I was asked to write a two paragraph reflection upon motherhood by my publisher.
I wrote it a week ago and I find myself coming back to it and considering it time and time again. Tweaking it, rewriting it and reconsidering the notion of Motherhood more fully. I thought I would share it for all my loss mama friends out there.
Motherhood is paradoxical. The child that made me Mama, that gave me the title and that taught me about Motherhood has died. I parent her without sight or sound or touch. I parent through ritual, memories and the written word. I parent my first born, my Ava, through the constant reminder that my life is now hers and bringing her with me on this journey is in fact parenting her. My second daughter is the child that gave me the role of Mother. Colic, diapers, giggles, wipes and all the pacing, worrying and loving that is Motherhood with a living child. I do not break up fights between siblings, Lillian does not have to share her time or toys yet she understands beyond her years what loss looks and feels like from a very young age. That is Motherhood, parenting the paradoxical.
Motherhood is a lifestyle and a way of thinking. I mother my daughters very differently yet both with validity and authenticity that is permeated with the love we share. I relish Lillian, I soak her into my bones and breathe in her life at each moment that allows so I can remember the joy that is living. Motherhood is life and death, it is remember what is lost and picking the cheerio off your sock all the while wondering if you are raising a heathen that will never keep her food on her plate. Motherhood is worrying that it is all not enough, it is chasing a wriggling child to put on sunblock and it is time spent on my knees sobbing, missing, mourning and waiting for the wave of grief to pass. Motherhood is life and death and mine.