Happy Birthday Ava’s Tree

One year ago today I poured myself a cup of tea and began to write.

I remember it vividly.  I remember sitting on our bed with my laptop on my legs, the window was open behind me and the spring breeze blew in.  I even remember the purple dress I was wearing and the sight of her in my belly in front of the keys.   I remember editing and re-editing scared to hit publish; scared what it would mean if I did.  Scared of what it would mean if I did not have the courage to.  When I get scared I often think of Ava and how she can see my life from where she is.  What example am I setting her?  What lesson would she learn from this?  In a moment of exhilaration and panic I closed my eyes and hit publish and said, as I often do, “Hey Ava, look what I can do.”

Then, deep inside me our baby flipped and rolled.

My Lillian.

My girls, helping my writing.

This blog has opened up my passion for writing in a way I never could have imagined.  It is a cathartic and sacred outlet for me to talk about my daughters, about HELLP syndrome and grief.  It has connected me to some incredible women.  Women I look up to, women I consider myself honoured to have the company of, women I consider warrior Mama’s.  I cannot begin to express how each of you have helped me through the last 365 days.  From watching the birth’s before her and feeling the joy and elation of their safe arrival (Zuzu!) to keeping me company through the difficult days of pregnancy with foodie recipes and fun stories of travel (Brandy.) Each of you ladies were there.  I thought of you as I held her that first day.  About how many of you had this moment before me and how much I wanted to share it with you.  I drafted her birth announcement, mentally, from my hospital bed.  I was eager to share and to give hope to any Mama’s who may read my blog and really need it that day. It is possible.  Successful subsequent pregnancy after HELLP is possible.

Tonight I want to thank you for following along with me this year.  I do not know what this next year will bring, I pray for road trips (June!), summer fun, time with Ava and a wee girl’s first birthday party.  All I know for sure is as I sit exactly where I was one year ago today my world could not be more different.   Look at what a year can do.  Hey Ava, look what I can do.