get excited about diggers. So far we are only obsessed with all farm equipment by calling them trucks.
Breaking ground is big! Things are going to start moving very quickly I presume. I cannot wait to see all the details!
Looks great! These choices would be so hard for me. I love your taste. Can’t wait to see it come together.
I’m very excited about this kitchen! I absolutely love our deep drawers and hope you love your new ones, too. You WILL find random toys in them… just a forewarning. Not like I don’t smile everytime I see a LEGO piece in there. 🙂
Love the crown molding and how you chose cabinets to the ceiling. So nice and bonus… no dust collection area! This is going to be a beautiful kitchen.
Dat Digger was way cool. 🙂
I appreciated your design, but I usually don’t get around to reading blog posts until the kiddo is sleeping… and I commented on both…and now this!
I totally know what you mean, though. When I write DIY posts, they almost never get comments. But Brooke is apparently the next YHL because hers are always flooded with love. I see my place in the world is not in design blogging. Hahah.
I almost never comment, but I’m awake unable to sleep and you are here so here is my love. I love you no makeup playing I’m the dirt, your kitchen will always come in second. Haha I do however, appreciate all your hard work!
Brandy is right. Dat Digger is pretty cool! 🙂 going to check out your kitchen now.
Your breakfast area and kitchen look MASSIVE! So jealous. I want to build a house one day and be overwhelmed with these choices!
Ha. I do love the kitchen but I read on my phone while nursing… reading easier than commenting. 🙂
For us, an attached garage is more important than bedrooms. 🙂
Looking fancy!!! Things are about to get REAL.
Exciting! Will they have to stop for a while when the ground freezes? How long does that last for?
I don’t know if you had a chance to check out Andrew’s digs (gawd), but we ordered from Etsy and absolutely LOVE the urn we chose. These are created by an artist and Etsy has quite a few that are not so dead looking… more alive and actually beautiful. I love that ours was handcrafted and not cranked out of a warehouse. I love the artist’s little signature on the outside and the overall beauty. It beats the crap out of the stupid mini heart we chose at the funeral home 3 days after he died that he didn’t fully fit in– requiring we’d have that white box with his name oddly placed and typed in typewriter font.
Being that Ava is a girl, I don’t know your full interest/design, but just wanted to share the artist who did ours… a little pricey but might make for a nice 3rd birthday tribute. http://www.etsy.com/listing/94522046/porcelain-keepsake-urn-galaxy?ref=listing-shop-header-1
We have had the same condo about keeping Jack’s ashes with us. I can’t bare to let them go. We’ve spoken in length about the time at which either I or Scott passes away, buying an enormous urn, where the first of us parents to die will lay at the bottom, then Jack’s ashes on top until the last of us goes. Then burying it so Grace and her siblings don’t have to deal with it.
That comes off as so morbid, but you know what I mean, right? It makes me feel better to know he’s not alone… Not that that’s easier necessarily given all cremation entails, but still.
bah.
This is such a shit reality.
xox
We are the same as Laura in that if one if us were to die young, Cale would be placed with that parent. We want like a headstone so there’s a family plot but we will be cremated like Cale. For now, his urn resides on the dresser in our bedroom. When he died we didn’t know what to do but knew that Georgia wasn’t ” home” so he wouldn’t stay there. Being in an urn gave us the time to figure out that for how, he just needs to be home with us.
We actually ordered a “keepsake” urn which is a small version of one that’s for an adult. I didn’t like and if the kid ones the funeral home had and sadly it’s not like a baby takes up much space so the keepsake worked out just fine. But, it is more boy-ish in my opinion.
Glad you guys came to a comfortable (for now) decision on what’s right for you and for Ava.
xo
So exciting! We have covered parking at the new house and it’s a HUGE deal (even though our garage is not attached). Love it.
I dig your style Mama! sometimes people need to just back of and let the little ones be!
Everyone always comments on how “serious” Bode is in public. It took facetime for my SIL to see how goofy he is at home with just us.
Kirk has found interesting things about introverts on reddit that describe well how it takes energy to be in public and extroverts gain energy from others.
It is so important for me that people see babies as their own people for Bode’s sake but more because I need for Bear and Ava to be recognized as their own people.
We also found Bear’s box on etsy and it is a little wooden heart box that we both love. His ashes fit perfectly and it feels so nice to hold. We also talk about when one of us dies, we would want our ashes put with Bear’s. xoxo
B gets lots of “serious” comments, too. He is who he is!
You hit the nail on the head. This post could have been about G. For what’s it worth, I think the lady’s an idiot too.
I don’t know if this is at all your style, but I immediately thought of Ava when I saw this. http://thevintagepearl.com/sweetheart-jewelry-box.html
This is Bear’s heart box: http://www.etsy.com/listing/79564791/cherry-wooden-heart-box-with-custom?ref=sr_gallery_7&ga_search_query=wooden+heart+box&ga_view_type=gallery&ga_ship_to=US&ga_ref=auto3&ga_search_type=all
Thank you Julie! I love it! I am going to run it by Matt.
Oh, those goodies would’ve been gone STAT at my house. I hosted a tea party for friends 1.5 weeks ago and had cookies coming out of my ears at the end. I proceeded to finish off ALL of them (boxes!) in a week. Yeah…
I know the space is small for now, but you’re so close to having your dream home!
February is coming and I’m thinking of your sweet Ava. I know you guys will find ways to remember her at Christmas. I love that candle setup Molly has at the dinner table. Makes me think about getting one for Andrew.
That is a beautiful tree! I don’t think I have ever seen ribbon placed lengthwise like that! If we had an inch of space left on our monstrosity of a tree I would steal the idea! Love Ava’s ornament.
I don’t think Andrew is an angel either. I don’t refer to him as one and don’t really care for those that do… but I guess it’s more of a symbol of peace that I am okay with. It’s such a beautiful ornament and represents calm and love and peace… maybe? I like to consider that anyway.
Glad you’re getting traditions in (and even better with Ava and Lil’s grandparents!). I wish my parents were closer to do such things. In fact, I’d forego a tree altogether (happily) if they were close and we could just decorate theirs.
She’s such a doll and can come help me decorate anytime
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Way to rock 2013, Matthew!!
US congress…. Argh! It’s just one thing after another with them.
So glad 2013 brought us together. Hoping 2014 is just loaded with joy for all of you.
xo
I think Matt deserves an award. From the little time I’ve spent with him, I really liked him. And to be such a great father and husband AND build a kitchen? I mean…
I laughed at your favorite purchase. Hah. Sound machine. The little things that truly make quality of life even better.
As always, Ava.
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I went from numb to sobbing and back and forth. It all just sucks without them doesn’t it?! With Ava’s birthday coming, I expect that bite on the ass is coming soon. Ugh.
I love the picture of Lil and the bell on Ava’s tree. If only she was playing with Ava instead of her tree. Ps Mason and Lil are cut from the same cloth…faster, higher, more…we’re screwed 😉
66 days?!? Whoop whoop! Someday, I want to see it for real. Frosty mugs not from the freezer? Not okay. I miss Ava too, like really. xoxo
Thanks to some sweet post partum hormones, I’m rocking some acne like a 15 year-old. It’s great for my self-esteem.
Send Charlie south for the winter. I’ll look after him
I was fairly numb, as you know. It doesn’t help that I just wished Andrew a “happy birthday” in heaven like we’ve been doing now far too long… but then being pregnant and scared.
Can’t believe we live this. :/
Oh, hooray for that house countdown. Bring. it. Other things with countdowns can suck. it.
Yeah, Benjamin had sleep regression, but luckily it doesn’t last long. I wish your beautiful Lil lots of sleepy, calm nights in the future. For your sake. 🙂
wow. i do wonder what that woman’s story was. but in a way it is nice to think that even 50 yrs from now, i will still feel the pain of losing Julius. my fear is that i might forget…
C’mon March. I know that will be helpful and somewhat healing for you to have that space and a new home for your family.
Ava is with you always. She’s a part of this “new” life you have. It’s beautiful and heartbreaking.
I wish three was a reflection of all that you’ve had with her and not all that you’ve missed out on.
checking out the Braveheart blog – makes me sad to think of all the mama’s that will want/need to attend, but so happy they will find you there.
you write so beautifully. though i wish this post was all about the spirited little girl Ava would have been instead of how you will get through her birthday without her.
Three seemed like such a biggie.I wish she could be here with her little sister annoying her all the time. 🙁
<4
<4 > <3, obviously. lol
I freaking LOVE the big dining room fixture but they are all gorgeous. That’s a daunting task to choose them all at once, though sometimes I think decisions are easier when you don’t have too much time to second guess yourself. Nicely done.
I agree with Brooke. It’s sometimes easier when it’s done quick. We saw our house (and 6 others) and put in an offer that day. No turning back. And we love it.
Your light choices are fantastic! Very chic.
Being from Cali, I’m totally amazed (even in my own backyard in Chicago!) that they build in the winter. Seems so much slower, but considering these photos, they are doing an excellent job! So excited for you guys. How many days now? I feel like you need to update with a number on these posts so we can get excited with you and cheer you on with only being in a small place for a certain number of days more. 🙂
Beautiful. I love love love the dining room fixture. 🙂
We haven’t changed out the lights in our house- they’re fine as is (for now). The ones that are bothering me the most are the “boob” lights in the hallways- I hate them. I actually started looking for alternatives online since I would want to replace them all at once. We will see! 🙂
Can’t wait to see this gorgeous house when it’s all done. Two months seems totally soon (however the next month seems like a long stretch! lol)
Where’s the guest room?? 🙂
Ah, ok I see guest room. Im ready for a trip to Canada!
Anytime! We would love to have you and your entire family! Give Mary a nuggle for me.
Hah. I love Caroline. I think it’s great to own it. Let’s be real… life doesn’t always work out perfectly and dates might shift, but I am hopeful for you guys. And that date correlating to Ava’s due date? Butterflies.
Ah, the chicken pox vaccine. We also vaccinate (same reason… hello babyloss).
I vividly remember my mom infecting me by making me stay close to my brother who caught chicken pox just so I would get it and be done with it. Isn’t it crazy how times change?
We had the delayed fever after MMR. It sucked. I try to also remind myself that fever is the body’s natural way to fight crud but wow, it is so hard not to worry ourselves crazy. I’m glad your Opa helped you this time.
Yup, only vaccine we had any reaction to was Chicken Pox, it was almost immediate for Grace, I think that same day or the next? Can’t remember now.
Fevers suck, and as Mama Bear (:)) said, they are supposed to be a “good” thing.. They are just hard to watch. 🙁
Ya know I kinda am annoyed that vaccines are such a hot topic and somewhat political. I just don’t understand how, when we live in a polio free society, people can not vaccinate their children.
Anyway, I’m glad she’s doing better. Miles is always of the “swear it out” mindset. It always kinda baffles me and seems counterintuitive, but ya know what – it always gets rid of his fever quickly when he does get one (which is rare) and he’s a very healthy guy. I always wash everything he touches when he’s all nasty and sweating on everything – seriously he puts a beanie, sweatshirt, sweatpants, pulls his hood up over the beanie and wraps in a blanket. Looks like an idiot but it seems to work! Go figure.
I really feel like the people who express the need to “have faith”, don’t say these things as if they’re letting go after years and years of desperate needing and worry. I feel it’s just the way they were raised, and in turn, feel like all things will work out, and no major tragedies or life changing instances will cross their children’s path (either?). I don’t feel they were rocking themselves in the corner of their child’s room, up with worry that for some reason their child would be taken from them by death. And if they were, it was an abstract fear that dissolved as their child continued to live and grow.
My parenting can be – most days – completely saturated by my need for Theo to just keep living. When I have help at night from Daniel’s mother… I still wake on the hour and check the camera to make sure he’s breathing. I still ask her to turn on the angelcare even though she’s in the same room. I am still afraid that he will stop breathing, and the amount of apologizing and assuming everything would always be ok from the party present at his time of death will haunt me forever. I should have been there. Yes, I need sleep. But I need my child to outlive me, more. … And to think of such a reality is twisted, and seared in grief. I’m sorry Theo.
I hope with time and my own “good faith”, my desperate need for him will melt together with my love.. and not be felt as overbearing or suffocating.
All this being said, I think you’re a wonderful mother to Lillian.
I have these same worries about my fears conflicting with Zuzu’s independence as she gets older. It’s scary to know we can’t control the circumstances that happen when they aren’t with us–although we also know first hand that we can’t really control the circumstances that happen when they ARE with us. No advice here–just fighting the good fight with you.
We’ve been having discussions about how my fear and worry could negatively impact the girls. I know I need to dial it back a bit, but I just can’t help it. I’m terrified something may happen to them. Like you, a fever sends me into a fear frenzy of irrational thoughts and actions. I hope that my love for them overshadows my crazy fears, and it’s the good that they take from me.
Yes to all of this.
Yep. Same thing here. Not that you’d be surprised all us BLMs literally feel the aching NEED to have these children. Benjamin saved me from dying while alive. I swear. While it’s nice having Claire and she’s done a lot for my healing (and nearly adding another loss… so conflicted), Benjamin saved me. In a way that cannot be described. Andrew is still a sore piece of my heart and longing, but Benjamin brought me out of my own grave to exist and love again.
We’ll all start saving for therapy.
I love this. Well, not the grief, but the recollection of thoughts and reminders of your dear Ava. And of course, sandwiches.
I’ve never been to Quebec, but I do dream of it. Us Americans find Canada magical. 🙂
I agree with Brandy.
Ditto everything Brandy said. Canada is totally magical.
And I agree that I often want to go back to my grief. To be close and personal with it again. I’m not sure what my grief habits are. Hmm. I love a good post that gets me thinking (in a good way) about grief and Cale. thanks for doing that.
Oh Ava. We miss you.
Oh prom king. If only you knew.
Wishing your girls got to pick on each other and play together.
Knife to the heart. I hate that.
People just don’t know…….Wish your girls were playing together <3
You didn’t do anything to cause her to die. Things like this just happen sometimes. It sucks and we all look for answers. Blaming ourselves is par for the course. But in the end there aren’t always answers, except that it’s not your fault and you didn’t do anything wrong.
Sending hugs.
Trust me, I understand the guilt. I have so much guilt about things I could or shouldn’t have done. And I also feel like I failed as a mother to protect my child. But we were both loving, excited moms doing everything we knew best for our babies. Sometimes horrible things just happen despite our best efforts.
Vit D levels are often inaccurate and it is poorly absorbed with supplements. I have not seen the research and maybe Vit D plays a role in HELLP, but it certainly cannot cause such major systemic issues.
Be kind to yourself. xoxo
Oh sweet mama. Of course you feel guilt, but that’s a testament for how fiercely you love Ava and how much you’ll always want her here. You did nothing wrong. You did nothing wrong. You did nothing wrong.
I took no vit D. Just prenatals. Why didn’t I get HELLP? It’s a crap shoot. Why do some babies have cords around their neck that get compressed and they die (Cale) and some have them around their neck and they live? (Finn).
These things are mind boggling. Think of all the moms who did take vit D religiously and still lost their babies?
Hoping you don’t beat yourself up too much. I know that’s hypocritical of me to say, and hard to do. xo
Not your fault at all. It’s terrifying, but wasn’t something you could take by taking vitamin D.
The momma guilt still get you every time.
smiles from Minnesota!