I am struggling to comprehend this hospital experience we have coming our way.
I had my first phone conversation with the Clinical Care Specialist. Essentially her role is to develop a care plan for us that would be communicated through a report given to each of our care providers (Doctors, Nurses etc) so they all know our wishes. She will make sure all accommodations are made so we are as comfortable as possible.
There are a few problems with this dream-land approach of a care plan
1) We have no idea what my body will do. If HELLP syndrome will strike and if it does when it will, how severe it will be and which doctor will be on call when any of the above happens. This “plan” is going to have to have a tonne of if’s.
2) We have no idea what my doctor will decide. He calls the shots, he is entrusted with our lives, if he said I should stand on my head I would. He has a wise-man quality to him, he has a tremendous intuition we trust.
3) Since Ava I cannot make decisions. CANNOT. I am horrible at them (Does anyone else have this weird grief side effect?) I cannot make decisions about my care, decisions do not matter. Just let us live.
So now I have a series of appointments at which time I will be required to have chosen if I want an elective csection or not, what my “ideal” birth would be, what accommodations I will require.
That is a simple sentence when you write it out. It is WAY to much for me to wrap my head around. Too many decisions, too many implications to each decision, I do not feel equipped to make them. Yes I know the accommodations I will require but “ideal birth?” You must be kidding me. I know step one will be speaking with my Doctor, which will be next week. It all just feels like I am planning on this person being guaranteed and it does not feel right to me. I am simply confused.
At least the appointments are not for a few weeks, giving us time to figure out how we want to approach this.