Bereaved Parents

I was driving today and the thought occurred to me

“Beta is going to have bereaved parents.”

Grief never ends.  Grief is a deep, dark ocean that is fickle and ever changing.  We are now bringing Beta into this ocean of grief with us. She is a sweet, innocent soul that came to this earth with no choice as to her parents.  Beta’s parents will continue to be bereaved, to grieve, to miss their first born…she will be shaped by us and by this grief in some way.  She will grow up without an older sibling and will probably wonder at some point how her life would be different if her sister had lived.

I was suddenly very sad for my second born child. So very sad.   Does she not deserve innocent parents whom believe that bad things do not happen to good people? Parents whom can possess hope, faith and see the good side in life?   Does she not deserve what Ava had?  We are jaded now.  Our scars, both physical and emotional, have etched our souls forever…what if it is not for the better?  It cannot be all for the better.

The entire thought simply makes me sad.  My grief for Ava will shape Beta.  I will be a different parent than I would have been in Ava lived. What if that is not for the better?  How can I do my best for Beta?