Permission to join in on all that fun

So here is the last three years in a crass nutshell.

Ava dies.  Our world is shattered.  We spend the next year putting ourselves back together physically and beginning the grief journey.  We become pregnant with Lillian.  We hunker down and attempt to survive the pregnancy together.  She is born safe and alive. Parenting through grief, parenting with loss whatever you want to call it, sometimes I just think of it as an anxiety fuelled mess.  Find our dream property.  Put a deposit down. Matthew begins a new job the same week we reno the kitchen of the old house.  Update the house.  Sell. Move into the apartment. Design and build new house. Move out of apartment into Dream house and begin to settle in.
Is anyone else tired?
You know what I do not see?  
Fun.
Your kid dies and so does your joy.  And the joy doesn’t return over night (one of my favourite parts about Return to Zero.) You do not wake up one day joyful again.  It creeps back in, slowly. And I can genuinely say it has not returned fully.  There is always that loss of innocence and knowledge that you cannot erase zapping the joy that you have in your life. The fact that you know the truth about life, that at any moment this illusion we call reality could shatter into a million pieces and we would be left grasping for each other in the ruins of our life once more is ever present.

But recently at a grief support meeting it dawned on me, we have yet to get back the fun since Ava died.  I still remember the first time I felt joy again after Lillian was born.  And I still feel that joy.  But there is very little fun.  And we need to bring the fun back for all of us.  So of course I did what every A type person does when they decide they need more spontaneity and fun in their life…I structured it.  I asked a friend of mine, who is, by far, one of the funnest Mama’s I know to be my fun accountability partner.  And each week this summer I am pledging to myself we are going to do something new.  Something fun.  Something just for us.

And you know what?  It is working.  We are having more fun together.  Somehow knowing I have someone to be accountable to is pulling me out of my shell and away from my larger than life task list and making me live a little.  Last week I took Lillian to a Mom and Me swim class for the first time.  Lillian LOVED it.  And now whenever she sees water of any kind yells “Simming! Simming!”  Needless to say we are going again this week.  We have gone for ice cream and gone the fair.  All of these things have cost me a big total of 6.50 but you know what? We have had a lot of fun.

I do not know why I have to give myself permission to live sometimes. Especially with the added responsibility of raising Lillian and my constant obsession with my less than stellar professional life…I need to remind myself that there is life out there.  Life that I could be joining in.  And Lillian needs me to live it.  And Ava does too.  So here is to fun and forcing myself to join in with it.

I don’t think she likes it

Fascinating by the roller coasters.  Said “I do it! I do it!”  Dare devil child. 

Brunch with friends

Chocolate covered strawberries for our anniversary

Bubbles and water table play