I saw from my BLM friends that the first birthday blues are almost inevitable with a rainbow baby. And here I am, on the precipice of her first birthday and I can attest… the blues are here.
One problem is that I have barely been able to focus on her birthday at all. I have been so busy with the move and our crazy life that things keep getting in the way. It seems like there are not enough hours in the day and what time I do get, I want to spend it chasing around my vivacious almost one year old. I had all this creative energy initially for her party and now it seems to have fizzled.
I went out to the store this week to pick up odds and ends, items for the kids gift bags and nothing seemed easy. I saw a couple of things I was looking for but not exactly it. Even the cake ordering didn’t go as I had imagined. I had something in mind and what they are able to do is close…but not quite it. I cannot seem to make what I want match up with what I can make happen. Further to, these birthday celebrations are so hyped up. I see all these Mama’s with incredible creative abilities and their amazing spreads for their little ones and I do not have the talent or energy to match that. It would appear I have serious birthday party-esteem issues.
All of this has culminated into me feeling rather blue about the entire affair. I find myself looking more forward to her actual birthday than to her party…and I do not want to feel that way. I do not want the focus to be on if I made a birthday board or what color the plates were or how pretty everything was. I feel like I have lost the focus on what is important, that my girl is here to celebrate her birthday at all! And that how happy I am that she is here is not reflected in fondant icing or decorations. That is what her party’s focus should be…but I still find myself hung up on the semantics.
I am just so glad she is here to celebrate with us…and sad that her sister is not. That I did not get to plan a first birthday party for Ava. That sadness is holding me back from connecting with this celebration. And lets be honest, maybe what I am searching and longing for are not the perfect party favors but rather her sister. And I am not going to be able to find her sister no matter how long and hard I look.
And that is the worst part of all.
I do not want this for Lillian. I do not want her Mama to be sad every year her birthday rolls around. When I brought her into this world I promised her better than that. So what do we do, Mama’s? Own it? Be a sobbing mess a while and hope you can pull it together in time? How did you handle the first Birthday blues?