A Baby Loss Mama’s Nursery

Creating a nursery is supposed to be a joy for expectant parents.  With arrogance, naivety and innocence oozing nurseries become a showcase for a parents pride. I was one of those parents with Ava.  I feared her nursery coming home from the hospital, felt shamed by it and as soon as I gathered the courage to go into it I was relieved.  Ava’s nursery turned into a place to be with her. A place of healing.    I spent (and still spend) many hours in her room, somehow feeling closer to her there.   After finding out I was pregnant with Beta I thought I would not create a space for her in our home until after we brought her home healthy and happy. The shame and arrogance of having a nursery and no baby …I did not think I could bear it a second time.   It wasn’t until we crossed the 12 week mark did I realize how deeply I would mourn our second daughter if she did not survive.  Suddenly there was value in having a nursery of her own.  A space for her and I during the most difficult period of the pregnancy and hopefully one we would bring her home to.  

I could not fathom placing Beta in Ava’s nursery. Something about that did not feel right.  At all.  We have a small 3 bedroom bungalow so I knew it would have to cease being a nursery and turn into a new space.  We made the decision for Ava’s nursery to turn into the guest room, and the office to relocate to the basement so Beta could have the office space.  This has been a huge project as we have essentially moved 3 different rooms into 2. For the office to turn into a nursery would mean a huge job.  The office was a mess, old office furniture, ragged carpet, sad and tired blue gloss paint.  Just gross and not baby ready.  We would have to clear it out, sell the furniture, recarpet, repaint, new trim, doors, bifolds, drapery…everything would have to change.   Unfortunately the person whom would have to change it all, would be Matt.  My restrictions would not permit me helping very much.  He, alone, did all the work based off of my design.   I am so grateful for what he has done to make this possible and for the space he has given Beta and I.  
Crib with tree from doorway

 The crib and change table were gifts from my parents for Ava.  We love them.  They are a small set, not big like a lot of the sets out there but our house is small.  They fit the space well.

 This little angel is a night light.  We found it shortly after deciding to try again…but before we got the courage.  This angel seemed too fitting.

 Ava had a tree in her room.  I know.  Don’t get me started.  It was a small 3 1/2 foot tree with multi coloured leaves.  It was part of the inspiration to plant Ava’s memorial tree… it seemed too appropriate.  On one of the darkest days of my grief I took down Ava’s tree and placed it in storage.  I knew I would never, ever hang it again.  Last night I was hanging Beta’s tree and it was a bit short.  I stood there for a long time staring at it and it occurred to me I had Ava’s tree.  I could use a little of the “bark” to build onto Beta’s tree.  I took out Ava’s tree and fashioned it into Beta’s.  Ava’s tree is now holding up Beta’s.  The ultimate in sisterhood.

Thank you Cos.tco for this awesome recliner!

 These curtains were a lot of work.  They were one of my most favourite purchases for the nursery, however, they were a pain to hang.  And once we got them up, the inside liner hung below the outer layer.  So yesterday I spent an hour on the floor hand stitching the liner so it would not hang below the outer layer.  They are simply beautiful… but I had to work for it!

 What baby has an entire nine month wardrobe and isn’t even born yet?  Thanks to hand-me-downs and the shower I had two days before Ava died, I could clothe two babies.  Matt did a great job with the organizer. We could not fit a dresser in the room so the organizer is perfect.

 Finding a touch lamp was difficult! I finally found this at a home reno store, today actually.  It has cracked glass and the metal base activates the light.  With the curtains, leather from the chair and the wood in the room it adds a nice bit of texture.

This nursery has been Charlie approved
I am very glad with how all the pieces have come together.  I feel a peace in her room.  I sit in there and simply be with our girl…comforted knowing this new space honours her older sister and is perfectly for her. There is no arrogance or naivety this time…no shame in having the space.  This space is ours and I pray she will join me here in the fall.