Am I beginning to forget her?
Stay with me on this one. You know and I know it is impossible to forget your child that has passed. There are times it seems blurry, as if it happened to someone else.
I had her photo put away for showings. I took it back out yesterday and put it back on its rightful place on the mantle. Taking a moment with her I suddenly thought, I forgot your nose. I forgot how perfect, tiny, round and delicious her nose was. I forgot.
And then other things slip your mind. The pregnancies were 11 months apart, meaning it gets hard to remember what happened in which pregnancy sometimes. Particularly when I chat with a girlfriend of mine whom is expecting and she will ask “did you have that?” and I know I did but, with which girl?
What if it gets worse? What if I suddenly can’t remember important things? The thought gives me significant anxiety. I have to remember her. I have to. What if I forget what it felt like to have her snuggle into my hand each time I put it on my stomach? What if I forget what her kicks felt like? What if I forget her 9pm party time and how tiny she was? I am the keeper of her legacy. I am her Mama. I cannot forget.
It is scary to think sometimes, like the Robert Mun.sch book (which I heard was wrote for his two stillborn children) that as long as I am alive so is she. I do not want her to fade away least of all from my mind. It is a scary thought. I know I will never forget her but I will always be afraid she will fade away.