A return of joy

Writing here has been tough lately.

Not because of Lil’s.  She is a good baby. Yes we have had our completely sleepless nights, our share of baby drama I could share; I am simply struggling with putting it all into words.

My world has changed in such a large scope it is impossible to say.  In other ways it has not changed at all and I feel satisfied in what I have already shared.  I have written many blog posts in the last little while, none of them seem fit to post.  None of it capture it all. The scope of our lives right now is so much bigger than writing can capture right now.

I want to share some of the full circle moments we have had in the last 19 days.  There have been so many I can barely understand them all.   Here is just one of them.

Yesterday I went to Wa.lmart. I know, exciting right? I have read so many BLM’s write about that store they had a hard time going into after their loss.  For me, it was Wa.lmart.  When I was pregnant with Ava Matt was travelling a great deal. He was doing training in Germany and the states and I was left to my own devices a lot.  I was working but the evenings were long and boring.  I would often go shopping after work, never purchasing anything, just browsing and enjoying being out and about.  I would walk the aisles and day dream of pushing Ava in the cart…I would finger through soft baby things and dream of things to come.

Except they never came.

Wal.mart would become torturous to me after her death.  I avoided it like the plague.  To me it felt like the antithesis of the club I had ceremoniously kicked out of. Vinegar in the wound.  Nothing I could purchase had any usefulness.   There was little purpose to the place,  I wanted nothing to do with any of it.  Going there became no better with my pregnancy with Lillian.  Necessities had to be bought (can’t wait for Tar.get to open up here in later 2013!) and I would go but it was never enjoyable.

Yesterday, after Lillian gave us a great nights sleep (first in a few nights, Mama was tired) I decided I would go. As I walked through the doors and placed in her in the cart seat, it felt full circle.  Completely full circle.  We walked, I chatted with her and walked down the same aisles I had with Ava.  I was the woman pushing the baby in a cart.  I had a living baby, I was juggling the feeding time, the diaper bag and a sweet wee girl.  Me!  I had not been kicked out of the club this time.

Brooke once wrote having a rainbow baby does not heal you but rather returns joy to your life.  I remember reading her words with scepticism.  I could not imagine joy ever returning, I could not imagine being able to recognise the sensation after being buried in grief for so long…but yesterday, in the middle of the clothing section there it was, joy.  I looked at her sweet face, tears pouring down my cheeks and thanked God for her, thanked Ava for helping us through and thanked Lillian for fighting  to be here with us. Joy.  So foreign and yet so welcome.  The joy in our life now is as palpable as the grief and I am glad of it.

Matt’s last day before returning to work