Fall out before the let down

Every November it happens.

I do not know if  this year I am keyed into it, aware of it and noticing or even looking for it but the fall out before the Christmas let down is palpable this year.

November and early December have been a little cruel to a lot of my loved ones.  Tragedies, lost loved ones, so many in our tribe have their baby’s birthday this month, new loss mama’s coming into my life, trauma abound.

Is it December or is it just me?

I think it is forgotten how hard December is, that all the joy and magic of the season contrasts against the sorrow in the heart of those mourning, dealing and figuring out this thing called life.  I know I am not alone and this year I feel like it has been thing after thing after thing happening around me.  And then there is my own grief, my own corner of my soul that screams for Ava this time of year.  Where her absence grows stronger by the moment leading up to the 25th, where I wish for a second I could get a glimpse into who my beautiful 4 nearly 5 year old girl would be and what she would want for Christmas this year.  Matching sisters dresses sitting on Santa’s knee, the shrieks and giggles, the her, the all of her I am missing.

Two weeks today is the big day itself and I already find myself looking forward to boxing day, where the pressure and grief has settled and the quiet remains.    Certain things have changed since Ava and Christmas is one of them, I do not feel it the same and it is the beginning of my grief season.  This year I will be thinking of all those experiencing heartache that I have spent time with these last few weeks.  First Christmas’ without, trauma unpacking, missing.  You are not alone in this most “joyous” time of the year.  You have company in your heartache.