Forget her?

Am I beginning to forget her?

Stay with me on this one.  You know and I know it is impossible to forget your child that has passed.  There are times it seems blurry, as if it happened to someone else.

I had her photo put away for showings. I took it back out yesterday and put it back on its rightful place on the mantle.  Taking a moment with her I suddenly thought, I forgot your nose.  I forgot how perfect, tiny, round and delicious her nose was.  I forgot.

And then other things slip your mind.  The pregnancies were 11 months apart, meaning it gets hard to remember what happened in which pregnancy sometimes.  Particularly when I chat with a girlfriend of mine whom is expecting and she will ask “did you have that?” and I know I did but, with which girl?

What if it gets worse?  What if I suddenly can’t remember important things? The thought gives me significant anxiety.  I have to remember her.  I have to.  What if I forget what it felt like to have her snuggle into my hand each time I put it on my stomach? What if I forget what her kicks felt like? What if I forget her 9pm party time and how tiny she was?  I am the keeper of her legacy.  I am her Mama.  I cannot forget.

It is scary to think sometimes, like the Robert Mun.sch book (which I heard was wrote for his two stillborn children) that as long as I am alive so is she.  I do not want her to fade away least of all from my mind. It is a scary thought.  I know I will never forget her but I will always be afraid she will fade away.