*I apologize in advance for anyone whom may be hurt by how brutally honest I am in this post. I genuinely mean no offence.
I find myself struggling with my body image being pregnant.
With Ava I was a true naive, sweet, innocent pregnant lady. I eagerly wore maternity clothes and enjoyed the belly attention. Soaked it up like a sponge. I was lucky, I did not gain a lot of weight and enjoyed my belly. I felt horrible through her pregnancy but what got me through it was…the belly. Was her. I bonded with our baby and relished the belly time. With Ava, the belly and the baby were one in the same.
This time, I cannot even look at photos of myself pregnant. I posted the pictures of my feet because they do not look pregnant (ridiculous I know!) As the belly gets bigger I do not like how I look. I do not like looking pregnant. It doesn’t make sense to me. I do not mind walking around pregnant, the attention (yes good or bad) or even being pregnant nearly as much as I can stand seeing myself pregnant. I find myself finding concealing pregnancy clothes and would much rather everyone not bring the belly up. The baby? Yes! Please do! I love her! The belly? …No. It is such an odd disconnect. I do not know what changes or what becomes real in photos… I simply cannot reconcile seeing myself pregnant.
I am not a fool. I went home with an empty belly, empty arms to an empty nursery. I know that is beyond miraculous that I am able to carry another child. It is through the genius of the medical professionals around us that I was able to conceive at all. I hate to admit it in this forum because of how many women only dream of having a pregnancy, whom struggle with infertility and would give anything to enjoy a pregnancy… but I do not enjoy being pregnant. At all. I know, I am sorry but I do not believe I will ever be one of those women whom “loves pregnancy.” I do not like being pregnant, for me it is necessary to grow our family. It is necessary to move out of this place. Necessary to be a Mom. Simply, necessary.
I love bonding with my baby girl, I love this time I have her all to myself. I love our chats, love rubbing my belly and think of her first above myself. I would just rather not having to wear this pregnancy so publicly. I wish I could grow her without the belly somehow. I cannot connect my baby and my belly and love them both.
Has anyone else ever dealt with this? Is this related the the loss? The trauma? I would appreciate feedback.