Finding space

It has been hard to find space here.

I love to write.  And the fact I have not hit “publish” on any blogs in a long time does not mean I am not writing and loving the rhythm I find in this creation.  I simply have not had the space here. Which is odd, as it is my space, created by and for me and yet I am not sharing.  Not publishing, not sharing with the other bloggers I adore and call my friends (Sorry Brooke, Caroline and many others!)

I fret, like a lot of bloggers do, about privacy of my living kid and what I share here becoming an issue for her in some shape or form.  I also find times I need to go quiet for myself because I need life to wash over me and drag me in.  To sweep me up in making lunches, gymnastics classes, writing, writing and writing for my college job.  In my grief group and creating spaces for loss Mama’s and their families.  In educating new students about loss and the treatment of the bereaved in traumatized.  In paper airplane races and advocating in my 3 days a week 9-5 job.  Like pre-loss, when life was just life and not something that was endured or survived.

I did a podcast today for Birthful and the lovely Adriana Lozada.  One of the questions she asked me was in regards to pregnancy after loss, living after loss and how that balance works.  It is not something I think of often, how to balance life after loss in all it’s twisty complexities.  It is something all of us Loss Mama’s just do.  Much like the ever popular query of “how did you leave the hospital with no car seat.” We just do.  Life does not feel complete since losing Ava, however, there is a contentment that returned in the last number of years thanks to this balance and finding it for myself.  Contentment that I am living the life I thought I would in the role of a mother.  Don’t get me wrong, I am not the mother I thought I would be, this is not how I wanted our family to be and yet Adriana saw clearly through the book that I have found a new place of being.  The newest normal.

Like Lillian going off to Junior Kindergarten.  Our newest normal of having a school aged kid in our home, of homework, teaching self reliance  and even more talks about making friends, consent and bullying.  This newest normal is also our beloved cat Simon becoming older by the day and now, after his 15th birthday, becoming more geriatric, loud and attention seeking.  He ran away, terrified us and scared himself as he did not know to get home again back in the summer and it became just how confused and small his world is now.  I want to say I work part time but when you have 2 part time jobs plus a book it is far more than part time it is actually all the time, with lots of flexibility to snuggle our girl when she needs it and just enough time to run to the gym 4 times a week so I do not lose my ever loving mind.  Or gain 20 pounds from all the chocolate consumption it takes to keep up the pace I currently am.  This new normal is relishing any time I have a chance to talk about the book, to talk to readers and share our story.  Of conferences and wine nights with my beloved baby loss mama’s.

So perhaps it is me that has to make the space to create here.  Perhaps it is time to move aside that newest normal and let the words back in, for me.

Hi blog, nice to see you again.

Stay tuned to find out when the Birthful 2 part podcast will be available for download!