Not so politically correct

*I apologize in advance for anyone whom may be hurt by how brutally honest I am in this post.  I genuinely mean no offence.

I find myself struggling with my body image being pregnant.

With Ava I was a true naive, sweet, innocent pregnant lady.   I eagerly wore maternity clothes and enjoyed the belly attention.  Soaked it up like a sponge.  I was lucky, I did not gain a lot of weight and enjoyed my belly. I felt horrible through her pregnancy but what got me through it was…the belly.  Was her.  I bonded with our baby and relished the belly time. With Ava, the belly and the baby were one in the same.

This time, I cannot even look at photos of myself pregnant.  I posted the pictures of my feet because they do not look pregnant (ridiculous I know!) As the belly gets bigger I do not like how I look. I do not like looking pregnant.  It doesn’t make sense to me.  I do not mind walking around pregnant, the attention (yes good or bad) or even being pregnant nearly as much as I can stand seeing myself pregnant.  I find myself finding concealing pregnancy clothes and would much rather everyone not bring the belly up. The baby? Yes! Please do! I love her!  The belly? …No.   It is such an odd disconnect.  I do not know what changes or what becomes real in photos… I simply cannot reconcile seeing myself pregnant.

I am not a fool.  I went home with an empty belly, empty arms to an empty nursery.  I know that is beyond miraculous that I am able to carry another child. It is through the genius of the medical professionals around us that I was able to conceive at all.  I hate to admit it in this forum because of how many women only dream of having a pregnancy, whom struggle with infertility and would give anything to enjoy a pregnancy… but I do not enjoy being pregnant. At all.  I know, I am sorry but I do not believe I will ever be one of those women whom “loves pregnancy.”  I do not like being pregnant, for me it is necessary to grow our family.  It is necessary to move out of this place.  Necessary to be a Mom.  Simply, necessary.

I love bonding with my baby girl, I love this time I have her all to myself.  I love our chats, love rubbing my belly and think of her first above myself.  I would just rather not having to wear this pregnancy so publicly. I wish I could grow her without the belly somehow.  I cannot connect my baby and my belly and love them both.

Has anyone else ever dealt with this?  Is this related the the loss? The trauma?  I would appreciate feedback.