I am not alone

This week I met someone who I will remember for the rest of my life.

This week I met someone that no matter where life takes me or what happens next I will be grateful for the moment of meeting her.  She was first. 

I met a fellow HELLP survivor in person. A tangible, real, huggable, fellow warrior of HELLP. I have “met” many HELLP survivors over the internet and their guidance was invaluable to navigating Lillian’s pregnancy.  That said, they were all from the states, the medical system is different and never once in person.  It wasn’t enough.  Not a single person I knew or could to meet could identify with my experience of having HELLP.  The closest I could get was my tribe. 

My tribe. My loss Mama’s.  My warriors of loss, my sisters, my team.  The ones I email when the night closes in and the bile rises in my throat.  The ones I cry out to in the agony of loss. I cannot imagine walking loss without my tribe.  Having them has lifted my heart, shared the burden I carry and kept me warm.   I alone of our tribe had HELLP. Just me.  This freak disease that strikes at random, the difficulties it presents and the way it touches the entirety of life is mine to bear, alone.

We met through a friend.  Our stories very different but so much the same. Burnt by the loss of Ava and HELLP very little comes as unexpected to me anymore but meeting E and her importance to me and my journey towards healing meant more than I could have anticipated.  There are not adequate words to say what it felt like to look into the eyes of someone and know for the first time, in this disease, I am not alone.  To see in her, me.  To see the trauma, loss and bewildered chaos that comes from this heinous syndrome and know I am not the freak.  I am not the case study. I am not the one no one can explain why.  It was much like the first time I met my Tribe in person, the second I saw E I knew.  I felt it.  That recognition. That ease.  That connection. 

I am not alone.